Be meaner with it?!
“Gladly,” he says in that devilishly dark tone again, picking up the pace so suddenly and so abruptly I find myself thrusting into his hand. It all starts coming undone.
It’s too much. The pressure and the intimacy and the whole damn bloody moment. I twist to escape. But James is prepared for this reaction. Before I know what’s happened, he’s got a strong thigh between mine. The hairs scratch on my skin exquisitely. He pins me, keeping pace the whole time. Not letting me escape. Not letting me roll away. He’s entered this game with only one possible outcome.
And,oh!
The feeling washes through me exactly like an eruption. Boiling hot lava invading my veins. My body goes lax as the wild endorphins roll through me. I suck in a long breath as James slows his fingers, moving them further down to find a slick wetness between my legs. I can’t help myself at this point. I roll onto my side as James’ hand skirts up to my waist, holding onto me. I try to push my hand towards his boxers, but he stops me.
“No, it’s ok,” he says.
“But I want to.”
James laughs now. I feel the sting of it in my chest.
“You don’t want me to?” I ask, suddenly ridiculously self-conscious.
“God, it’s notthat,” he says. “It’s just we’re in a tent in Scotland and all we’ve got are the condoms in the bag which Michael provided for us.”
“Oh hell! Why would you remind me ofthat?” I say, a breathy laugh finding its way out of my mouth when I realise he’s got a point.
“I tried not to…”
“Well, I can…”
“Fliss… I’m telling you it’s fine. I’m too… It’s too… If I let you down there, and you want more, I’m not going to be able to stop, which means using the condoms.”
I cover my face with my hands, rolling onto my back again. I’m being typical Fliss. Overkeen to get a task done. Always feeling the need to return the favour. I mean, Iwantto. I could feel it against me the whole time, the gorgeous solidness of it through his boxers. I just sort of want to make him as vulnerable as he made me. But he’s got a point. If we get too giddy now, surely that’s just going to escalate until we’re properly fucking, and then we have to use a condom that was supplied to us by our boss. What does that make us?Seriously.What does that make us?No, we can’t do that.
But gawd, I really want to.
“Hey,” James says, trying to remove my hands from my face. I finally submit but I know the colour in my cheeks is embarrassingly red. “You don’t owe meanything. You did half the work anyway and I don’t give to receive. I really enjoy giving. I promise. This sleeping bag massively restricts my abilities. There’s a whole world of things I want to do to you right now. But not here.”
I smile awkwardly. “Thank you?”
“Take it back,” he says calmly. “You’re literally not allowed to thank me. That is just a big fat no.”
I want to say “then I owe you”, but he’s already said I don’t. So, what now? I decide I may as well use the opportunity to play with his hair, wrapping my hands around his head and bringing his lips down to mine again.
We kiss slowly, dreamlike, until we’re exhausted and collapse into a heap within the sleeping bag. Our limbs are entwined. Our hearts seem to be beating in unison. It’s overwhelming to feel this close to someone. It’s dangerous really. We aren’t the people we are right now. I can feel something twinge in my heart, like an old violin string wound too tight at the thought of it ending. But it will end.
Has it really even begun?
Who are we beyond this tent? Who are we beyond this whole crazy adventure? We’ve never got along before. What’s to say we can make this work when (orif, at this rate) we ever get back to normality? I’ve acted on my instincts instead of my head.
We both have. And now we’ll have to suffer whatever the consequences are.
“Stop freaking out,” James mumbles into my thick, bushy hair.
I laugh breathlessly. “How can you tell?”
“I can hear your brain. It’s buzzing.”
“Shut up.”
“I’m serious. You actually hum a bit when you’re overthinking.”
“No, I don’t.”
