Quinn walked me home again. She says she doesn't like the bus, but I don't think that's true. I think she knows I'm scared to walk alone since what happened two days ago, when I was pushed to the ground by one of the boys and he touched me under my skirt when I didn’t want him to. I managed to get him off of me and run home. I didn't tell anyone about that. I don't know how she knows.
She talked the whole way, about a book, about something funny Caden said, about a film she watched. She didn't ask me anything. She just talked and I listened and by the time we reached my door I realized I'd been breathing normally for forty minutes and I hadn’t been scared or looked behind me.
I don't think I've breathed normally in months, I can’t remember the last time I walked anywhere without looking behind me.
14th May
Quinn told Mary Callahan to leave me alone today, in front of everyone.
Mary said that Quinn was a nobody and that she was a bitch who wanted her sister’s life. Everyone laughed at Mary’s words, and I wanted to die standing there. I couldn’t believe that Quinn was sticking up for me and that she was getting hate for doing so.
Quinn just laughed at her and told her at least she had a brain and didn’t copy everything that Daire did or said. That she knew how to behave like a human being. She stared at Mary until Mary walked away.
I wish I had the courage to stand up to these bullies, but I don’t, I never have. I’m too afraid of what’ll happen to my dad if I did. What would Ronan do to him if I pushed back against Daire?
Later on when we were alone, I asked Quinn if she was okay. She looked shocked that I asked. It was like she’d never been asked that before and now I’m wondering if things are as bad in the Delaney house for Quinn as they are for me at school?
23rd May
Quinn had a bruise on her cheek. It’s ugly, blue and purple. It’s caused her eye to swell up and she looks like she’s in pain. I asked her what happened and she told me she walked into the door.
I know she didn't. I think standing up for me is the reason she’s hurt. I know someone hurt her. I just know it, but I’m not sure who? Daire maybe?
I wanted to ask but I couldn't find the words.
I feel so guilty. She shouldn't have to get hurt for being kind to me. Nobody should have to get hurt for being kind to me. I don't understand why being near me makes people a target.
I don't understand what I am that ruins everything I touch.
The room is completely silent.
I set the journal down and look at the table, not seeing anything, just staring blankly at the wood as I replay everything that I’ve just read. Christ, what the fuck happened to Quinn? There’s no fucking way that she walked into the door.
She got hurt because she helped Orla. She got hurt for being the only person who tried. Then, years later, I sat across a table from her and told her she was responsible for Orla's death.
I press my palms flat against the table as I pull in a sharp breath.
Daithí glares at me as he reaches across and takes the journal back. He turns to the final section and starts to read.
7th October
I don't have anyone left.
Quinn tried, I know she tried. I pushed her away because Daire said things about her. She told me that Quinn is manipulating me, that she’s twisting things and telling me lies while getting everyone to hate me. That Daire tried to stop her but Quinn hates her for doing so.
I was so stupid, I believed her because I wanted to believe that Daire was still my friend and if Daire was my friend then the problem had to be Quinn.
I know that's not true, but I don't know how to take it back. I don't know how to say I'm sorry. I don't know how to say anything to anyone anymore.
I don't leave my room much and of course my Dad doesn't notice.
Mom does but Dad tells her she’s overreacting and to leave me be.
He doesn’t seem to care about me. I wish he would.
19th October
I went to find Dad today.
