“Shall I just sit here and let you play on my behalf as well?”
“We might actually win for once if I did,”Thi quips back, the sound of rapid clicking coming through his mic. I bark a laugh, snatching for the mouse.
“You’re insufferable,” I huff, entering the game. My avatar turns and starts walking away, and my eyes narrow at the round swell of her ass. “Have you edited my girl’s body as well?” His throat is cleared through the headset, something smug slipping through his tone.
“I mean, now that I’ve seen your incredible figure in person, I thought your character should match.”Pursing my lips together, I take the compliment, not pushing the phrase ‘in-person’. Just how many times Thi has seen my body through the webcam isn’t a question I want answered. At least he knows exactly what he’s getting with me, a moping mess who makes terrible judgement calls.Oh shit. I inhale sharply.
“You good?”Thiago asks, his avatar on screen pausing briefly. I swallow hard, forcing my face to remain neutral.
“Um, yeah. Yep. Just…remembered something,” I dodge, blinking away the images of me shoving my tongue down Everest’s throat, his length pressing me against the door. Thi responds with a knowing sound and my gut drops.
“I know exactly what it is. Don’t worry, I’m on it.”The still static between us goes silent, achingly so. I’ve been muted.
“W-wait. Thi? What are you doing?” I frown, glancing up at my webcam. Guilt is plastered all over my face, heat rising tomy cheeks. Damn it. I should have just told him about it when it happened. It’s not like I planned to be caught in a vulnerable situation with Everest, it just seems to happen. I need to be smarter now. I have far too much to lose by being reckless.
A few minutes later, my phone pings with a notification. I snatch it up, my eyes skimming a receipt from my favorite Chinese takeout. I’m unmuted and the low crackle of static comes back.
“You just remembered you skipped dinner. I’ve got you covered. It’ll be there in thirty minutes.”My heart flutters at that. I don’t know what to say, when thank you doesn’t seem enough to cover what Thiago does for me. How much he thinks for me, when I’d typically drown in a pit of self-destruction. My thumb hesitates over my phone, the weight of the device in my hand seeming to double. Twisting my lips, I tilt my head to the side.
“Can I ask you a real question? Like, no bullshit.”
“Is it how I know your takeout order?”Thiago replies immediately. My eyes fly up to the webcam, glaring with deadpan seriousness. I can hear the mirth in Thi’s voice, and imagine him raising both hands in defeat.“Meu deus, if looks could kill. Okay, I’ll behave. Ask away.”
I draw in a slow breath, my gaze drifting back to the screen, where his avatar stands beside mine. Two figures in a fantasy world where they regenerate. Whatever happens to them, they get to simply try again. It’s not so easy in reality.
“Don’t you ever worry,” I start, then pause, my fingers curling slightly against my palm as I search for the right way to say this without seeming like I’m pulling back. “About giving too much of yourself away? I suppose I worry you’re going to give me more of you than I can reciprocate.” My throat tightens at merely the thought, but it needs to be said. “I just don’t really see what you’re getting out of this arrangement.”
“That’s exactly why I’m going to love you until you do,”his reply comes instantly.
I suck a breath in, my gut flipping like it’s part of a circus act. Ducking my head away from the camera, I tenderly hold the mic beside my mouth.
“Love is a strong word, Thi. You barely even know me.” I chew on my lip, worry bleeding through that I’m coming across uninterested. The truth is the polar opposite, I’m definitely interested, but I always fear that our relationship has jumped a few stages, although a huge part of that could be the pre-life crisis I’ve been going through. I didn’t need to be anxious though, because Thiago simply chuckles and I hear him crack his knuckles as if he’s been prepping for this exact moment.
“I know you have nightmares more than not. I know you hate going out after dark. I know you flinch when people walk too fast or speak too loud. I know that you spend half your time trying to decide how you’re supposed to act rather than going on instinct. I know someone did that to you, and I know I’m the only one you’ve let even close to helping you through it.”
“So you care for me out of a sense of duty,” I state far too quickly. The words burst out without giving my mind time to catch up. Smacking my forehead with my palm, Thi makes a sound of amusement.
“It might have started that way. I happen to have experience in having your world ripped away in one single night, leaving you utterly isolated and detached.”The way he says it so easily, has my brows twitching. Licking my lips, I sit back, tugging the covers higher. I can feel him staring at me through the cam, so I hold my gaze on the black orb as my voice drops to practically a whisper.
“You…never speak about your mom.”
A long stretch of silence follows. I start to fidget with my cuticles, wondering what he’s thinking. If I should have kept mymouth shut. This is the foundation we’ve somehow managed to skip, the part where I get to know Thiago, his upbringing and his motivations. Why he is the way he is, what happened for him to use humor as a defense and not care about the red flags I’ve been swinging around my head since day one.
Eventually, Thi exhales slowly through the headset.
“You know, I was so worried to go home after I dropped out of high school. There was this English Lit teacher that hated me, I swear it. She knew I couldn’t read the words jumping around the page, but she called on me to read to the class over and over. In the end, I told her to go fuck herself and I walked out of class for the last time.”
Something twinges in my chest, the dropped octave I’m not used to hearing curling through my ears with a sense of trepidation. I cling onto the covers, my knees drawing up on instinct.
“I knew my mom would whoop my ass when I told her, so I didn’t go home. I walked around the streets, stopped by my cousins to play some games. Didn’t want to answer my phone or be found, but I didn’t need to worry, I suppose. By the time I rocked up at the house, Old Woman Rosa was there with the ambulance. My mom…she’d fallen down the stairs, but that’s not what killed her. She’d been sick for a long time. I had no idea.”There’s another pause, his casual wit fully stripped back to a hoarse whisper.“I had no fucking idea.”
“It’s not your fault, Thi,” I start but he huffs a humorless laugh.
“Isn’t it? I could have been home hours before school ended. I would have dropped out months before if I’d known how sick she was.”I press my lips together, not knowing what to say. I had no idea he was withholding so much of himself, crushing it all inside. Guilt rages inside my being, and apparently Thi can see it written all over my face.
“So maybe I’m on some crusade to save you. Maybe sitting with you in the hospital was a form of therapy for me too, and maybe I’m too intense with wanting to know your favorite takeout order and clothing size. But I’m not confused in my feelings for you, Amorzinha. This whole time you think I’ve been saving you, you’ve been saving me too. I’ll give you all of me because I can, and I don’t need much in return. Your smile, your small laugh. Knowing you’re alive and safe.”
Focusing on keeping my lungs working, my chest rises and falls heavily. I wanted to know more about Thiago, and now I do, I’ve fallen for him all the more. Although, that doesn’t change the fact that I have no idea who I am, even how I’m getting through each day without crumbling.
