Seeing was believing, and she wouldn’t believe they had Mills in custody until she saw it.
We’re getting close, Emma.I just hope this is it.
***
Howard Mills breathed quickly over and over, his heart racing as he crept toward the window.It was dark outside, and even darker in the warehouse, so he knew they couldn’t see him at the window, but he still didn't dare look or stand up fully.He slept over to the empty frame and stood up just enough to see out.
The flash of a beam across the ground wasn’t lifted at all, but he still sprang back as if he’d been spotted.He fell to the ground and turned to press his back to the cold concrete, gasping for air.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.It was never supposed to end like this.He wasn’t supposed to be caught, but they’d somehow found him.Not at the warehouse, that didn't matter now, but at his home.He’d lived his life for over twenty years, doing everything properly, and they still found him.He didn't understand it, and it angered and frustrated him more than anything else could.
Howard beat the side of his head with his free hand, dislodging the tears in his eyes.He slumped forward and wept.He didn't weep for the women he’d killed or the people he’d deceived but for himself.He hadn’t considered himself selfish, but he knew now that he was.
All he wanted was to live as a free man, but that wasn’t possible now.
"Why did they come to the house!"he hissed."If they had just left me alone, none of this would be happening."
Howard looked down at the hand that gripped the gun.He’d never owned a gun before.Not until a week ago, when he’d managed to find a place that would sell him one without the proper ID and checks.He didn't know why he’d bought the gun until now.He didn't know many things until now.
He’d run to the warehouse, hoping they wouldn’t follow, but those dogs!Those damn dogs!
As soon as he’d entered, not fifteen minutes ago, it felt like he’d stored all of his feelings and emotions in the warehouse, all of his memories in the darkness.It wasn’t until fifteen minutes ago that he began thinking about the life he’d lived.
There wasn’t any thought before about why he killed the women.He could still remember each one, how they looked, how they smelled, what they said right before they died, and the same feeling that had come to him after each one.It had been a relief.It was something he’d needed to do, and as soon as it was done, he was satiated for a time.
Five years.
It had always been five years before the urge came again, and it felt as normal as being hungry or thirsty.The feeling appeared, and he knew what he needed to do to satisfy the urge.He only had to kill someone, and he could continue living his life.That had been the cycle for the past twenty-two years.
As he sat against the wall beneath the window on the upper floor of the warehouse, waiting for them to enter, he finally had clarity.He saw the truth that had always been there, standing in the corner, waiting to be acknowledged.
It was about power.
He had no power in his life.Not that he ever really craved some grand power over people.He had a good life, a dutiful wife who loved him and whom he loved in return.He had his own house, a car, and a good job with security.They’d had two beautiful children, and they’d grown into fine people.
It had never been enough.His job in security and locksmithing gave the illusion of power and a modicum of respect, but it was only an illusion.As soon as he took off the uniform, he was no one.Even to his wife, he was a regular guy.It had always been the best way to describe him—he was perfectly average.
The lack of power had always bubbled below the surface, and there had been no way to achieve real power in his daily life, so he had exerted the ultimate power over another.He had ended their life.When he looked back at his very first victim, and then at the subsequent ones, he now understood how much he enjoyed it.Even as he sat in the warehouse and waited for the end, he wouldn’t change a thing.
Howard had done something real with his life, and not many could claim that.
His chest heaved as his berating became more frantic, and the tears clouded his vision.He brought the gun up and stuck it into his mouth, whimpering.He tried to steady his breath as the tears flowed.He removed the gun quickly and stuck the barrel under his chin.He held his breath and closed his eyes tightly.
"Go!Go!Go!"the shouts came from down below.
Howard gritted his teeth, his jaw aching.His finger trembled on the trigger.He willed himself to do it, to become the final victim, but it was impossible.He had no problem ending the life of another, but he couldn’t take his own.Some invisible force wouldn’t let him.
"My life as a free man is over, but my life isn’t over."
Harold stood up, panting.He looked out the window to see a single beam of light down below.He heard the footsteps thundering through the lower level.Unintelligible shouts came from down below.
Howard wiped away the tears from his eyes and beat the side of his head again.
"Get it together!"he hissed."Get it the heck together."
As soon as he uttered the words, he felt fright inside.If he was getting it together, what was he getting it together for?What was his exit plan?
Howard grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and pulled it up to fully wipe his eyes.When he could see clearly, he looked out of the window toward the ground.It looked high, but he was only one floor up.He didn’t want to poke his head out of the window in case he was spotted.He didn't know if they had snipers or people still in the trees, or how many of them there were.He only knew there was one person outside.
