“No, but if that’s the effect it has on you, then I’ll keep it in mind,” I say with a grin.
This girl has a very direct way of talking right to my fucking dick, and I have to force my brain back on topic to keep from showing her up close what she’s doing to me. I make the most of the cover provided by the table and get our conversation back on track.
“Are you telling me you tried to repair things with your dad last season? When you were working on your thesis and asked to come out here?”
“Seemed like a viable and efficient approach. Two birds, one stone. He didn’t see the benefit at the time.” She shrugs. “Like I said, sometimes people need convincing to spend time with me. Sometimes I have to show them it’ll be worth their while first.”
“Worth their—? Excuse me for a minute.” I get up from the table and walk outside to let the crisp morning air shock my lungs. I’m feeling too much for this girl. She’s literally trying to buy her daddy’s love with gold, and I want to kick Hawk square in the balls right now for making her think that’s necessary.
I take a deep, burning-cold breath and head back inside.
“Sorry about that. I had a… thing.” I gesture vaguely at my chest. “I’m okay,” I assure her when her eyes become round and concerned. “I hope we’re not done talking. I’d really like to understand how time with Hawk makes you feel, and how you’dlikeit to feel — and I also want to know about the rest of your family. If that’s okay?”
Lana nods slowly. “Will you tell me about yours too?”
“Of course. If you want to hear about it. But the awkward reality we’re caught up in means your story’s way more important right now.” I glance at my watch and gesture for her to continue.
“I’ll go quickly so it’s done before they show up,” she assures me before taking back the last gulp of her coffee.
“I didn’t mean to rush you.” I rub my head and exhale in a long, consistent way to calm myself. “I’m being impatient, aren’t I? We have all season.”
“It’s fine. Fast and dirty definitely has a place in my wheelhouse.”
She continues before I can comment on that, but her eyes flash at me with a certain something that makes it hard to keepher clothed in my imagination. The desire to strip her naked in real life rapidly intensifies, and I sit on my hands until the urge passes.
“In total, Dad has spent less than four years of my life getting to know me — and I lived with him for the first three and a half of those. I didn’t grow into the daughter he expected, and I disappoint him to a degree where I suspect he’s uncomfortable to learn more. I’d like him to be proud of me, I guess. Or just… have him enjoy my company and want me around. He’s family, and I’d like to feel as if I belong somewhere. If not here, then somewherenearhere? Maybe. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”
My beard’s all scratchy, and my throat has grown so thick-feeling that I have to clear it before I respond. “I’m familiar with that sensation. You don’t need to explain it.”
Lana tilts her head as she studies my face, then she changes direction entirely.
“I’m my mom’s first daughter of five. She’s okay, but she’s quite busy, and although I’ve tried to ease her burdens, she wishes I was easier to live with and more normal — like the other four. Dad claims I like my stepdad more than him, but really Clarence is just a man who loves my mom enough to tolerate me for longer periods. We both understand very well that I’m nothisdaughter.”
I lean back in my chair, hearing things similar to those I’ve lived through myself. “You have his last name.”
Lana gives me a tight smile. “I wanted to have something in common with my sisters to help us bond.”
“Did it work?”
“A little. We get on okay, but the Baker girls are all wired differently — and I don’t mean inmyweir—” Lana cuts herself off before theDmakes itweird. She briefly smiles as she glances at me, and she rephrases. “We have some common values, butthere’s more that separates us than my quirks. I get on with Martha and Harper way more easily. My Hawkins sisters are more…me. When we get together, it’s like…”
Her face gets all happy and dreamy.
“Magic?” I suggest.
She nods. “Yeah.”
“You spend much time with them?”
“Some. More than with Dad. But Martha’s got the mining season to contend with, I’ve had school, Harper’s just finishing her first year of college… It’s been a shambles no matter how I’ve tried to arrange it, but we do what we can. Family’s important.”
My head dips in agreement. “It is.”
“You say that as if you have serious thoughts about it.”
“I do.”
“Maybe it’s your turn to talk, then. You seem to have a decent idea of how a dad should behave. Do you have any kids, Bates?”
