‘What am I going to do?’ I wail, then bite my lip, telling myself not to lose it.
‘You’re not going to do anything.’ He holds out his arm. ‘Here, come and sit. I’ll make you a coffee.’
‘I don’t want coffee.’ That’s a lie. I’d love a coffee.
‘I’m going to make you one anyway.’
‘Okay. I’ll get dressed.’
I notice my suitcase has been placed on a bench by the wardrobe, the lid propped open. Obviously my husband’s handiwork. I take out the first suitable clothes that come to hand – socks, pants, a bra, a camisole, dark blue skinny jeans and an oversized cream jumper. I quickly dry off and get dressed. Toby hands me a milky coffee and I greedily inhale the aroma, before taking a sip and burning the roof of my mouth.
‘You said I shouldn’t do anything. But how can I not?’ I stand by the window and stare down at the drive. There are several tyre tracks and footprints. A young couple are walking outside bundled up against the cold and wearing wellies. I envy them.
I turn back to face my husband. ‘While I was in the shower, I had another flashback to that day. I can remember seeing Dina… afterwards. She was…’ I let out a sob. ‘She was dead.’ My hands start shaking again and I put my drink on the windowsill, splashing coffee down the curtains in the process.
‘Hey, hey.’ Toby comes and holds me, strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. ‘It’s a shock, I know.’
‘What am I going to do?’ I gulp down more sobs.
‘Right now, you’re not going to do anything. We’ll take it a day at a time, and we’ll get through it together.’
‘Maybe we should tell your mum.’
‘No!’ Toby tenses up, his voice ringing through the silence. He winces and relaxes his hold on me. ‘Sorry for shouting, but the last thing I want to do is bring my parents into this. They wouldn’t be able to handle it.’
‘I disagree. Your mum is the most calm and capable person I know. She’d have good advice. Yes, it would be a shock, of course it would, but she’ll know what to do for the best.’
‘Absolutely not.’ Toby takes a step back from me so he can look me in the eye, his expression is dark, his eyes hooded. ‘Nick and I already discussed this and we both decided long ago that we’d keep this between ourselves. We can’t afford to tell anyone else. And it’s not fair to involve my parents.’
A sudden wave of guilt engulfs me. Toby’s been protecting me all these years, living with this knowledge, and yet loving me anyway. And now I’m talking about putting his family in danger. How can he even bear to look at me? I don’t deserve him. ‘You’re right. I’m sorry. Of course we shouldn’t involve your mum and dad. I was being selfish.’
Toby’s face softens. ‘No, not at all. Look, I’ve had years to process this. To go through all the pros and cons of what to do and what not to do. You’ve only just found out, so it’s going to take a while to come to terms with what happened.’
‘But what about my dad? Surely he has a right to know about Dina. She’s his daughter! What if – God forbid – what if it were Alice or Jamie? Wouldn’t we have a right to know?’ Although I realise that if I tell my father, I’ll also have to tell him that it was my fault. I’ll have to confess what I did.
Toby holds both my arms and looks into my eyes. ‘Zoe, I know this is hard, but you’re going to have to learn to live with this. I’d rather not have told you at all, but my brother…’ He lets go of me and blows out a noisy breath. ‘If I hadn’t told you, Nick would have said something. He’s already a loose cannon, freaking out about this bloody development. Like I said yesterday, I’m going to have to do something about her body.’
An unwelcome image comes to my mind. If she’s been buried out there for ten years, then what does she look like now? My milky coffee curdles in my throat.
‘I’m sorry.’ Toby has the grace to look down. ‘I shouldn’t have brought that up again. This is all so fresh for you. Like I said, Nick and I have had years to get used to it. Well, not used to it, but…’ He trails off, probably realising that there’s no tactful way to talk about this.
I walk across the room, trying to shake the image, when something else pops into my head. I turn back to look at my husband. ‘Something doesn’t add up.’
He frowns. ‘What doesn’t?’
‘I messaged Dina after the wedding telling her that I was pregnant. I remember because I was pissed off that her replies weren’t more enthusiastic. Don’t you remember?’
Toby’s cheeks flush and he bites his lip as I realise…
‘Did you have her phone?’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘So it wasyou! You replied, pretending to be her!’ I sit down heavily on the edge of the unmade bed. This is all too real. All too awful and horrible and vile and whatever other bad words I can think of.
Toby comes across the room and stands in front of me, his eyes heavy with apology. ‘I’m so sorry. I hated doing that. But it was all part of protecting you. And then I worried that her phone might have been somehow traceable, so I got rid of it.’
I’m startled by the sound of my own phone ringing. I reach down to pick up my bag from the floor and extract my mobile. ‘It’s my dad.’
