“But why?”
“Because you’re not with him now. They want to know what went down. What happened, obviously.”
“Obviously,” I breathe. Except it isn’t obvious to me at all. I shake my head. “No. I need more detail. Tell me why.”
“Because, Sara, some people are powered by gossip. And you know what really hurts? When those people don’t even get to hear from their own sister that they had a romantic summer fling with the most beloved popstar ever.” She means her. She means I hurt her feelings by not revealingthis intimate, painful information about myself to her right away. I can’t help feeling that’s unfair.
And besides, “You said you preferred Jax.”
She points at me across the table. “Not the point. I have been sat on this for weeks. Abby told me not to say anything. It’s bad enough that I’ve lied to my friends, telling them it wasn’t you,” she flails her arms around dramatically. “It couldn’t be Sara. Ohno!She’s too uptight and goody two shoes to go and have a fling mere months after absconding from her wedding. And, of course, if it was her, she’d obviously tell her ownsisters. Right?RIGHT?”
I part my lips to defend myself, but nothing comes out.
The truth is, I’ve been waiting for all those feelings I harbour for Gus to fade away. Like Millie said,it was a fling. How could it be more? It was fourteen days… How deep can my feelings honestly be? I’m being horribly dramatic. He’ll find someone famous, someone who understands his lifestyle and he’ll move on.
That can’t be me.
“Do you all feel this way?” I ask, checking my sisters’ expressions one at a time.
Gemma nods. Not really surprised there.
“Abby?”
She cringes. “It’s just… Well…”
“Oh my God. You guys think I don’t have secrets?”
“No. We’re sure you do,” Gemma says, twisting her lips. “But you don’t share them with us. You never tell us anything juicy. Which, when you were with Mike, wasn’t surprising.”
Millie snorts. “Yeah.”
“Wait. What do you mean by that?”
“He was boring,” Abby says.
I gasp. “Abby!”
“He was. He madeyouboring too.”
“Why didn’t any of you tell me?”
“Because you act like you’ve always got your shit together,” Millie says. “It’s gross and annoying. It’s hard to keep up with, always comparing yourself to your perfect eldest sister.”
“And you wouldn’t have listened,” Gemma adds. “Look. We know you’d do anything for us. Weknowthat. But the reason you’re not in our group chat is because you’d probably judge us for the things we confess in there.”
I scoff. “As if! I want to know your gossip. Wait? So, it wasn’t set up for you three to bitch about me?”
“We do that too,” Millie says, rolling her eyes. “But no. It was set up to tell each other the stupid shit we do.”
“Sometimes it feels like you’re more our mother than our sister,” Abby interjects.
Her words are like little daggers to the heart because, yeah, that’s exactly how it feels because that’s exactly what was needed for so long. A breath lodges in my throat and I find myself unable to respond. I think about all the tantrums I handled. All the times, when I was also on the way to school, I had to deal with one of their meltdowns or forgotten homework, or last-minute shop runs for food tech because Dad would already be at work. I think about all the childhood I gave up for these three and wonder if any of them are even grateful.
“Yeah,” I say finally. “That’s exactly how it feels for me too. Because you know what? You needed a mother figure. All of you did. And I did the best I fucking could! So, I’msorry if you feel like you can’trelateto me as a sister these days. But I feel the same way about all of you.”
They’re quiet, absorbing my outburst as I pretend to cut the roasted parsnip on my plate. Then, when nothing is said, I sigh, get up from the kitchen island and make myself a drink so I can turn my back on them.
I can feel them bickering silently behind me.
