I shrug one shoulder, because fuck I have a clue how to feel about the entire situation. Sharing Tennant once again… While there’s a slight flare of jealousy, there’s an overall sense of peace—of respect. And I have the man in front of me to thank for that. Then again, he’s always been one of the best at settling me, at providing me with guidance. It certainly lends credence to the idea that maybe I do need to consider being a Middle more seriously.
“When you were researching Daddy kink, what did you learn about Middles?” I hold my breath for a moment, unsure if I want to know. Yet, for some reason, I trust Allesandro more than the others. His love for Emilio is so obvious that the small kernel of hatred has melted completely.
Frustration flits across his features as he runs his fingers through his hair, leaning back in his chair until he’s more comfortable. “I wish I could say I know more than I do, but to be honest, it wasn’t covered as thoroughly as Littles. I will say that while the Little aspect generally centered on caretaking—although there were brats and the need for discipline—the Middles were slightly different.”
“What do you mean?”
Straightening, he taps his fingers along the small desk he has in here. It’s not as grand as the one he had in the Martelli mansion, and yet, I see small snippets of the imposing Il Padrone he once was.
“For a Middle, the kink itself relied more heavily on exploration,” he replies slowly, keeping his tone and words measured. “There is a freedom to it, a way for the Boy to discover pieces of himself and to find comfort in being allowed to explore who he is while being kept safe in Daddy’s arms, with his rules and with his support. This could even include a sexual component.”
I’m speechless as my chaotic thoughts collide inside my head.Fuck. It would make a horrible, tragic sense. After all, a major part of becoming a Martelli was opening up sexually, finding freedom in kink, and just accepting our place within the hierarchy.
Now I’m possibly being given a chance to find that myself alone, but with Tennant, the man I love. Although, as I study Allesandro, I realize I’m not the only one standing on the cusp of that uncertainty and discovery. Perhaps we can help find ourselves by leaning on each other, with Tennant’s guidance.
“You know I hate lies,” Allesandro states, and I nod. “This is all going to be a lot of work. There will be parts you love, parts where you’ll find freedom and fun. But while I know you turned down the mental health options after Jax, I do think you can build something stronger with Tennant, and even with the others in the Council, through some of the therapists who have been brought in. Please, don’t make my mistakes. Don’t cut yourself off.”
Snorting, I don’t think he realizes it’s already too late for that. Still, I feel the truth in his words, although I worry that Tennant will pass on the idea of therapy. Then again, he’s proven over and over again that he’ll give me whatever I need.
Pushing those thoughts away, I focus on the man in front of me, pondering our shared predicaments. Challenging him, I retort, “If you’re suggesting I shouldn't cut myself off, where does that leave you with Jude? I notice you didn’t mention him. And with Cristian? Since that situation has led us here.”
Allesandro’s face contorts with misery, and he quickly averts his eyes. For a moment, I regret my questions, but…I need to know. Part of it’s selfish. I see the twin dynamics between us, even though I instinctively want to fight against it.
“Antonio deserved a far better Dom than me. He needed one who could give him full-time attention. And…one who knew what he was doing. That provided a safety that the mighty Padrone could not.” His words are sad, even though I would have thought bitterness would be the main driver. His fingers cease their tapping as they curl into fists, desolation wafting off him in waves. A soft voice, one I almost have to strain to hear, whispers in the office. “Thank fuck my Ghost found Jude. That they found each other. And that Jude understands what’s in Antonio’s heart. He…unlocked something that I could never find.”
“A lot of relationships have changed, but that doesn’t answer my question,” I press, despite wondering whether I’ve tortured us enough for now.
“They have. Some broke—momentarily or permanently. Some are being rebuilt. And others have been set free to find their place. Antonio is finding his place, and is blossoming under Jude’s care. As someone who loves Antonio, Jude cannot accept me or forgive me. Please, don’t try to push him on that. Instead,learn about him, connect with him if you can, and remember, what Tennant brings you is far more than one person.”
I refuse to make a promise I’m not sure I can keep, especially with the way Jude looks at both Allesandro and myself. “You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thank you, Allesandro. And while I know you’re embracing Sandro, perhaps don’t forget why you’re more than that. Just as you remind Emilio that he’s more than Death, you’re more than Sandro, and you don’t need to hide behind him.”
I get up and walk toward the door without waiting for a response. Hopefully, I was able to repay his kindness with some advice of my own. Though, fuck knows if it’ll actually help.
Walking back toward the medical wing, I run everything through my mind again—and again. I’m sure after a nap I’ll still be thinking about it, but then it’ll be time to talk to the person who can really answer my questions.
Still, there’s the other piece, the one I know Allesandro is sidestepping. It’s the only part I let go. There’s nothing I can do if he’s not willing to offer me answers, especially when I’m not sure if I can handle answering any more on my own.
Where is Cristian in all of this? And does Allesandro still love him?
Never did I think I’d spend so much time around goats, but watching Cole interact with them is a joy. Monroe is patient as he shows Cole how to pet and brush Lizzie and Billy. Cole giggles when Lizzie headbutts him. Apparently, she didn’t like him giving so much attention to her brother.
Marcus leans against me, and I wrap an arm around his waist, holding my love close as we watch our son.Our son.The claim to Cole still takes my breath away sometimes, knowing these two men trust me enough to be part of Cole’s life…especially after what happened… It’s a gift I’ll never take for granted.
They might reassure me that I have nothing to be guilty about, that the bitch would have done what she did no matter what, but that doesn’t ease the pain in my chest whenever I think about how close we were to losing him. Seeing him now, soshy and unsure most of the time, losing the sound of his sweet voice…it kills me.
But then he’ll smile at one of us, he’ll meet our eyes again, or like now, he’ll open up around the goats, and the coil of fear and worry that lives in my chest eases just a bit.
Monroe hands a baggie of…something to Cole, talking to him too softly for us to hear, and the goats start up a loud duet of bleats as they stare at the bag.
“Are those…animals crackers?” Marcus muses.
Watching closely as Monroe drops a few on the ground in demonstration, I think he might be right. The goats descend on the treats, moving like they’ve never eaten before, and Cole squeals in delight as he drops a few of his own crackers onto the ground for them.
With a smile, Monroe stands to his full height and backs up a little, leaving Cole to play with the goats. He glances up at Marcus and I, and motions us over.
Taking Marcus’s hand in mine as he straightens up, we delicately walk over, making sure to hang back slightly, not wanting to disturb the goats or Cole.
Monroe moves to stand beside us, brushing his hands on his jeans. He's close enough to speak quietly, but makes sure not to get too close. I still marvel at how…delicate he is. He's even shorter than Roman, and everything about Monroe seems almost fragile. There’s no doubt he’s good at his job, though. The scene playing out in front of us, Cole being love-bombed by goats as he tosses a fistful of animal crackers onto the ground for them, the flashes I see of the little boy I first met is proof enough that he’s good at easing someone who’s been through what Cole has.
