He huffs a little. “And Lio will take anything without complaint…unlike me.”
I squeeze his hands until he winces. “Could you have spoken up? Yes, but I could have asked. We…both failed, Topolino. I know better. I know how to be there for a person because I forced myself to learn when Hollis kidnapped me the first time. But you…everything was so fucking different with you, Benjamin. It…it felt like when I first met Hollis in person all over again. Only not, because you and he are different. Still, you are it for me. As sure as I am that I’m Emilio’s Daddy…I can be yours too.”
He gasps and tries to pull his hands from mine, but I hold him tight enough that I can feel the bones shift in his hands. “I…I’m not a—a B—Boy. No… Y—you…you and An—Anderson can’t be right…how would I not know? After being around Lio for so long… Wh—why would you want that?”
Loosening my grip so I don’t hurt him, but keeping it firm enough so he can’t pull away, I ask, “Why wouldn’t I? I love you. I love being with you. I love caring not just for you and Lio, but for everyone I call mine. I’ve spoken to Ian, and done my own research, as I’ve been trying to figure out how to be the perfect Daddy for Emilio. I’m not sure what you and Andersonspoke about in your session, but based on the things I’ve been learning…I think you might need that too. Just from knowing you, and speaking to both Ian and Ignacio about you, little things have been adding up. If that’s what you need from me, Topolino, I am here, ready to catch you as you fall.”
“You already are the perfect Daddy. I know Lio well—or I did—and I know how sweet and amazing he is. I know you’re the best Daddy for him because he’s the sweetest Boy. I just…I don’t get that. I don’t understand his need for a Daddy that way.”
“Because you’re not that type of Boy, Amore.”
He blinks at me. “I…wouldn’t I know if I’m a Boy?” His words are so quiet, and he sounds…lost, as if he doesn’t know himself anymore, and maybe he doesn’t.
“Whether or not you’re a Middle…it doesn’t matter to me. What matters is your happiness. If…you’d be happier without me…”
It’s his turn to grip my hands tightly. “I won’t! I…I love you so fucking much. I just…I don’t know how to do this anymore, Nocciola. I don’t know how to love you and not hurt either of us.” Tears fall down his cheeks. “I was hoping it was Hollis who was drugging me…putting me out of my misery, so I wouldn’t be your downfall anymore. I…I can’t do this, Ten.”
Releasing his hands, I reach for his face, holding him to the point of bruising. “I won’t play games with you. If you…want to leave, you can. You’re mine. You’ll always be mine, but I won’t hold you against your will. If you do? That’s it. I can’t do the hot and cold, back and forth bullshit. I’m not built that way.
“Just know I was yours from the moment I put my hands on you. If…if my life is too much, or my love is not enough for you…then I understand. But if you stay…if you trust me enough to put my failure right, then I’ll show you a life and love you never imagined.
“I’m sorry for making you feel as if I only cared about one part of you. I don’t give a shit if all you want is to play video games all day every day. Hell, become one of those weird people who stream their gaming sessions on the internet for all I care. Hol will hide your identity. Don’t ever think you’re not enough for me exactly as you fucking are.”
He starts to sob and I pull him back into my lap. “Shhh,” I whisper, pressing a kiss to his head. “I have you, Topolino. You’re not alone. I promise. Non dovrai mai più essere solo, Cuore Mio. Io sono qui. Sempre.”
He wraps his arms around me, holding me as tightly as he can. “I don’t know what to do…”
“We’ll get through this,together. You and me…and Anderson. Maybe even Ian.” I kiss him again. “I love you, Benjamin. I love you, and I’ll do whatever you need me to. I’ll buy you whatever you need to continue your games, and I’ll show you in every way I can that you matter—not just to me, buteveryone.”
“They all hate me… As they should…”
“No, they don’t. They just hate what’s happened. But don’t worry about them. All that matters right now is you and me. Together? We’re unstoppable, Amore. If you trust me enough, I’ll make this right.”
He pulls away just enough to look me in the eye. “I trust you with my life.”
I press a light kiss to his lips, licking up his tears. “Then let me show you.” Tangling a hand in his messy hair, I tug, earning a gasp from him.
“I don’t want anyone else to hate me…for taking up your limited time…”
“Quiet. If I hear one more self-deprecating word from you, Iwillspank you. Middle or Boy or not. You understand? I said I love you, Benjamin. I don’t just toss those words out willy-nilly.I mean them. From the first time I saw you, until I take my last breath, you are one of my priorities. Yes, I have others, but you are always a priority.” My words are a vow, and Benjamin must get their meaning because something that looks a lot like hope crosses his face before he shuts it down.
The thing he doesn’t realize? I mean every fucking word. I just…need to figure out how to bring it up to Hol.
“Are you in this with me?” I ask.
He shakes in my arms. “I…I want to be, so fucking badly…”
Pressing a firm kiss to his mouth, I bite him until I taste his blood, giving him another reminder of who he belongs to. “That’s enough for now.”
Benjamin hides his face in my throat again and I let him, allowing his tears to soak into my skin.
We’re both probably going to have bruises from how hard we’re clutching at each other, but it’s worth it.
The sick feeling hasn’t left yet. Not when I was so close to almost losing him…
My heart starts to race at the very thought, so I tug at his shirt, needing to get my hands on his skin. I dig my fingernails in until he cries out in pain, but he doesn’t ask me to stop.
I can feel his skin give way, and blood slides down my fingers, but still I press harder, holding him as tightly as possible without him beinginmy skin.
