I noted Fiona’s house was very much the same footprint as Taran’s bungalow and wondered if Murray had ever offered to build her somewhere new. Somehow, I just knew he had. Murray was generous and clearly adored his mom. Fiona had declined his offer, if my assumptions were true.
Kelly was less enthusiastic to see me, but I reminded myself she was a teenager in pain and not to take it so personally. I was grateful when she got into my Suzuki. She could have point-blank refused to let me drive her home.
Kelly did, however, stare forlornly out the passenger window, not making any attempt at conversation.
“Did you have a good day?” I tried.
“It was fine,” she mumbled.
“What did you get up to?”
She sighed heavily, her tone impatient when she answered, “I hung out with Nana.”
“You’re lucky to be so close with a grandparent. I had a nana who I adored, but I only got two years with her before she passed.”
“Oh, aye, my mum is a druggie slut who doesn’t care about me, but aye, I’m lucky.”
My hands tightened around the steering wheel at the pain in her angry words. No matter what her mother had done, there was a conversation to be had in the future about using words likeslutwhen discussing other women. That time was definitely not now.
I let a couple of seconds of silence pass between us as I got up the courage to confess, “Both my parents neglected me my whole life. They never loved me.” Still my voice cracked on the wordlove. At almost thirty years old, I still felt that familiar, burning resentment toward my parents.
Kelly glanced at me, but I couldn’t see her expression because I was watching the road.
When she didn’t respond, I wasn’t sure what to say to fill her answering silence.
But then she suddenly spoke. “I thought your parents were really successful surgeons.”
Relieved, I nodded. “They are. That’s why I was raised by nannies, all of whom were just there to do a job and cared very little for me. But then my nana had to move in with us when I was eleven. She taught me to cook. And she loved me and tookcare of me for two years before she passed away. She was the first adult in my life who took an interest in me.”
“So, your mum and dad didn’t spend time with you?”
“They took turns attending my piano recitals because they were afraid of what it would look like if they didn’t. To be fair, it was the only time they ever showed me any positive emotion. But they only had me learn piano because they wanted me to be a surgeon. It helps with finger dexterity.” One of my most hurtful memories rose and I confessed it to Kelly. “When I got my first period, I had to ask the school nurse for help. I’d left my mom a voicemail asking her to come help me, and she sent me a quick text telling me to ask the school nurse instead. I was thirteen, my nana had just died, and I was scared because my body was changing, and my mother, the goddamn heart surgeon, told me to go to the school nurse to deal with it.”
“It sounds like your mum is the one who needs heart surgery.”
I pulled the car to a stop outside the house, my chest aching at Kelly’s observation. “Yeah, hers is pretty small. She only ever had space for my father and her work in it.”
Kelly met my gaze, her tone disbelieving as she asked, “And your dad wasn’t there for you either?”
“My dad showed even less interest. His attention to my life didn’t go beyond my school grades. He insisted on academic updates every month and while he never praised me for good grades, he certainly admonished me for those he considered poor. And a B was poor to my father.” While I’d stopped craving my parents’ attention with the deep intensity I’d had as a child, I still remembered the terrible agony of desiring their interest and love and never receiving it. Life in my parents’ apartment felt like another life entirely now. I think the human brain had a way of creating distance from those memories, compartmentalizing them, to protect the heart, so the heart could endure.
“They sound awful.”
“You know, most people aren’t all good and all bad. My mother and father saved all their good for their patients. And it was like they just had nothing left to give. I tell myself I can live with it because they’ve saved a lot of people’s lives between them.”
“But weren’t you … weren’t you lonely?”
“Very.” I blinked away emotion and gave her a sad smile. “But I found family elsewhere. You know Tierney McRae?”
“Of course.”
“Well, she’s the reason I’m here. Her family welcomed me into theirs. Gave me a real home.”
Kelly considered this, nibbling on her lower lip.
I pushed ever so gently. “If you ever want to talk about your mom, I’m here. You can talk to me. I know what it’s like to wonder why a parent doesn’t act like a parent should.”
Kelly jerked her head away, and I saw her throat and jaw working like she was trying to stave off tears.
