Panting, still dripping on the tiles, I waited for the coffee machine to brew and wondered just how much pain I’d be in the rest of the day.Looking down, to where the grey suit clung to my waist like a second-skin, I couldn’t help but imagine Kai’s hands gripping there equally tightly.The feeling of his lips, sliding across me.
Part of me still wanted the distance.Was clinging, desperately, to the idea of an independence that - though forced upon me by circumstances I might never have expected or chosen - was still somehow comforting.The alternative, to allow myself to become attached to someone else, seemed rash and perhaps even a little desperate.
If I was being completely honest with myself, too, the way my feelings were developing was proving to be unsettling as well.Lust, I could handle, could understand.Kai was hot - it was only natural that my body would react to that.
Catching feelings for him, though, that was more dangerous territory.The sort of territory that had got me into more than a decade of commitment, and then which had left me bereft and floundering when that same commitment had faded away.The only version of “self care” I knew right now was abstinence, from emotions if not from sex.
The big question was whether I could convince my body to follow my brain.Make sure whatever was happening between Kai and I remained physical, and nothing more.
#
There’s an old mindgame, where you tell someone not to think of an elephant and then they find that there’s no way to avoid doing that.Turns out, the same pretty much holds true when it comes to avoiding thinking about cute guys.
I tried to throw myself into work: turned my phone onto silent, opened up the most challenging, time- and attention-consuming project on my computer, and attempted to bury my misbehaving imagination in the reality of the 9-5 grind.Did my very best to isolate myself from every possible distraction.
It didn’t work.
Thoughts of Kai simply bubbled up in-between.I’d find myself zoning out, my eyes losing focus on the words on the screen, and then my imagination would take over.Kai doing lengths in the pool, or Kai’s hands gently supporting my body as I floated in the water, or Kai on his knees, my cock buried in his throat as he stared up at me with lust-filled eyes.I even considered sneaking off to the restroom and jerking off, simply to dull the edge of it, but the thought of getting caught doing so in the office was just sufficient to dissuade me.
And so I sat there, body simmering, trying and failing to be a conscientious employee and not a fool in lust.It was a relief, when his name lit up on my phone, that I could stop kidding myself there was any hope I might succeed at that.
“What time do you think you’ll be back tonight?”his message asked.“Wanna hang out?”
I couldn’t help but smile.It seemed a pretty childish way to look at things, but the fact that Kai had been the one to reach out to me first - not the other way around - felt like a small victory of some sort.
“Maybe 7?”I tapped out my reply.“Want to come over?”
I only had to wait seconds for him.“I’m not saying my parents are driving me crazy, but I might be waiting on your step at 7.”
I chuckled, then glanced around to see if any of my colleagues had heard me.Explaining why I was grinning seemed like the perfect way to ruin a suddenly good mood.
Paradoxically, with the knowledge that I was indeed going to see Kai later, I actually found it was a whole lot easier to focus that afternoon.Not that I got excellent work done, but it certainly wasn’t like pulling teeth, as it had been before his texts.
All the same, by the time I was walking out the door and over to the parking garage, my palms were itching with anticipation.
#
Just gone 7:30pm and- traffic thoroughly cursed at - I pulled up outside the house.Eyes searching the front step to see if Kai had been serious or just joking around; I figured the latter, since there was no sign of him.I considered sending him a message that I was home, but that felt a little too desperate.
It was a moot point anyway, I realized, as I walked into the lounge and looked out of the patio doors.Kai was sprawled on one of the chairs on the deck; arms behind his head, ankles casually crossed.His attention seemingly taken by the way the dusk light had begun to flood the city below us, blanketing its contours like something thick and tangible.
For a moment - just a minute or so - I allowed myself to watch him.Reveling in the rare pleasure of being able to observe without being observed in turn.The way his chest slowly rose and fell with each slow breath.
He turned to look in through the glass when I switched the kitchen lights on, the warm glow spilling out across the pool.Gave me an almost shy smile, suddenly looking younger than his years.
I pulled open the door.“This is a nice discovery,” I said, and meant it.Enjoyed the way Kai’s grin spread a little broader at hearing it.“Though I’m surprised you’re not in the water already.”
He shrugged.“I wanted to wait for you.”
I found myself reaching a hand out to touch his face; turned it, at the last moment, into a faltering brush through the unruly hair falling down across his forehead.For a split-second I felt flushed with an almost exquisite embarrassment.
“Do I get to have a drink first?”
He shook his head, mock-dismayed.“What happened to all the good intentions to do more swimming?”
I felt like my smug smile was warranted.“Oh, I got up early to do that.”
His eyebrow shot up.“You did?”
