John was not hers.
As well as this, she saw tall, dark-haired men out of the corner of her eye or with their back to her. Even though it was impossible for Victor to be here, there were moments when her heart was seized with a mixture of apprehension and excitement at the prospect of seeing him again.
She thought of Theodore’s words and wondered if she should have reached out to Victor one final time before she left but then shook her head. Surely, it would have only brought her more sorrow. One rejection was enough. She did not need to repeat it over and over again.
Lydia passed small shops and open windows, feeling ashamed of herself that she could not enjoy the city fully. Perhaps she would never be able to enjoy anything fully again. The scenery might change around her, but her feelings would not.
That evening, she decided to remain in her room. She, Edmund, and Rose were staying in a small inn that was frequented by travelers. There was always a great commotion as people stomped through the halls and shared jokes with each other. Laughter rippled through walls, and sometimes it felt as though they were all in the room with her. There was usually live music in the evenings, as though these people could find something to celebrate every day.
There was a knock at the door. Lydia assumed that it was Edmund or Rose, trying to coax her out of the room. She sighed, ready to roll her eyes and dismiss them, but upon opening the door, her heart shook as she was faced with the impossible.
Victor.
His face was drawn, his clothes dusted with the travails of travel, but it was him in the flesh. There was no mistaking it, not even if she rubbed her eyes or pinched herself.
“Victor,” she whispered.
“Lydia,” he replied. The word thrummed in the air, as though it was a living thing. She’d forgotten how deep his voice was and how it made her knees quake. Her hair was loose. She clutched a few locks and tugged at them.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came for you.”
“Why?”
The words were breathless as they leaped from her lips. The air seemed to fizz, and her chest was tight. It didn’t seem real, and yet it was. Footsteps were heard behind him. Victor looked over his shoulder and frowned.
“May I come in? I would prefer we speak in private.”
Lydia stepped aside and closed the door behind him. He came into the room, seeming to fill it entirely. The ceiling was a little too low for him, so he had to bend his head slightly.
“Victor, why are you here?”
“For you,” he said simply. He gave a weary sigh and sank to the bed. He put his head in his hands and leaned forward. “On the voyage, I thought about what I would say when I saw you again although now none of the words seem right. All I can say is that I crossed the sea for you, and yet you would not know the meaning of that because how could you? I barely shared anything with you, much to my detriment.”
“What does it mean?” Lydia asked.
“When I was younger, I almost drowned. My father saved me, but ever since then I have been terrified of the water and too proud to speak about it openly. But when I learned you were here, I faced my fear because… well… there were greater things that terrified me.”
“Such as?” Lydia asked.
Victor turned his gaze towards her.
“A life without you,” he said. He shook his head. “I am tired of holding back my feelings, Lydia. All my life I have kept them locked inside because I thought it was proper, but where has it gotten me? You are like a stranger to me, and that is not how I want to live.”
He rose but failed to take into account the low ceiling and bumped his head. He glared at the ceiling, but this did not interrupt the flow of his words.
“I cannot escape your absence. I feel it every day. When I am in the house, I still listen for you, but you are not there, and it is entirely intolerable. My life changed when I met you, and I find that I do not wish to undo those changes. I know you were only enduring the situation for John’s sake, but?—”
“Is that what you think?”
“Is that not the truth? After all, you stepped away from me when I thought we were getting close. That day when Juliet came to the house, I comforted you, and you stepped away.”
The shock faded from Lydia’s heart as anguish rose instead. She arched her eyebrows and took a pace towards him.
“I stepped away because you made it clear that this was only an obligation to you! You didn’t even say farewell to John! As soon as he was with his real parents, you didn’t care at all.”
Victor bowed his head. “We were his real parents for a time. Lydia… I could not say farewell because I could not bear it. I never imagined that I could love something as much as I loved him. I know I was reluctant at first, but you showed me how to be a father, and while I am pleased for Harry, I could not escape the bitterness in my heart. I had to detach myself from my feelings. It was the only way I could bear it. It is what I have always done, and I see now how it has been to my detriment. I am trying to be better.”
