‘And we can be. Wewillbe, right? We just have to allow ourselves to be,’ I say, hoping Ma gets the message I’m trying to send without me having to say the words.
‘I will try,’ she says eventually.
‘That’s all I want you to do.’ I let myself lean against Ma’s chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart, when I realise I still have something to confess. ‘While we’re still admitting things, there’s one more thing I need to tell you.’
I look up at Ma.
‘I didn’t just take the job at Eternally Yours out of the kindness of my heart.’
‘Then why did you?’
I inhale deeply, feeling like I’m about to throw up. ‘I took it because I felt guilty at the idea of leaving you behind when I head off to uni. I thought .?.?. if I could at least get you on Sadia’s list, then you could meet somebody and maybe not be so lonely when I’m away in Edinburgh.’ A flush creeps across my cheeks. ‘Saying it out loud now, I realise that it sounds stupid and selfish –’
‘Poppy,’ Ma says gently with a smile. ‘The last thing you are is selfish.’
‘But I was essentially just pawning you off to Sadia rather than admitting that I didn’t want to stay in Bristol.’
‘I don’t want you to stay here, beta.’
‘Wow, thanks, Ma,’ I scoff.
‘Poppy, you’ve always talked about Edinburgh. Even before your dad passed away, it’s where you wanted to go. Me being on my own now doesn’t change that. I’m not going to hold you back from your dreams.’
‘But you’d be all by yourself,’ I say, guilt wrapping around me.
‘And I will manage,’ Ma reassures. ‘You don’t owe me your life, Poppy. That’s not how family works.’
It’s similar to what Salman said when we were waiting for Akash and Samira.
‘So you’re not mad at me then?’
Ma laughs. ‘No, I’m not mad at you, Poppy. If anything, I feel lucky to have a daughter so caring, she would take a job for thesole purpose of helping me move on when she could have lazed around the house all summer.’
I let out a huge breath. ‘Thank you, Ma.’
‘Save it for after we’ve talked to Salman’s parents.’ Ma envelops me in a hug, the warmth of her touch almost enough to make me cry, and kisses my forehead. ‘Facing Hira after so long is going to be scary. Just thinking about it makes me anxious, but knowing I have my brave daughter at my side makes it easier.’
29
‘It’ll be fine,’ I tell myself as I stare at the familiar blue door in front of us.
‘But it’s OK if it’s not. You need to be prepared for it going sideways.’
Ma’s been doing a lot of that today. She’s here and willing to let bygones be bygones, but she’s super fixated on how this could all be a wasted effort. ‘And if it’s not OK,’ she adds, giving my hand a squeeze of reassurance, ‘we will work out a way to move forward. However that looks.’
I swallow and nod. ‘Let’s do this.’
With every step I take, it’s like I’m watching my body from afar. For the longest time, I was unable to imagine a reality where I would be back here, and now that I am, I feel as if I’m not even here at all.
Ma rings the bell. Within seconds, as if he’s been watching from the window, Salman appears at the door.
‘Auntie, Poppy, hello,’ he says, his tone formal and cracking with nerves.
‘Hello, Salman, may we come in?’ Ma asks, matching him.
‘Salman, who is that?’ Auntie bellows from inside the house, immediately causing Ma’s back to stiffen. I’ve been wrecked with anxiety, but I think Ma’s felt it more.
‘Come in,’ Salman tells us.
