Work done, I take a shower, and as usual try not to look at myself in the mirror. I know very few women make it into their forties looking like they did in their prime, but I suppose today I feel extra aware of it. Thinking abouthim, about Bonnie Bay, about the past, is making me hyper-aware of the failings of the present. It’s all been so very strange, the way it’s crept up on me. I’d felt that odd sensation of being stalked byRomeo and Juliet, and then wham, it went from stalking to a full-on mugging.
Bonnie Bay. How is that even possible?
I towel-dry my hair, a bit too vigorously. When I go back out, Beth has set up our food on the dining table, and poured me a glass of wine. ‘This is nice,’ I say, gesturing at what she’s done.
‘For a change, you mean?’
As ever, we are only a hair’s width away from conflict. I smile, and let it go. ‘Not at all. Shall we?’
It doesn’t take long to work our way through the spread. Artisanal olives and charcuterie boards are all well and good, but I confess I wish we’d gone for fish and chips instead. Beth is mopping up the final bit of hummus when she suddenly speaks.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says quietly.
‘Okay. About what?’
‘About being such a bitch to you. I mean, you’re my mum, and it’s normal we have rows sometimes, but I know you’ve been trying really hard and I’ve just been… yeah. A bit of a cow, actually.’
She’s staring at her carrot stick as she speaks, and then slings it onto her plate in disgust.
‘That’s all right,’ I tell her calmly. ‘But thank you. I know things haven’t been easy for you.’
I leave it there, hoping she’ll open up. Hoping she will talk to me, let me help her. No matter how awful she can be, I love the very bones of this girl, and I would do anything for her.
‘When we were in that bookshop, while you were having your nap,’ she says, hesitantly to start with, ‘I looked at Insta.’
Of course she did. She spends way too much time on social media, like they all seem to. Probably catching up on what amazing things Lily is up to. I nod, giving her space.
‘And Dad had posted. He’s on “vacay” in Florida. Him, Val, Ollie, all together in a place called Naples. It looked really pretty.’
Ah. Things suddenly become clearer, and I feel a red mist descend. How dare he treat her like this? How dare he cancel her trip, claiming that he had ‘too much going on’, and then take his new family on holiday? More to the point, how could he be so stupid and selfish as to then post pictures of said holiday,knowing there was a chance Beth would see them? No wonder the poor love needed to throw a book!
I reach across the table, and take her hands in mine. She’s staring down, trying to hide her emotions, but I can feel the tremor in her fingers.
‘Beth, can I be honest with you about something?’
She looks up, and nods. I’ve always tried to stay positive or at the very least neutral about her father, but maybe it’s time for a few home truths.
‘Your dad has many good qualities, but he can also be deeply selfish. He’s always been the same. I don’t say this to just criticise him, love, I say it because I want you to know that none of this is your fault.’
‘How can it not be?’ she asks, her voice anguished. ‘It must be my fault – maybe if I was better, or more fun, or different somehow, then he’d have wanted me to come and stay?’
My nostrils flare with fury. I want to stab him through the heart, the absolute bastard.
‘No! No, Beth. Stop right there. This is a complicated situation, but one thing is very simple – there is nothing wrong with you. It’s him, all the way. You were little when we split up, and we’ve never really talked about it. I’m not going to go into gory details, but even then he was selfish. He… he did things, he behaved in ways that hurt the people around him. It wasn’t through malice – he never deliberately sets out to be mean. He just never really thinks about the consequences of his actions. It’s… it’s just the way he’s made.’
In truth, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if things are already going wrong with Valerie. If cancelling Beth’s trip and taking her and the baby away on holiday is an attempt to patch over the cracks that are already starting to show. I say none of this, because I have no facts to base it on. Just years of watching the trail of destruction Beth’s father leaves in his wake.
Beth chews her lip and seems to think about it. ‘I’ve been really sad, and really angry, and kind of hated him. And then I feel guilty about that and go back to being annoyed with myself. Or, uh, you.’
‘I know, darling. And it’s okay. We’re complex creatures, capable of feeling all kinds of things. I just want you to know how precious and special you are, all right? You always were and always will be my magical girl.’
She rolls her eyes, but manages a small smile. Despite the eyeliner and the nose ring and the bad attitude, my magic girl is still very much in there. And she still needs her mum.
‘So, what’s the deal with this Bonnie Bay place?’ she asks. The abrupt change of subject catches me off guard, and I school my face into neutral. Immediately, she frowns. ‘No, don’t do that thing, Mum – that thing where you pretend to look all calm even when I know you’re not! It’s like… emotional Botox, like you can’t move your face, like Lily’s mum!’
I laugh out loud at that. Maybe Lily’s mum isn’t quite so perfect after all. Still, can I talk to Beth about this? Should I? Looking at her hopeful expression, I decide there is no reason not to. She has opened up to me. She is a young woman now. Besides, it was all so long ago – practically Jurassic.
‘Okay, Little Miss Nosy. So… you do realise I wasn’t always ancient and boring, right?’
