Mum frowns. ‘Now that’s not fair, Alice. Your father loves you.’
I inhale and will myself not to snap. Not to revert to angry teen-mode. ‘I know he loves me, but I just ... he doesn’t want to hear the truth.’
‘Thetruth? Of course he does.’
‘No he doesn’t, Mum. And the thing is, I don’t feel anything for Seth. No, that’s not true – when I’m around him I feel anxiety, stress ... I don’t even think I actually like him.’
Mum catches my eye in the mirror. She looks shocked and suddenly a lot older than her sixty-one years. ‘But you were going to marry him. You were excited. Happy.’
I shrug and sit on the floor cross-legged, picking at the carpet which I know will drive my mother mad, but I can’t help it.
‘So what are you saying, Alice? You’ve changed your mind?’
A lump has formed in my throat and I’m finding it hard to speak. Once I say the words out loud then they become real. Am I ready to do that?
‘Darling, you know you can tell me anything.’ She walks over and sits next to me on the carpet, putting her arm around my shoulders and bringing me in close so I can smell her distinctive scent of Chloé perfume and Dove body lotion. ‘Whatever’s going on in that head of yours?’ She kisses my hair.
‘Oh, Mum, it’s all gone wrong.’ My voice breaks as my emotions rush to the surface. The back of my nose smarts and my eyes sting.
‘It’s okay, Ally-bear, just have a good cry.’ My mother hasn’t called me that in years.
This is not what I had planned for today. The idea was to get in and get out, go home and watch a movie or read. Basically block out all emotions and refuse to think about any of it. Instead, the tears are cascading down my sweaty cheeks and dripping off my chin.
‘I don’t want to marry him, Mum,’ I sob. ‘I don’t think I even like him. I remember the old Seth, but I’m not even yearning after him or anything. And I know I’m probably not even making any sense right now.’ I don’t tell her that Seth scares me, because he hasn’t actually done anything bad. It’s just a feeling I get when I’m around him. And I don’t want my parents worrying that he’s been horrible to me in any way.
Mum strokes my hair and makes soothing noises. ‘It’ll be okay, Alice. Just have a good cry and you’ll feel better. If you don’t want to marry the man, then that’s fine.’
‘What about Dad?’ I gulp.
‘He’ll be all right. He’s just worried about you, that’s all. If you don’t want to marry Seth, that’s your decision. Not mine or Dad’s. We’ll stand behind you, whatever you decide.’
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I say, sitting up and swiping at my tears with the back of my hand. Even though she’s reassured me that Dad will accept my decision, I’m not sure she’s right. He’s already made it clear he wants us to fix things.
Mum stands and pulls a couple of tissues from a box on her dressing table. ‘Here.’
I take them and dab at my face as even more tears start to fall. Now I’ve started, I can’t seem to stop.
‘Were you having doubts before the wedding?’ she asks tentatively.
I stop and think for a moment. ‘I don’t think so, no. That’s the weird thing about it. Yes, we had our disagreements, but doesn’t everyone? I was excited to marry him. Couldn’t wait for our wedding. But now, when I look at him or talk to him, I just know that he’s not the man for me. Not at all.’
‘Well then,’ Mum replies. ‘That’s all you need to know. If he’s not the man for you, then of course you’re not going to get married. I just want you girls to be happy. That’s the most important thing.’
‘I think I ruined this top,’ I say, looking down at the newly stained silk.
‘Better a ruined top than a ruined life,’ she replies, pulling me closer for another hug.
I murmur my agreement into her hair. But the trouble is, right now, I feel as though mylifemight be ruined too.
Chapter Twenty-Four
THEN
‘You ready?’ my sister asks with a twinkly smile as I open the flat door to her.
‘Hello. Yes, let me just get my suitcase and phone,’ I reply, stupidly nervous.
‘I can’t wait for this,’ Daisy declares, wheeling her purple metallic case across the hall.
