“I’m glad you’re okay,” he says softly, startling me with the confession. His eyes remain closed, but he’s been awake this whole time, as I suspected. He probably sensed my eyes on him the whole time.
“You too,” I say in a near whisper.
And we leave it at that.
I think he does drift off for a while, but eventually he relieves me, and I finally fall asleep at the back of the boat, curled in a ball.
Chapter 52
I wake in the night and find Rhydra at the bow watching the oars. We’re really drifting more than anything, but it seems like she’s paddling now and then.
The water is calm. It’s having that effect on me too. It’s peaceful out here. I have a feeling that as soon as we hit land, everything is going to change again. We’ll be on the run.
“What have you guys been doing the last year?” I ask her.
“Looking for you. And hiding. And running.”
“You were?” I whisper.
“He was relentless.”
My heart sinks. I sit up and put my face in my hands, rubbing at my temples. “I tried. Until I didn’t.” I tilt my head up again, whispering into the frigid night air. “I’m ashamed of who I became. She would have been so disappointed in me.”
Rhydra shakes her head. “I don’t know what you went through, but no she wouldn’t. We’ve all been doing what we can to survive, and what matters is we’re all reunited again now. The order lives on, and the plan continues.” She eyes me. “That is, if you’re still in?”
I incline my head. It’s not a fast, eager agreement, but she seems satisfied. I don’t miss the concern in her eyes as she watches me though. I look away out of fear that she’ll be able to see right through me, straight to the coward I’ve become.
“So, they cuffed you and trapped you on an island.”
I acknowledge her words with a dip of my chin once again, not meeting her gaze.
“Seems like an ironic punishment. Trapped by water whenyou’re—”
“Yep.”
“When did you get them off?”
“A few days ago,” I answer quietly. “I had a new plan…”
“Seduce your way off the island?”
My head whips to the side at the new voice. Daegan is leaning back, arms folded, in the same position he was sleeping in, except now his eyes are open, and he’s looking at me. I open my mouth to answer, but words don’t come right away. Yes, that’s basically what I was trying to do.
“Well… excuse me, but I was out of ideas. No one was coming for me, and all my other plans were massive failures.” I hate that my voice cracks a little, but I continue anyway. “I couldn’t save myself. I couldn’t save anyone. I was a fucking failure.”
Something flashes across Daegan’s eyes as he looks at me, and Rhydra’s gaze softens. I hate it. I look away.
“Where did you hide, Rhydra?” I ask, changing the subject and avoiding everyone’s gaze.
“Wherever I could. We went to Torrynth, at first. Raef and me. He was going through it, for a while.” I glance at her and find sadness in her eyes. “But then a few elven soldiers started showing up, poking around. They knew we were there, and instead of letting the shifters stand up for us and put themselves at risk, we decided to leave. We didn’t want to stay put anyway, since we had some rescue missions to plan, and more research to do. We bounced from inn to village, with Raef mostly having to sneak me into places. It’s hard to hide as a woman taller and wider than most males when you’re a fugitive.”
I keep my focus on her, listening intently.
She looks like she wants to say more, but she eyes the sleeping, hunched over passenger whom she’s unfamiliar with, and I return a look of understanding. Soon. Soon, we will all catch up and lay everything out on the table. And I’ll have to admit to them what a failure I am. I’m no hero at all.
I chance a look at Daegan again, whose mere presence has consumed me, even if I refuse to look his way. He’s sitting up now with his hands laced together, his elbows resting on his knees, and his head hanging down.
Being this close to him yet feeling so far away, feeling like I can’t touch him, is more painful than anything I’ve endured so far. He was the flicker deep down inside of me that kept me going, even if I refused to face that truth most days. And now he’s here, and it’s like we’re almost back to how things were when we first met.
