I’d been encouraged to attend NA meetings during those rehab days, but it had been a lot of years since I considered returning to the program. “I’m not… comfortable talking in front of people, and I… Well, it will come as no surprise that I have anger issues, so…”
“So? We all have issues, Krause. We all have triggers. Things that threaten to pull us under and want to keep us there. I won’t lie to you. This shit will never go away, so don’t expect to be miraculously cured.”
“I know.”
“But, once you learn usable skills, it does get more manageable with time. That, I can attest to. It is possible to live a sober life without feeling like a weight is crushing you all the time. To be honest, I don’t know you very well. I don’t know your story, and you don’t know mine, but what I do know is that you have a track record for treating people like shit.”
“Yeah.”
“If you’re an asshole to me, you’re on your own.”
It was only fair. Doyle was right, and if I was serious, I would need to learn to rein in the attitude. I hadn’t worked for the department in years. I wasn’t the same person I had been back then. Years of therapy had helped, but he wouldn’t know that.
“Deal.”
“To be clear, I am not responsible for your sobriety. You are. But I can offer my support, my encouragement, and I can help you work the program. I can be your sponsor, if you want. We may not click. I can attend meetings with you or answer the phone if you’re having a bad day and need to chat. You might find someone better, but ultimately, you have to want this, or it will never happen. The program works if you work it.”
“I want it.”
“Whydo you want it?”
I frowned. “I don’t understand.”
Wasn’t it obvious?
“The why is important too. Don’t answer me, but ask yourself, are you doing this for you or for someone else?”
For Tallus, I thought.
Then Aslan continued, and I felt an inch tall. “Because it has to be for you, Diem.Youhave to be the driving force behind your sobriety, or it won’t work. Do you know the first step in AA?”
Everyone did, didn’t they? It was the same variation as NA or any other twelve-step program. “Yeah. I am powerless over alcohol.”
He waited a beat, then added, “And my life has become unmanageable. Do you believe that?”
“Yes.”
“Do you, or are you just saying it to make me happy?”
“I believe it,” I said with more conviction.
“Say it if you believe it.”
“I am powerless over alcohol, and my life has become unmanageable.”
“Again.”
“I’m powerless over alcohol, and my life has become unmanageable.”
“There you go. Recovery starts when you decide to stop drinking. Cigarettes are not my wheelhouse, and from what I’ve seen, they don’t advise cutting out both at once.”
My doctor had told me the same, but I’d never listened. I’d always thrown myself in the deep end, convinced I could quit both together. And I’d failed every time, so maybe there was truth in his statement.
“Tell you what,” Doyle said, “There’s a meeting I like to attend on Wednesday afternoons at one thirty. It’s secular and inclusive. Not that others aren’t inclusive, but this one is tailored to the rainbow crowd. I feel more at home there than at some of the other ones. You might too. If you can skip out of work for a couple of hours, how about we meet for lunch at noon? We can chat a bit and go together. You don’t have to speak at meetings if you don’t want to. Although I encourage it once you’re more comfortable. What do you say?”
I glanced along the wet street in both directions, then into the golden eyes of my support dog. “Let’s do it.”
7
