After that, Ben started coming around more, letting me rest while he helped out with Kaseem. He was so good with my baby and I really appreciated his help. I never knew how good it felt to be able to take an hour bubble bath without worrying and listening for a baby.
I was able to do that, and everything else I had been deprived of since my husband had been gone.
One night, after Ben put Kaseem down to sleep, he slid into bed with me. I woke up confused, not understanding what was happening at first. He told me he could see how lonely I’d been, how much I’d been carrying by myself with my husband gone. Said he wanted to release some of that stress for me.
I cursed him out. I told him that we’d been too good to him and his family for him to even think about betraying my husband like that.
He just silenced me with kisses, and then with the best head I’d ever had in my life at that point. That one night, that one mistake turned into us being together every single night after that.
He was at my house more than he was at his own. Helping me with Kaseem, helping me keep the business running, and for a minute I was living in a whole fantasy that wasn’t mine to have. That fantasy ended the day I missed my period and that test came back positive.
I knew right then I couldn’t have that baby.
That shit wasn’t even an option that crossed my mind.
I also knew I didn’t believe in getting rid of it either. When I told Ben, nothing but fear filled up his whole face. Him and Kadeem had been best friends since they were little boys playing in a sandbox together. There was no way Ben wanted to hurt his brother like that, not after everything Kadeem had ever done for him. He encouraged me to get an abortion. When I refused, we both landed on adoption instead.
“This was a big ass mistake, Zuri,” he told me. “We good business partners. I respect the way you go toe to toe with any man in this game. But you my brother’s wife, and we never should have crossed this line. My wife Keisha didn’t deserve this. And Kadeem damn sure didn’t. Not after all he’s done for me.” He shook his head that night, wouldn’t even look at me straight on. “This shit is fucked up on every level there is. You have to give that baby up the second it comes out. That’s the only way.” He cried.
It was crazy how he had initiated the shit, and had no regrets while we were in the moment, but as soon as shit went left, he froze up. He knew that my husband would kill him dead, so I understood this being his reaction.
After that night, he didn’t help me with Kaseem again. He only came around when it was time to make a drop or handle business, all strictly professional, all business, nothing else.When I tried to give him updates about the pregnancy, he didn’t want to hear none of it. Told me I shouldn’t even care that much my damn self, that I was only making it harder on myself by caring.
I hid that pregnancy from my whole team up until the very end. Wore clothes big enough to hide what was growing under them, stayed in the house whenever I wasn’t out handling business, lied to my own husband every single time he called to check on me and Kaseem.
Seeing Ben act so unbothered while I carried his child, that stung me deep. Not because I wanted him. He was a worker, he meant nothing to me. I was hurt because of the rejection, and I didn’t know how to process that. But I did what I had to do. Made all the arrangements to have my baby adopted straight out the delivery room, no hesitation, no second guessing myself out loud even when I was breaking apart on the inside.
The day I went into labor, I was completely alone.
Ben had Kaseem that day for me. When he knew that I was in labor, he took him home with him and Keisha, told her I was down with the flu, and they gladly kept my son while I went through the hardest thing I’d ever had to do in my life, without a single soul beside me.
After six hours of labor, I gave birth to a beautiful seven pound baby, rich chocolate skin, a head full of jet black silky hair. He came out so hairy I could lift the hair up off the back of his little neck. He had a small dark birthmark underneath his eye, and when I looked into his face for the first time, I knew God had put that mark there so I’d always be able to find my baby and recognize him when the time was right.
He came out stubborn too. Didn’t even cry until the doctors gave him a gentle spank to get him going. And when he finally did cry, that sound was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard in my life besides Kaseem’s first cry. My heart broke for both my boys in that moment, knowing they’d never get the chance to grow up together, never get to be brothers the way brothers were supposed to be, laughing and fighting and being best friends under the same roof. I cried my eyes out that day.
It took the agency longer than expected to come pick him up, so we got hours together, just me and him, bonding in that hospital room in a way I knew I had no business getting attached to. When they finally did arrive, they told me the adoptive family had backed out. Said the couple was going through a divorce and couldn’t follow through no more. They assured me they’d find him another good home soon.
Hearing that, I should have taken my baby home right then. I know that now. I knew it then too, if I’m being honest with myself.
But I didn’t.
I didn’t, out of fear of losing my family, losing everything I’d worked so hard to build. How could I ever look my husband in his face and tell him I’d slept with his best friend, the man he trusted enough to leave with his wife and his newborn son, and gotten pregnant behind it? No. I did what I had to do.
And for the last twenty-seven years, I’ve had to live with that decision every single day of my life.
So when I saw Demon at that warehouse, picking up that drop, I immediately told my husband we could no longer do business with them. I knew who he was and what I didn’t need was the lifeI had tried hard to bury, coming to bite me in my ass. Not right now.
What I didn’t expect was for him to take the rejection so hard that it caused a war. He had my blood in his veins for sure. He was so much like his brothers, it was crazy. So, just imagine the position I’m in now. I’ve already failed my baby once. As a mother, do I fail him again?
I thought about how after I’d seen him eight months ago, I signed up for ancestry just hoping that he was in their system and that I could get confirmation to what I already knew. As soon as that thought came into my head, I grabbed my phone and went outside. I checked my surroundings before calling Tattiana.
She answered on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey. What are you doing?” I asked, making small talk.
“Umm. I’m getting ready to change clothes so that I can meet my girls in a little bit. Are you okay? You never call me and I literally just left your house.”
