Felix raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. I nod, the back of my neck tingling. Somehow, it seems like he saved that part for me, even when addressing all of us.
“Today, football might feel like the most important thing in your world. I know that because I’ve once been where you are now.” His voice has shifted to a more cautious tone, like he’s measuring the weight of every word before releasing it. “That’s not true. Don’t let your performance on the field, the draft,the talk, the media define who you are. You’re more than just a quarterback, a tight end, or a wide receiver. You’re young men who deserve a future with your health intact, meaningful relationships in your lives, and whatever else makes you happy. Okay? Not everything out there is worth the cost.”
Suddenly, my throat feels tight. I grab the edge of my chair when a wave of dizziness hits me.
“Okay,” Felix and Seb echo next to me, the sound of scraping chairs and shuffling legs filling the room as they get up, Novák already talking about flexible hours for Seb.
“Mahoney?” Wagner asks when I don’t move, still rooted to my chair. I can hear the frown in it, even when my eyes stay fixed on the dark linoleum. I think about my bank account, about my father’s text messages behind my cracked cell phone screen, and about my mother in Thailand, and for the first time, I ask myself if all of itisreally worth it.
“Micah?” Wagner says again, and I clear my throat when I finally look up at him. My voice shakes when I try to speak, and I need three tries before I get the words out.
“Dr. Ellis,” I say. “Is…I mean…will everything someone would talk to him about be…confidential?”
Wagner holds my gaze for a moment, gray eyes softening before he nods. “Yes, Micah. Of course. Do you want me to set up an appointment?”
Linden, August 19th
The “bats & badgers” diner has expanded, taking over the patio to establish outdoor seating. It’s clearly a spontaneous arrangement; the chairs, tables, and parasols are all mismatched, but it’s packed with guests anyway. Everyone wants to enjoy as many warm evenings as they can get while the summer still lasts.
A waitress weaves through the tables, delivering milkshakes and ice-cream sundaes.
I try to stay out of her way as I pick my way through the patio tables until I can slide into the chair across from Colin. “Hi!”
“Hey.” He looks up, eyebrows drawn low, dimming his smile significantly. “We really could have met at my place.”
“Yeah, I know. I just wanted to talk first.” And I suspect coming to Colin’s apartment would have given him the wrong idea about how things are between us. Our chat reflects the distance that I felt growing since we last saw each other: There’s a huge gap between his beach picture and Colin’s last message that simply said‘I’mback’.
After my‘Welcome back!’the chat had been neglected again until I asked to meet up here. Possibly also my fault, since I couldn’t muster up the energy to ask him how his trip had gone.
Instead, my mind circles back to the party and its aftermath if I don't constantly rein it in. Most often, after walking past the door to Olli’s room, which is empty now. Sometimes it also sneaks up on me when I’m driving to the shelter, passing along the lakeside that glimmers peacefully in the sun.
And on top of that, I'm working on meeting an entirely different deadline I've set myself, thinking about whether or not I could possibly date Micah in secret.
With all of that, it’s been hard to consider someone’s vacation in Europe. Especially since I have at least made up my mind about this. There's not even a glimmer of doubt in my mind that for me, there's no future that includes Colin as a partner. In truth, I haven't even missed him or his texts. I feel cold and insensitive thinking about it, let alone texting it to him. No, that’s an in-person talk topic, which is why I'm here.
“Well then, let’s talk.” Colin heaves a sigh, leaning forward onto the table with both arms. “Europe was great, by the way.”
“Good, I’m glad you had fun.” I nod. “I was at my parents’ farm, helping out with the cherry harvest.”
“Oh.” Colin tilts his head. “Does that mean you didn’t get to take care of your problem?”
I blink at him a few times, then snort when I figure that my “problem” was being a virgin. What an elegant way to change the topic to what I was hoping to avoid for another minute, until I had laid out some words in my head.
“No, don’t worry, I, uhm, definitely got a lot—” I cut myself off when I realize how it sounds. My face grows warm, and I very carefully keep my thoughts away from anything Micah-related.
“Okay, listen, I know you wanted me to…” I lower my voice, looking left and right, but no one cares about our conversation.Warmth trails up my neck and settles in my cheeks and ears, but I continue talking. “Save my first time for you, but I, uhm…I met someone.”
“...duh, that was the whole point, wasn't it?” Colin gestures vaguely. “Did you…make some good memories?”
“…yes.” I can't help but smile at the tentative flutter in my stomach, then quickly clear my throat to get back on track. “We, uh, we didn't just experiment, though. I slept with him.”
“Wow. From virgin to—” Thankfully, he cuts himself off when the waitress comes hurrying over, her curls bouncing in time with her steps.
“I’m so sorry for the wait. What can I get you?”
I throw her a reassuring smile, hoping it doesn’t betray my discomfort. “No worries, two ginger lemonades, please.”
“Coming right up!” she throws Colin, who’s chewing on his lip and refuses to answer, a curious glance, but then bustles away.
