And I couldn’t tell him.
The realization sat heavy in my chest, pressing down until I could barely breathe. I thought about all those months ago when I’d written that list—angry and hurt and determined to prove Chris wrong. I’d told myself it was about confidence. About taking control of my own sexuality. About proving I wasn’t boring.
But completing the list hadn’t made me brave. Not really. Because here I was, lying in the arms of the man I loved, and I couldn’t open my mouth and say the words.
I love you.
Three syllables. Eight letters. The easiest sentence in the world, and I couldn’t force it past my lips.
Because what if I was wrong? What if I really had imagined those words on the ice, heard what I desperately wanted to hear instead of what he’d actually said? What if I told him the truth and watched his face shift into that gentle, apologetic expression—the one that saidI care about you, but not like that?
Liam shifted behind me, pulling me closer, and I squeezed my eyes shut against the tears threatening to fall.
This was what I did. What I’d always done. I made myself small. I tucked my feelings away where they couldn’tbother anyone. I smiled and said everything was fine and pretended I wasn’t dying inside because that was easier than risking rejection.
The bucket list was supposed to change that. It was supposed to teach me to want things out loud, to stop editing myself, to believe that my desires weren’t shameful or excessive.
But here I was, at the end of it all, and I was still the same girl who’d rather swallow her own heart than risk having it handed back to her in pieces.
“You sure you’re okay?” Liam’s voice was soft against my ear, rough with something I couldn’t identify.
“Yeah.” The word came out steadier than I felt. “Just really tired. It’s been a crazy day.”
“Tell me about it.” He pressed a kiss to my shoulder—so casual, so tender, and so much more devastating than he probably knew. “Try to get some sleep, okay? We can talk tomorrow.”
Tomorrow. When he’d probably give me some version of the “this was fun but we both knew it wasn’t going to last” speech. When he’d assure me that nothing had to change between us, that we could still be friends, that this didn’t have to be weird.
And I’d smile and nod and tell him I understood completely.
Because that’s what I did. That’s who I was. I was the low-maintenance girl who never asked for more than people wanted to give.
“Goodnight, Li,” I whispered.
“Night, Sunshine.”
The nickname wrapped around me like a knife. I’d always loved when he called me that—loved the way it made me feel special, like I was something bright in hisworld. But now it just reminded me of everything I was about to lose.
I lay there in the dark, listening to his breathing even out as he drifted off to sleep. His arm stayed wrapped around me, warm and solid and achingly perfect.
And I let myself have this one last night.
Tomorrow, I’d start the process of putting myself back together. Tomorrow, I’d smile and pretend and bury everything I felt so deep that no one would ever know how badly this had broken me.
But tonight—just for tonight—I’d let myself love him.
Even if I could never tell him.
Even if he’d never know.
FORTY
Ava was still asleep when I woke up. She looked so peaceful—more peaceful than she’d seemed all night. I’d felt her tension the moment I’d shown up at her door, rain-soaked and desperate to finally say the words I’d been choking on for far longer than I cared to admit.
I love you.
I’d shouted it on the ice like a goddamn idiot. In front of everyone. In front of her brother, who’d just punched me in the face. And then I’d come here, kissed her in the rain, and I don’t know what I’d expected but it wasn’t what I’d gotten.
She’d been quiet and distant, especially after our kiss in the rain.
