Forty-Three
Before I have a chance to lose my nerve, I begin to make my way up the attic stairs. I haven’t been up here since Sadie moved in. And although it’s still part of our house, it feels as though I’m entering someone else’s property.
‘Hello!’ I call. ‘Sadie? Are you up here? Can I have a word?’
She appears in the doorway of her makeshift lounge. ‘Hi, Gemma. Everything okay?’
‘Have you got time for a chat?’ I ask.
‘Uh, yes, sure. Do you want to come in?’ She stands back from the door and invites me in.
The room looks the same. I don’t know what else I was expecting. It seems like years since Robert and I were up here preparing it for Sadie’s arrival. She sits on the day bed and I perch on the edge of one of the dining chairs. Now that I’m here, faced with her, I wonder if I’m making the right decision. She seems small and harmless. Vulnerable even. Her blue eyes questioning.
‘Is everything okay?’ she asks.
‘Yes, fine. Um…’ I need to be decisive. Act quickly, like ripping off a plaster. ‘Sadie, the thing is… we employed you because Robert and I both work long hours and we needed someone at home with the girls. But my circumstances have recently changed.’ I take a breath.
A flash of something passes across Sadie’s face – anger or disappointment – but it’s gone before I have the chance to decipher it.
‘I’m actually going to be at home a lot more, so, the thing is… I’m sorry, but we won’t need you any more.’
Sadie’s eyes widen further and start to glisten. I hope she’s not going to cry. ‘You mean… you want me to leave?’
‘With immediate effect. We’ll pay for another month in lieu of notice, plus an additional month’s salary for the inconvenience of leaving so soon. But there’s no need for you to stay now that I’m going to be at home more. I’m sorry.’
‘But… what about Eva’s studies? We’re making such great progress. I could stay until the entrance exam, if you like. I mean, if you’re paying me for the extra month, you may as well get your money’s worth.’ She gives a small laugh, but it sounds more like a sob.
I feel awful, but I don’t want her to stay for another month. I remember the perfume and her hair in my bed. I picture her and Robert cosily sharing a bottle of wine. Their trip to the theatre. It hits me that she could have engineered that whole thing – messed up the theatre dates on purpose. But, looking at her now, she seems so innocent. And I feel like the Wicked Witch of the East. ‘That’s okay,’ I say, forcing myself not to cave in. ‘I can take over their tutoring myself. I’ll have the time to do it now.’
Sadie exhales and leans back against the sofa. She presses her fingertips to her forehead. To my dismay, a tear slips down her cheek. She wipes it away and gulps. ‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘It’s just a bit of a shock, that’s all. I’ve grown so fond of the girls and I’m really going to miss them.’
Oh no.Have I got this all wrong? Should I not have done this? But I can’t go back now. I need to stay strong. ‘They’ll really miss you, too, Sadie. You’ve been brilliant with them.’
She takes a tissue out of her pocket and blows her nose. ‘I hope it’s not because you’re unhappy with me in any way. I pride myself on my professionalism. I’d hate to think that I did something to—’
‘No, no, not at all,’ I lie. I can’t come out with all my suspicions. There’s no point. Not if she’s leaving. And if I’m wrong it will just lead to a great big mess. It’s not like she would admit to any of it anyway. ‘Like I said, I’m going to be having more free time, so we don’t need a nanny any more.’
‘And Robert feels the same?’ she asks.
My hackles start to rise at her presumption. ‘Yes, of course.’
‘Okay. It’s just, he was only saying the other day how much he values me and the time I spend with the girls.’
‘Yes,’ I say, swallowing down a flare of temper, ‘we both value you. That’s not the issue. The issue is that I’m going to be home more often.’
‘Okay…’ Her face closes down. ‘So when do you want me to leave?’
‘Do you have somewhere you can go?’ I ask, feeling heartless once again.
‘Not really. But I can rent somewhere, or check into a B & B while I look for another position.’
I resist the urge to say that she can stay until she finds a new job. Kicking her out goes against all my usual instincts. But I can’t have her here, messing up my relationship with my family. I can’t give in to those wide, china-blue eyes. It’s a good job Robert isn’t here with me now, because I know he would tell her to take as long as she needs. I’m sure Sadie knows this too. It’s why she asked me about him, just now.
‘Stay for tonight, obviously,’ I say. ‘I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding a new position.’
‘I hope so.’ She sniffs and her face hardens further. ‘I turned down two other jobs to take this one, you know.’
‘Well, there you go,’ I say, purposely misconstruing her meaning. ‘Hopefully one of those jobs will still be available.’
