The frustration is there, and I’m not sure what to say. My mind is a complex web of chaos that sometimes I just…need to shut down. And lately, I’ve been finding ways to do that, even if it’s not exactly normal. It doesn’t feel quite as good as when Master took control. There’s still a level of itchiness in my brain, but…it’s better.
“Have you ever heard of age play? And regression?” Anderson’s voice is friendly, non-judgmental, and I exhale in relief.
“Uh, yeah. Master and I… He had a nursery. It was not my favorite thing.” I laugh, even if it sounds slightly forced.
Anderson lightly rubs his chin, and then asks, “Did you feel better afterward?”
I meet his steady gaze, drawing some strength from it as I whisper, “Yeah. I did.”
“You know…there’s nothing to be ashamed about. You asked about the coloring books, but did you know I use those too? My Daddy is Ian, and he helps me let go. It’s not all about punishment.”
“We didn’t have that. It was almost always punishment-based. But…that sounds fun,” I reply wistfully. I kind of want to color pretty pictures, but I’m a Council member. I’m not supposed to want that, right?
“It’s hard, isn’t it?” I turn my attention back to Anderson, not realizing I’d drifted off. My face heats, and I shrug. As if he can read my mind, Anderson clarifies, “Trying to be everything…it’s always hard. I’m sure you’ve got that. Being a Council member, part of a polyamorous group, a submissive, a Boy…it gets all tangled up, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.” I breathe the word out, ashamed of the feelings swirling inside me. “And I feel like I’m failing. I’m not able to do much for the Council right now. And…I don’t know how to be there for my Owner. I love him so much, he’s my Angel, but I hurt him because I can’t let my Master go. I hate that. I…”
A sob catches in my throat, pain ripping through me. The loveseat dips as Anderson takes a seat next to me, with a box of tissue in his hand. I grab it like a lifeline, trying to dry the tears and calm myself.
“Just breathe with me,” Anderson murmurs. “Inhale…exhale… And inhale…exhale.”
He takes me through several rounds until the fear finally loosens its grip. My shoulders slump, and I mutter a quick, “Sorry about that.”
“Nothing to be sorry about. This is a safe place. We’re facing scary things. Discord in a polyamorous relationship…that’s tough. But you know, communication is key in any relationship. As is remembering that you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. You can control your own feelings—to a certain degree—and your own actions, but you can’t be responsible for others.”
I wrinkle my nose at that, shaking my head. “But then why do my Daddy and Master know to step in to help me?”
Chuckling, Anderson leans back, stretching out his legs. “I’ll let Ian cover that one for you. I want you to know that whatever the issue is between your Owner and Master…that’s for them to work out. All you can do is be the sweet Boy you are. That means you need to be able to embrace that side of yourself.
“Do you want me to have Ian talk to your Daddy and Papa Bear about it? Remember, everything here is confidential. But if you want me to have Ian explain this, I’m sure he’d be happy to do so.”
“You think?” I ask doubtfully, not used to someone being willing to step in like that.
Anderson brushes imaginary lint from his khakis, as he seems to be trying to find the right words. Finally, he says, “I’ll let you in on a secret. A Daddy likes to fix things. They are really good at it. Even if they’re a little frustrating that way. I know we’re doing things a little…non-traditionally around here, but I think it’s a good match. What do you think?”
Cocking my head to the side, I study Anderson carefully. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about him in the beginning, but… “Yeah, I think so. I like you. And…I trust you. I know my Daddy is the ultimate feels whisperer, so if you think the Daddies should talk, it’s probably a good idea.”
“Thank you for the trust.” Anderson’s smile lights up the room. Then he hesitantly asks me, “How have the thoughts been?”
“No more thoughts of killing myself. Self-harm…a little bit, when I initially panic. But it blows over when I use the coping mechanisms I’ve been taught. The meds seem to be helping as well. And… Well, can I tell you a secret?” When Anderson gestures to say yes, I whisper my truth, the one I’m most afraid of saying aloud. “I… Having Master back has settled something deep inside me. It… I can’t explain it. I love my Angel, and Daddy, and Roman…but Master? He’s… I know what he did washorrible, and maybe I’m wrong to forgive him, but my soul? It reaches for him. Every. Time.”
“We can discuss it further, but for now, I want to let you know that is perfectly alright. I understand what you’re saying.”
“Do you?” I press, because I can’t figure it out myself.
Biting his lip, he stares at the coloring book in front of him before he drops his shoulders and turns toward me. “Normally, I wouldn’t say this, but again, we’re choosing to be unconventional here. Just because you have that reaction to your Master, it doesn’t mean you love him more. That’s what you’re afraid of, isn’t it?”
My eyes widen and the breath catches in my lungs, because fuck, he just opened up my biggest fear. Even more than not being enough for the Council, it's the fear of not being enough in all my relationships because of what I feel for Master…
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Anderson murmurs, taking my expression as confirmation. “We’ll discuss it further, but for now, I want you to remember that everyone leaves an imprint. Some people are here for seasons, some forever. And even when you find those who are here forever, love is limitless.
“Don’t try to make it make sense. That way lies insanity. Love can’t be found in nice mathematical terms, or be quantified in ways that the human mind can process. Let yourself feel it. And know that for those who love you, you are enough, just. As. You. Are.”
We wrap up our session fairly quickly after that. I reiterate that he has my permission to talk to his Daddy. While part of me wanted to argue with him about accuracy, because he’s absolutely discounting theoretical mathematics, I let it go.
For now, I take what he said and tuck it into my heart. Because…maybe I am enough. Maybe the fact I can’t live without Master doesn’t mean I’m failing the rest. After all, I’ve never been forced to choose between the others, like I was withMaster… And, well, I don’t want to tear myself into pieces anymore. I want to be strong. For myself, and for those I love. Always.
Knocking on Ian’s door, I impatiently wait for him to shout, “Come in.” Thisbeing politething is such bullshit. It's so much easier when I can pretend social norms don’t exist and just walk in without waiting.
