The morning hike up the mountain is a fail. We wander around the bottom half of it all morning, lighting the relics on fire in different locations before Daegan calls it. And in the days after that, we fail again, and again, and again.We try torching the items over and over, in different locations, but nothing works.
“What are we missing?” I ask one day as Daegan lies his head on my legs while I hold a book out in front of me. I wouldn’t say he’s completely given up by any means, but his eagerness to figure this thing out seems to have faded. All he seems to want to do is spend time with me. It’s almost as if he’s gotten comfortable being back home, having me here with him, and he’s lost sight of what we’re doing. Since we’ve been here and we get to spend every day together, he’s looked happier than I’ve ever seen him. He doesn’t let me out of his sight unless I’m with Raef, and even then, it’s not for long. The two of them have fallen back into their old routines, except now they happily bring me along.
I’ve seen Daegan and Raef doing their sparring, pullups, and other things they do to stay in shape while we’ve traveling, but witnessing them in their element with other soldiers like them is something else. Daegan is still faster than everyone in hand-to-hand matches, and everyone seems to respect him. Wherever we go, but especially on the training field, people address him with respect and admiration. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t turn me on and make me want to take him to our bed even more. It does.
He made me join in on the training, much to my dismay, arguing that the better I can defend myself, the better he will feel. I might not always have my magic or Kezra, so I need to hone other fighting skills. He’s not wrong, but I feel like it’s a little useless at this point.
“Why don’t we go knock on that old witch’s door and demand more answers,” Raef suggests. He looks hopeless, and rather serious at the suggestion.
“Maethrel isn’t giving us anything more,” Daegan mumbles. The note of bitterness doesn’t escape my notice.
“That fucking asshole,” Raef grumbles. There’s a hint of aggression in his voice that’s out of character.
When Daegan looks up at me, I hope he’ll have some sort of idea. His jaw twitches, but he remains silent.
I don’t know where our elusive fairy companion has wandered off to this afternoon.
“The cursed order…” Raef finally murmurs again, as if he’s unintentionally spoken up mid-thought.
“Huh?” I ask.
He shakes his head, not meeting my gaze.
“Just a thought I’ve been having. We’re cursed. All of us. How or why, I don’t know. But we’ve been getting picked off one-by-one.” He glancesbetween Daegan and me to emphasize his point. “Look how many of us are left. First Gaethri was plucked off, then Meela, then Rhydra, I’ll probably be next…”
I flick my gaze to Daegan. His head is still on my thighs, but his eyes are focused on Raef.
“We’re not cursed,” I assure him. Though I have no proof of that. “It’s not like you to be so…”
“Pessimistic? Downbeat? Defeated?”
“Yes. All of those things. It’s not you.”
“Well, Sand, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve been through some shit. We all knew going into this that it was going to change us.”
“We’re not fucking cursed, okay?” Daegan says in a low voice full of impatience. “You’re going to be fine. We’ll break the curse eventually, and you guys will be fine.”
“When? How?” Raef pushes, not mollified by Daegan’s words whatsoever.
“I don’t know,” Daegan replies in a softer tone.
“Great,” Raef nods as he begins to stand. “Very reassuring.”
He storms out of the lounge, and we don’t move to go after him. I think he needs some space.
“Where did that come from?” I ask.
He shrugs, staring up at the ceiling once more. He’s here but his eyes seem far away.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why did you really not think you should be with me before?”
His chest rises. Slow and controlled. “Because…” He releases the breath, attempting to gather his words. I wait patiently, running my hand gently through his sandy brown hair, admiring the perfect slope of his nose and the curve of his lips. He finally sits up, pulling me into his lap so I’m facing him. He grabs me from behind, pulling me closer, then runs his nose gently up the side of my neck, inhaling. “It would be the most selfish thing I’ve ever done,” he says into my hair. “It is the most selfish thing.”
I scrunch my face. “You’re allowed to experience joy… and love, you know. I know you think the survival of your people is solely on your shoulders, but if anything, because your circumstances here are so dire, you should be more entitled than anyone to have that. You and Raef.” His thoughts seem a little extreme. I still don’t fully understand why he didn’t think he was deserving. Maybe he still doesn’t see himself the way I do, even though I tell him every single day how brave, how selfless, and how dedicated he is.
