I hear a little groan, and the zip gets pulled down. I gaze in at his cave, at his rumpled sleeping bag and dishevelled hair.
‘Were you having a little kip, grandad?’ I ask, as he yawns and stretches his arms. He doesn’t have a top on, and I’m glad it’s a bit dim inside the tent. I can already see too much of him for my peace of mind.
‘Yes,’ he replies, tugging on a T-shirt. ‘Been working all day, grabbed a quick shower, and came back here to read for a bit. Imanaged maybe two pages before I passed out. Shall I come out or do you want to come in? We can both fit if we lie down and don’t make any sudden movements…’
I’m currently hovering at the entrance, and decide on going in. It’s just after eight, and the temperature is dipping enough for me to wish I’d grabbed a jacket before I set off. I suppose I was insulated by the bubble of my bad mood on the way here.
There isn’t a lot of room inside, and Guy takes up most of it. We both lie on our sides, faces inches away from each other, trying not to laugh as we manoeuvre our limbs into tolerable positions. We’re both old hands at this, I guess; maybe more comfortable with canvas than the confines of a house.
‘Well, this is cosy,’ I say, waggling my eyebrows at him. ‘Are you not worried in case I take advantage of you?’
‘No. You’re all talk, woman,’ he replies. ‘So, what brings you out to my des res this evening?’
‘The fact that I’m a great big giant baby.’
‘Ah. I see. About anything in particular?’
I fill him in on the conversation I’d had with Archie and feel like an absolute idiot once I put it all into words. ‘I know I’m being silly,’ I add. ‘I know I’m overreacting. And I know that I’m the only one casting myself in this role as the pantomime villain – but it still hurt, you know? Made me realise that maybe I’d started to relax into things here. Started to enjoy being part of it all, in my own stunted way. It all feels so fragile, though. Like if I put one foot wrong, it’ll all blow up in my face…’
He nods, and sighs out loud. ‘Yeah. I get that. Either it’ll blow up, or you’ll blow it up, and either way there’ll be carnage. I know. I had a similar thing too. I offered to watch Evan for Miranda, if she wanted to go and join the others at the inn for dinner. She flat out said no. She wasn’t trying to hurt me, she just said it was too soon. I guess we both feel like we’re on trial,and that isn’t easy, is it? All we can do is keep on keeping on, and see if things change.’
I feel a sharp stab of sympathy as he speaks, completely understanding where Miranda is coming from, but also sharing my friend’s pain.
‘You’re right, I know. Miracles don’t happen overnight. I just never expected to feel like this – like I wanted to be needed? If you’d asked me a year ago how I’d have felt if I came back here, I’d have said “desperate to escape in three minutes flat.” And there’s still a bit of that, it’s always going to be part of me, but I also really feel the pull of it – the appeal of being here with people I love, being part of their lives, depending on them and letting them depend on me.’
He props his face up on his hand, looking down at me intensely. ‘That’s a scary thought, isn’t it? People depending on you. What if… what if we let them down?’
‘I know. It’s terrifying. Shit, we need to stop talking about this, it’s way too heavy!’
‘It is. You want to make out instead?’
I laugh and whack him on the chest. I know he’s just trying to lighten the mood, and it’s definitely working. ‘How very dare you! What on earth gave you the idea I’d be interested in such behaviour?’
‘Every word out of your mouth since we met?’
‘You’re deluded,’ I reply firmly. ‘I find you physically repellent.’
‘Oh. Okay. Are you sure? You looked like you were going to pass out earlier, before I put my T-shirt on…’
‘Yes. The sheer disgustingness of you made me queasy.’
We laugh some more, and it chases away the melancholy that we were both feeling. ‘I’m really glad we bumped into each in the woods,’ I say, snuggling a bit closer to him. He scoots me into hisarms, my head resting snugly against his chest, and replies: ‘Me too. I’m not sure if I’d have stayed otherwise.’
I nod, letting myself relax against him. He smells good and clean and fresh, and it’s insanely comforting to be here in this little cocoon, wrapped in the arms of this man. I feel safe and free at the same time, which is my ideal state of bliss. I look up at his face, the shape of his jaw and the firm outline of his cheekbones shadowed in the dim light. He really is madly attractive, and part of me really wishes things were different.
‘If I’d met you on a starlit night in Africa,’ I say, smiling at the idea, ‘I’d have absolutely jumped your bones.’
He grins, his eyes shining. ‘I can picture the scene,’ he says. ‘Campfire, beer, one of those irritating hippie dudes playing bad Bob Dylan covers on an acoustic guitar…’
‘God, there was always one of those, wasn’t there?’
‘Always. We’d have snuck away together, your place or mine, and spent one of those perfect nights with strangers. You know the ones.’
I do. It is one of the facts of a transient life – meeting different people, never really knowing them, sharing intense times and special moments that define you more than names or normal commitments. Is that what Guy and I would have been? Ships that pass in the night? A fun evening of mutual pleasure and then goodbye, so long, what was your name again? Maybe we would – and maybe this is better. This is real friendship, I think, not something glittering that burns bright and fades away just as quickly.
Still, I’d be lying to myself if I denied the fact that I also feel the tug of the man. If I denied the fact that part of me wants to slide my hands under the fabric of his top and touch the muscle that I know lies beneath. It would be so easy to shift a few small inches, change the whole mood of this encounter. Throw my legover his hip and pull him closer, turn my face up to his for a kiss…
Lordy. My whole body lights up at the idea, and I start to think it might be time to leave. I’ve always assured him that I don’t mean it, that I’m just a flirt, that there is no intent behind my saucy banter. But right now, in this moment, I’m really not sure I’ve been totally honest with myself.
