I’m glad he didn’t call my bluff that night, but things have changed now. I can’t get the memory of him fingering me out of my head. Every time I jerk off to it I keep coming up with an alternative ending. One where I come from him pounding into me. I’ve carried the desire inside me, refusing to openly acknowledge it, until he came on to me in the elevator.
“Because we have a game tomorrow! Don’t you think that’s bad timing for exploring new sexual desires?”
I frown at his argument. “No better way to distract ourselves.”
“True, but I don’t want to hurry an experience like tha–”
“With Nate in the spa you definitely don’t need to hurry, trust me.”
“We’re in a hotel room! Wouldn’t you want to be somewhere familiar?”
“Nope, I definitely prefer this over having my roommates downstairs.”
“You’re impossible,” Xander sighs as he rakes a hand through his hair, making the black strands stand up.
“So you don’t want it,” I observe. The bravado I felt a moment ago has dissolved. I expected to be on his mattress by now, with his hands and mouth all over me. I definitely didn’t think he would be the one to jam on the brakes.
“No! Nicko, that’s not...I do want this!” Xander grabs my face with both his hands. I turn my head to the side in a wave of stubbornness, but finally give in and let him tip my chin up. “I’ve wanted this since Christmas. I just can’t believe you’re dangling it in front of me now of all times!”
“I’m notdanglingit,” I huff. “Why are we not on the bed already if we agree on what we want?”
“Because we have an important game tomorrow, one that could influence both of our careers. And if you lose it because you’re sore from your first time bottoming, I will never hear the end of it!”
I blink at his words, then burst into laughter when they settle in. It’s not even that funny, but once the knot in my chest loosens, I can’t stop.
“I’m serious, Nicko!” Xander complains, but I can hear the smile in his words as he drops his hands from my face to wrap them around me instead. He holds me patiently while I snicker against his shoulder.
“I promise that won’t happen,” I tell him when I look up again. I feel like I threw off a heavy book bag on the last school day before summer break. Light and free. “Because I’m not going to lose tomorrow’s game.”
“Oh, of course, how silly of me,” he snorts, his grip tightening around me. We stand like that for a moment, in a silent embrace, our bodies pressed together so closely that I can feel his heartbeat against my own chest.
I tilt my head to press a soft kiss to his neck, my lips trailing to the spot behind his ear next, then nipping at the lobe.
Xander’s breath stutters, his hands starting to stroke over my back, his fingers finding their way under my shirt.
“Nicko,” he whispers, his hoarse voice giving my name an entirely new sound. “Are you sure? We can do something else and keep this for another day.”
“Another day?” I echo.
There won’t be another day. One of us will advance tomorrow while the other will be faced with the end of the season. We both agreed this wouldn’t continue past that date. There’s just no way this—whatever this is—will work if I end up in another league. Or on another continent.
“There could be another day,” Xander insists, as if he’s reading my mind. “It’s our decision.”
“It’s our decision,” I repeat, but I also bite the inside of my cheek against the hope blooming in my chest. This was never meant to develop into a long-term arrangement.
It can’t be.
Not when he jets all over the country, and I’m left behind. I already know that I won’t give up hockey should the Rebels let me go. I can’t. There’s no other dream I want to chase.
I will play.
If not here, then I will find another place. I will play until they have to carry me off the ice because some defenseman blew my knee to smithereens. I know it’s all kinds of stupid and unhealthy, but whenever I circle back to Professor Fiore’s question, this is the only answer I have: hockey.
I want hockey. Big hockey. I want hockey in arenas, under floodlights. I want the crowd, the cheers, the booing. I want the high stakes, the adrenaline. I want all of it.
The problem is, I want Xander to be there for it. I want him to score on my passes and to celebrate my goals with him. I want to compete with him over points and lift cups together.
How would we fitusbetween all ofthat?
