I bite my tongue hard at that. This would have been my absolute dream at the start of the season—being able to hide away from everyone and everything to wallow in my own misery. Now the prospect fills me with dread. I was looking forward to a cooked meal by Micah—because heaven forbid someone orders pizza in his presence—and Oliver reading to us from his awfulbooks while I iced my overworked body. I debate calling them, but they probably thought they were doing me a solid, since Xander has become a regular visitor at our place. Explaining his absence is definitely not a conversation I’m looking forward to.
I take the longest route back from campus, deliberately going under the speed limit.
Our driveway is empty, but my brother’s car is parked in front of the house. A wave of relief washes over me at the sight of a dark figure leaning against it.
I won’t have to be alone tonight.
I close the door with a soft thud, careful not to wake any of our neighbors. It’s past midnight by now, the cool air softly grazing over my face. Spring has kept everyone waiting this year, but it’s finally chasing off the freezing temperatures I prefer.
“Hey, what do you think about pizza?” I call out as I make my way over to Nate’s car, my hockey bag slung over one shoulder. I have already pulled up DoorDash when the sound of an unexpected voice gives me pause.
“Nicko,” Xander murmurs, and my head snaps up. For a moment I think I’ve made this up in my brain, but when I close my eyes, then open them again, he’s still standing there, next to Nate’s car.
“What are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you. Please, hear me out. If you don’t want me here afterward, I’ll leave.”
I take a deep breath, my eyes roaming over Xander’s appearance. His black hair is disheveled, as if he raked his fingers through it too many times, the zipper of his jacket pulled up only halfway. Underneath, I recognize the worn sweater from our first date.
“Okay,” I tell him, and he lets out a shattered breath.
“I know this thing between us was meant to be temporary, but–” he breaks off mid-sentence, taking a step toward me. “But.Fuck. I don’t know when or how this happened and believe me, I’ve stayed awake and picked my brain apart over it…”
My heart trips over its next beat, because I know exactly where this is going. There’s a treacherous tingle in my stomach.
“The morning run.”
“What?”
I bite back a laugh at the confusion in his voice. My fingers tremble when I finally stuff my cell into the side pocket of my duffel bag.
“The first morning run we took together. When I fell on my bad knee and you helped me inside? That’s when it happened for me,” I explain. It’s the one time I’ll be willing to admit this—here in the dark, tired and beaten.
Xander stays quiet for a moment, then huffs out a laugh. “And here I was hoping it was when you snuck a look at my dick.”
I snort at that. “Keep dreaming, Hart.”
“Actually, this would be the perfect time to call meThe Great.”
“Pff,” I huff and shake my head at him, but my lips are already curling into a smile. Total idiot.
There’s another moment of silence, the air shifting around us as the humor slowly fades away.
“Nicko, I–” he starts, and I hold up my hand. It’s still trembling.
“Don’t say it, Xan.” There’s no force behind my words, just a pathetic plea, as I can already feel a lump forming in my throat again.
“Why not?”
“Because if you say it now, I’ll fucking cry. And I hate crying.”
“Being loved makes you cry?”
“Shit, I told you not to say it!” I curse, leaning my head back to rapidly blink up at the dark sky. There’s not a single star visible above us.
“But I have to, Nicko. I have to make sure that if you walk away from me, you at least know how utterly, stupidly in love I am with you.”
Oh God. I suddenly feel lightheaded. There’s not enough air in my lungs. My heart goes crazy in my chest, bumping around like an out-of-control rebound.
