My brain was already starting to piece together the maybes and what-ifs.Flynn challenging his boyfriend over the infidelity they’d not negotiated; William outraged, whipped up into a furious rage.And then my name - or perhaps not, maybe just the threat of someone, anyone, who knew the truth - and things escalating from there.Destruction, when denial no longer worked.
“He left?”
Flynn nodded.“Apparently I’m toxic, emotionally stunted, and manipulative.Oh, and no fun.”He shrugged.“Turns out I could’ve saved all that money I spent on therapy, and just got a diagnosis at home.”
I winced.“I’m sorry.”
He frowned at me.“Why are you here, Oli?Surely not because of some random snippet of an argument, between two people you barely know?”
“I know you.”The protest sounded ridiculous, even to my own ears.Sullen, like I’d just been told I was out of my depth.
Flynn sighed.“Anyway, I guess you can say ‘I told you so,’ now.”
“Do you really think that’s what I came all the way back to do?”
He lifted the glass, as if to drink, and then changed his mind.Cradled it between his thighs, staring off through the window.
“I think,” Flynn said, his voice very soft, “that I’m a truly terrible judge of character.Absolutely godawful at it.So you might need to take pity on me, just this once, and fill in the gaps yourself.”
“I came back because I was worried.”
He nodded, slowly.As if he’d lost the ability to think at his usual speed; each word requiring its own, individual processing, before he could piece together the meaning as a whole.“I thought you didn’t like me,” he said, finally.
It wasn’t clear if it was a statement or a question.
“For a long time, I didn’t.”The truth could be caustic, but it could also be easier.At least you didn’t need to think about keeping your story straight.“I resented you, so fucking much.”
Flynn snorted, then gestured around the upended room.“So much to envy, here, Oli.I’m living the fucking dream.”
I shrugged.This was meant to be about him, about his argument with William and the fallout from that, but it seemed like nobody in the vicinity was going to escape the paring knife.Maybe that was only right, given I’d been the one who’d made the first cut.
“You got away,” I explained.“It wasn’t about you being gay as well.I didn’t even know that part until the holidays.It just felt like one of those movies, where the timeline splits and two people go in two different directions.And you got to escape.”
“You already know my life isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.”
I chuckled, thinking about all the times Flynn’s parents had humble-bragged about their successful son and his fantastic prospects.“Your mom made a damn good cheerleader.She never shared the downsides to it all.”
He grunted.“She doesn’t know the downsides, that’s why.”
“What, exactly, does she know?”
Sighing, he set the glass down.“That I have a job, and a nice apartment, and very little time to come and see them any more.”A shrug.“It’s easier to keep the good news coming when you’re doing it over the phone.”
“But not about William.”
“Definitely not about William,” he said, laughing coldly.“I’m afraid I’m a coward, when it comes to being open with them about that stuff.”
“You and me both.”
I pulled out a stool and sat down next to him.Somehow, both of us being cowards made life easier.Even if I couldn’t say exactly why.
“I think I’ve spent a long time hating someone who isn’t actually you.”It was the sort of confession that comes easier when you’re not looking at the person.When you can stare out of the window of their messed-up apartment, and pretend there’s nobody in the room watching.“Like, I had this idea of you.This successful guy, happy, smug...making his parents so damn proud.I built you up to be this person I could never compete with.”
“Who said you needed to compete?”Flynn sounded genuinely curious.
“Oh, only myself,” I said, with a chuckle.“It was an entirely self-imposed benchmark.”
He laughed, too.“Aren’t they the best kind.”
