“You will always be Padrone,” Ignacio retorts vehemently. “That can’t be stripped from you. Even if you try to abdicate it. The Council exists now, yes, but you will always be Padrone. You will always be the one who led the Martellis.You. You are the base for the Council. Without you, the Council wouldn’t exist.”
“Because we fucked up,” I reply slowly. The pang to my heart is muted, one I’m well used to, but I’m also so damn proud of what the Boys have created.
“No!” Ignacio shouts. “It’s because you taught us to be better. You drilled the Motto into us. You saved us, time and time again. Were you perfect? No. But we could only become more because you gave us a foundation. That's why I don’t understand this!”
“Understand what?” I ask gently, my heart beating faster as I wish I could ease his turmoil, and the twin emotions churning inside me.
He pats the side of the bed, and I take unsteady steps toward him before sitting where he indicates. Every inch of me screams to run away and not face this, but the pull toward my Boy and what he needs is even stronger. A duality. And despite the fact they aren’t truly mine anymore—they never really were—it doesn’t matter to my soul.
Their needs will always come first. It’s something my father never understood, but even in my thirst for vengeance, I never forgot that these are the men who fought beside me, who fought for me, and who fought for my Family’s name.
“I…I need to understand why. Do the other Boys matter more? Had it been Marcus, would you have changed your mind? Or, fuck, Lio?”
Ignacio’s broken words may as well kill me. Breath freezes inside my lungs. Of all the things I expected…this was not one of them.Fuck. My failure runs deeper than I thought, which should be fucking impossible.
Twisting my body, I grab Ignacio’s chin firmly but gently, forcing him to look directly at me. Furiously, I snarl, “No! You are my Chaos. The one who never bent. You gave me your loyalty willingly, and not because I demanded it. You…you were—you are—everything to me. If any of you were to die—whether that’s Emilio or Marcus, or God forbid, you—I would crumble. You…each of you…are the best parts of me. The only parts of me that I have ever been proud of.
“And it’s not because you were submissive, or because of loyalty, or anything else. It’s because of your hearts. Because of who you are inside. I chose each of you for a reason, and none of you are greater than the other. Emilio may have a piece of my soul, but all of you Boys? You were, and always will be, my heart, even if I’m no longer your Master.”
I let go of his chin as my energy crashes, but I hope I got through to him. I hope he understands that there’s nothing at all that is more important to me than those Boys. They may not be mine anymore, and I may no longer be able to claim them, but I will always love them—now that I'm certain I understand that word.
It’s so simple. Four letters. But, fuck. Love wasn’t something I truly understood until I was faced with losing it all. First my soul, my Emilio, and then my heart, my Boys. Fuck the Family name, the Motto, and everything in that. It’s my Boys who made me. And that any of them doubt it? That is my true sin…
For a while, charged silence fills the room, before Ignacio finally breaks it. “Then, please, explain it to me. Because I was attacked. And by the time I came to, suddenly we were in a new place, and…you were gone.”
The words are spoken without recrimination, though I would deserve it. No, it’s worse. They’re uttered with a painful yearning. But how can I answer? How can I explain the unexplainable?
Taking a deep breath, I speak from the heart, because that’s all I can give him and it's what he deserves. I strip myself bare for him, even though I know it’ll never be enough. How can it be?
“Cristian and I… When we came back, everything was different. For two men who were used to control, we’d been stripped of it. I tried to get it back. I tried so fucking hard to make the pieces fit, but they no longer did. What I failed to recognize was that it wasn’t just you Boys who no longer fit where I thought you were supposed to, but I did not fit anymore. Neither did Cristian.
“He spiraled. By rights, he should have been punished, or even killed, by my hands. But I found I couldn’t. Because when I looked at him, I saw myself. I saw a man who didn’t understand the world he came back to, and was desperately trying to stay alive, to pretend that he was still in charge. When neither of us were.
“The harder we tried to make that lie fit…the more damage we did. To the point I willingly chose to ignore what he did to you. I justified it to myself that you were still alive, so there was no point making things harder on Cristian.
“When Emilio had the courage to face me, to demand I not betray the vows I had given, I thought I should remind him of his place—in the same manner my father once taught me. It turns my stomach, and there is nothing I can ever do to make up for what happened. I can’t turn back the clock, and I can’t fix it. But I will forever keep trying to earn yours and the others’ forgiveness.”
Ignacio leans against me, letting me feel his body weight. The trust in that gesture alone causes tears to roll down my cheeks. This time when he speaks, it’s with a steadiness that I have never heard my Chaos use. But then again…he’s no longer mine.
“And this is why you will always be Padrone,” Ignacio whispers. “You have given each of us grace in the past. Thoseof us who betrayed you, and even those of us who haven’t. You have always bent over backwards to help. I know you offered Benjamin a choice to leave, and let me go with him. You offered mental health services and we didn’t take them.
“But…for all the help you’ve extended us, nobody offered you the same. You can’t spend all of your time apologizing, Padrone. Because if so, we’ll get stuck in a never-ending loop.
“I should have seen what was happening. Perhaps, we even did. All of us. But none of us could admit it. And we failed you. You’ve always been the anchor, the one who made the decisions, who fought for us…but when you needed someone on your side, we didn’t fight for you.
“Yes, I know, you probably would have fought it. But still, none of us tried. Except for Emilio. But one person against the world? That isn’t enough. So if you insist on apologizing, I will too.
“You may not be my actual Master anymore. You may not be the leader of the Family. But never discount yourself. Please, don’t try to make yourself smaller in order to fit in here. That would be the greatest shame of all, because you’d once again be choosing to live a lie.”
“Ignacio—”
“No, that’s enough for now. I’m too tired.” He yawns, and I smooth his hair. My rebel. My Chaos. And yet, as always, the person with one of the largest hearts I know.
A discreet cough comes from the doorway, and my attention is pulled there immediately. I expect to see Roman, but it’s Jayden that's standing there instead. His arms crossed, with a fierce scowl. Every inch of his dominance is on display, but beneath that, there’s worry in his eyes for Chaos. It suddenly clicks in place that while I’ll always worry about Ignacio, he now has people who will care for him, and I can’t even put into words the gratitude I feel.
“I’ll let you get some sleep,” I murmur as I help him lay down.
Standing straight, I head for the door, but Jayden blocks me from leaving. He studies me, and I’m not sure what he finds, but eventually, he gives me a nod and steps aside. I must have passed…although I have no idea how. Nor do I know how long he’s been waiting there, or what he’s heard. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter. There are no secrets I hoard anymore.
