I sit there, and think about Mayhem saying, "tell him" and Ella's hand that I can't hold, and my father calling me soft on a podcast, and the bomb I'm building that gets bigger every day.
I should tell Rookie tonight. Right now, while we’re all here. "Hey, man, I need to tell you something about me and your sister."
The words are right there.
Instead, I say, "Nice pass," and Rookie nods, and the moment dies. The woman I love says nothing, eventually closing the laptop and wandering off to my bed alone while her brother—my best friend—has no idea that everything he thinks he knows about his life is wrong.
Chapter 19
Ella
I wasn’t really expecting to sleep before my boards. I tried studying all night, but my thoughts kept drifting to Bernard and his struggle with his dad’s shitty attitude.
I had a brief revelation that his father’s behavior sounds similar to CTE case studies I’ve read, but that seems like a conversation above my pay grade. Which is really low.
I drag myself out of bed before dawn on Leap Day, shower, and toss on a sweatsuit I’d never wear in public. But a life-determining test doesn’t count as public.
I tiptoe out of the bedroom expecting a dark living room and sleeping sex tutor, but instead I find the stove light on and Bernard awake, dressed, standing at the counter with two steaming mugs of coffee.
"Morning," he says, sliding a mug toward me.
I know that today is his day to sleep in, that he and my brother have game film and a light workout, but no other team responsibilities. So why is Bernard Houser up hours before he needs to be? “You didn't have to get up."
"I know."
I wrap my hands around the mug and let the heat seep into my fingers. Jason's door is closed. The apartment is silent except for the refrigerator and the faint sounds of the building elevator.
Bernard leans against the counter across from me. “I figure, I must be a pretty good tutor since you aced the sex stuff.”
My jaw drops, and I smack his arm. “Quiet. What are you trying to do?”
He rolls his eyes. “I just meant, I knew you’d be nervous about your test, and I wanted to tell you what I do before games. Prep tutoring.”
My heart rate slows infinitesimally. “If it involves a special jockstrap, I don't want to know."
He smiles, the warmth of his energy soothing me. "I close my eyes, and I picture the ice. Not the game — just the ice. The feel of it under my skates. The cold air. The sound of a clean pass hitting tape." He taps the counter. "I don't think about winning or losing. I just put myself in a place where I know what I'm doing. Where my body takes over, and my brain gets out of the way."
I stare at him. My body certainly excels when he is what I’m doing. But my brain has never cooperated that way. Ever.
Bernard leans closer, though. “You know what you're doing, Ella. Your body knows this stuff. Just let it take over."
My eyes sting. I blink it away and take a sip of coffee that burns my tongue. "That's actually good advice."
"I have my moments."
My phone buzzes on the counter. Then again. Then three times in rapid succession.
McKenzie
YOU'VE GOT THIS, QUEEN Remember: the answer is always assess before you intervene
Aarthi
Ella Rujkowski, you are smarter than any test. I believe in you. Also, my mother wants to know if you're single. Ignore that part.
McKenzie
Wait, Aarthi's mom wants to set Ella up??
