“Please,” I beg as tears threaten to fall. “I need you to talk to him. He doesn’t want to cross any boundaries. He’s deferring to you, and to him, that means he can’t be a Master. That the imbalance is too strong, because you’re in charge of everything.”
Hollis’s body stiffens, and he shakes his head. “He’s not wrong. I am in charge. Your safety means too much to me to let him have carte blanche.”
“But you won’t even talk to him! I know he’s tried. You walk past him like you don’t even see him. You block every attempt he makes to talk with you. I’m not the only one who has noticed. Even Roman has. He says he was told Master was off limits, but that there’d be no discussion about it. You’re laying down rules, making the decisions, but you’re notlistening,and I need you to listen to me.”
Jumping to his feet, Hollis comes closer to me, his hand whipping out to grab my throat. “Are you questioning me, Cucciolo? Because that’s not your place.”
His voice is like ice and it slithers along my veins, freezing me in place so that nothing can touch me—not even the love that I know must exist between us. He doesn’t exert any pressure, but he doesn’t have to, just this position reinforces the imbalance between us. It’s one I normally treasure, because I know he sees me and values my submission. But now… Now, I’m beginning to wonder if he really does. Or am I merely a puppet for his pleasure?
When he abruptly lets me go, my hands fly to my throat, testing it even though I know he didn’t hurt me. The guilt in Hollis’s eyes makes it worse, and I wish I could comfort him, but I can’t. Not…Not right now.
“You are my Owner. My Angel. The man I love.” I take a deep breath, stepping even closer so there’s barely a hairsbreadth between us. I reach out and caress his face before I step back, letting the divide swallow the pain and confusion. “But, you and Daddy taught me to reach for more in life. You taught me to have things like boundaries. And to want healthy relationships.
“And Master… Master taught me that I am more than my submission. I think perhaps you’ve forgotten that at some point. You’re used to me falling to my knees. But… As much as I love you, I will not yield anymore. Not when it comes to matters of the heart.”
“What are you saying?” Hollis demands, rage and fear entwined in his eyes, pouring off him in waves hot enough to burn. “Are you saying you’d choose him over me? Over the love we’ve all given you?”
I shake my head, wishing he’d listen. Fuck, maybe I should have talked to Javi first. Or Anderson. I…I foolishly thought he’d hear me.
I hold up my hand to stop him from coming nearer as I back up even further. “It nearly killed me walking away from Master, but I did it. This time, I’m going to walk out that door and away from you. Because if you make me choose… Well, I’m finally strong enough to choose myself.
“I need people who will listen when I talk. Ones who will treasure my submission and won’t just bark out orders. And yes, right now, Master gives me that. But it’s not a competition, my Angel. It never was. You want control. But this time? This time, you can’t have it.”
With that, I whirl around and dash for the exit, nausea clawing at me. I bolt to the nearest bathroom, promptly losing what little food I had in my stomach. I take out my phone and send a shaky text to Daddy, hoping he’ll go check on my Angel.Maybe he can fix this…because all I did was make it worse. Only…I don’t know what I could have done differently?
Why? Why wouldn’t he listen? Fuck. All I want is to love him, but… I can’t offer blind allegiance anymore. Not even to my Angel…
“You’re deliberately hurting your submissive.”
Javi’s words from the other day hit like a freight train. As do Emilio’s.“Master taught me that I’m more than my submission. I think perhaps you’ve forgotten that at some point.”
The thing is? I didn’t forget. How could I when the greatest gift of all was getting the puppy—myPuppy—to trust me with everything he is?
Failure.
Bile works its way up and I choke on it. Falling to my knees, I reach for the trash can and lean over it. The acid burns my throat and nose. There’s been nothing in my stomach but coffee since…fuck if I know anymore.
We’ve been trying to take turns eating with Roman and Lio, to make sure Roman actually eats, but fuck if I remember eatinganything more than whatever baked good was shoved in my hand at some point or another.
Fucking hell. Even the baked goods are a reminder of my failure.
“You walk past him like you don’t even see him. You block every attempt he makes to talk to you.”
The need to make it all go away, the promise of physical pain to drown out the soul-crushing emotional pain, is so fucking tempting. Except, I gave up my knives. I placed my trust in Connor’s hands, and what? Expect it all to just go away?
No. I know better. I know I need to want it for the meds, the therapy, the fucking promise of being stronger than I currently am, to work.
How can anything work when you can’t even keep the Boy you love happy?
Strong arms encase me from behind, and I try to break out of his grip.
“No,” I whisper. Then louder, “No!”
“Shh. I got you, Hol.”
I shake violently, but Tennant doesn’t let me go, always so willing to put himself at risk for the sake of others.
A sob escapes my throat, but no tears fall. Not that I deserve to cry. No, the numbness spreading through me is the least I deserve for letting down, not only Emilio, but every single person who ever put their trust in me.
