“Because he’s a famous popstar. He lives in a different universe to me. It would never work.” It’s so matter of fact. So honest. And yet, so damningly horrible to say out loud.
The three of them share a look as if they can read me.
“Ok. I’m going to be a bitch for once,” Gemma says.When is she ever not a bitch?
“You’re self-sabotaging. You lead this perfect little life. And yes, you have a fab career and earn a good salary. Look at you and your gorgeous apartment, all fucking independent and shit. You almost had the perfect, boring man. You would’ve had perfectly boring children and lived a dull, but safe life.”
“Fuck me. Say what you really mean, Gemma!”
“Iam. I’m being completely honest.”
Sarcasm often evades her.
“So what?” I ask. “Are we just back to roasting me every time we hang out? I know you think I’m uptight, and stressy, I’m not an idiot. You’ve told me enough times. But have you ever stopped and thought about the fact that I lost a mum too? That I was still a child. I wasfourteen. I wanted to be carefree. But carefree isn’t how you manage to keep your life on track. I have to be steady, so I am here and ready to help you out, help Dad out, when or if any of you need me.”
Gemma swallows. Millie looks at her bowl. Abby is fiddling with her spoon.
“We’re adults now,” Millie says, her voice small. “You don’thaveto be there for us.”
“When did you become so grown up?” Gemma asks her in a patronising tone.
They glare at each other.
“Is that why you’re not speaking to Gus?” Abby interjects, ignoring the other two. “Because you’re worried being with him would send your life off track?”
I shrug. I feel like that oversimplifies the issue. Because it’s more than that. There’s fear there too. There’s a lack of belief in myself which I sometimes disguise as needing to be steady. “Partly. I don’t know. It just… He’s a very famous popstar.”
I don’t know why I need to explain that further.
“A hot one,” Millie says. “Who really liked you. You can tell by the photos. He wasdown bad. That’s why they’re so keen to find out who you are. He hasn’t looked at many girls like that.”
“I—”
“You can afford a little off track,” Gemma says, rolling her eyes. “It will make us look a lot less scatty if you’re also a little scatty. Honestly, you’d be doing us a favour. Go mess up your life a bit. Do some dumb shit.”
Millie nods. “Yeah. Fuck it. You’ve worked so hard. You’re too…” she gestures to all of me and doesn’t finish the sentence. Good. Great. Love that for me. “I’ll admit, I almost didn’t recognise you in some of those photos. You were smiling so… big. And you seemed so relaxed.”
“I was on holiday.”
She gives me a look. “That’s not why.”
I focus on finishing the excessive amount of custard that Millie poured onto the crumble. Just4Summer songs are still playing from her phone, albeit quieter now where she’s turned it down to talk. It’s hard to ignore that my sisters all go silent whenever he’s singing too.
I can’t. It’s a fruitless, pointless conversation. I drop my spoon into my bowl. “It’s all irrelevant anyway. I don’t know even have his number. He has to change it all the time for security reasons.”
“Then slide into his DMs,” Millie says, like it’s obvious.
“What does that mean?”
They all roll their eyes at me this time. “You spendwaytoo much time in that corporate job surrounded by old men.”
So, we’re back to roasting Sara. Yay!
“Oh!” I say, a thought suddenly occurring to me. “I actually do have something. Wait here.”
I head to my room, searching for my hand luggage from the flight home. It’s the same bag I carried around Barcelona. I cleared most of it out weeks ago when I let my sisters sparrow through the trinkets and random bits and bobs I found in different cities. I dig my hand in and take out the cheap burner phone Gus handed me.
I think part of me has purposefully forgotten it was there.
