Her smile faded. ‘But where you’regoingis back to Sweden.’
She looked so desolate that he jumped in before someone could interrupt again. ‘Would you come with me?’ Everything else he’d planned to say – about his children knowing and adoring her already and that he’d keep Inger out of Ezz’s hair – faded away the instant he saw blank astonishment in her gaze.Shit.Despite the long hours of thought and hanging around until he could get her alone, he’d made a complete mess of it.
Her expression shuttered. ‘You’re asking me to give up my life in favour of yours.’
He considered. ‘I suppose I did just do that. But—’
‘Your impulsiveness is impressive,’ she said drily. ‘We’ve known each other a short time and been “together”—’ she made air quotes ‘—for even less. What if it doesn’t work?’ She waited, but when he didn’t immediately conjure up an answer, she supplied one. ‘Your parents would have filled my job, and my landlord would have relet my home.’
With a feeling of doom, he watched her gaze roving over the guests around them and he imagined her ticking them off as reasons not to leave:Theahaving a baby.Valentinabuying a holiday cottage in Rothach.Her first familyliving in England, where she could get to know them more easily from Scotland. He blushed. ‘I don’t have a fully developed plan. I just know how I feel about you.’ Desperately, he tempered his request. ‘Would you ever visit us in Gothenburg?’
She hesitated. Her gaze returned to him, but her eyes held regret and perhaps disillusionment. ‘I want to say yes. But what if it’s just like prodding a bad tooth? It won’t become less painful unless we let it heal.’
He managed a smile. ‘Lovely. I’m a bad tooth, as well as impulsive.’ Heavily, he realised his plans didn’t havea prayer. Sadly, he said, ‘The 2nd is a public holiday in Scotland, so don’t come back to work. The family can hire another car to drive to Inverness Airport.’
After a hesitation, she said colourlessly, ‘Of course.’ She didn’t even argue that it was up to Grete and Erik to sanction her hours, not him.
Unable to help himself, he opened his arms, and she stepped in for a long, long hug. He tried to burn the feel of her in his arms into his memory. ‘You’ll see me again,’ he murmured.
Slowly, she disentangled herself. ‘Well, yes … if you visit Rothach. But our situation will only be the same. I live here, and you live in Sweden.’ She gave him a watery smile. ‘Say goodbye to the kids for me. I don’t want to risk upsetting them.’ Then she turned and strode away, to where Valentina was talking persuasively to Barnaby, probably about bedtime. He glanced at his watch. It was nearly ten, and the children were wilting.
Alvin came over rubbing his eyes. ‘Barnaby’s got to go home,’ he complained plaintively, falling into Swedish.
Mats crouched to scoop him up, kissing his head while avoiding the cake crumbs stuck in his hair. ‘I’m afraid all the children have to go to bed. It’s very late.’
As he watched, Thea and Dev conferred with Ezz and Valentina and they all nodded, then crossed the room to Grete and Erik, plainly taking their leave, pointing at Barnaby, and then Thea pantomiming drooping with exhaustion. She probably wouldn’t see his parents until they were back at Rothach, he thought. Or might she be on maternity leave by then? He wasn’t clear on the Scottish system.
Then both Ezz’s families were lining up to add their thanks and take their leave.
Ezz, of course, knew where the cloakroom was and prepared to lead everybody to their coats. He had to swallow hard when Astrid suddenly noticed Ezzie leaving and flew after her, ‘Ezz, Ezz! Goodnight.’
And Ezz dropped to her knees and received his daughter into her arms, giving her the biggest hug, before murmuring something and smiling. Astrid nodded, but looked doleful. He imagined the conversation.Don’t worry. We’re enjoying our holidays with our families, aren’t we?
Then Alvin wriggled out of Mats’ arms and galloped over to join the hug, and Ezz gave them one last kiss goodbye.
Her leaving seemed to take the light from the room. The guests who remained, Hadley and his wife, Gwen and Caitriona were still cheerful, but it was certainly time for the children to be in bed. He went to round up Alvin and Astrid, hiding his misery behind forced smiles.
For the sake of Grete and Erik he’d return and join everyone in toasting the New Year with good Skye whisky, after Jonas had fulfilled the Scottish tradition of first footing as a dark stranger.
But it seemed an empty gesture now. The New Year didn’t look as if it wanted to bring Mats a fresh start at all.
Outside, frost was glittering prettily. While Dev cleared his car windscreen, Ezz turned to Thea. ‘Do you think you could drop Valentina and Barnaby at my place in your car? I want to talk to Rick and Kay and everyone before they go.’ It was a fib, but Ezz was used to having time alone at home to think, which wasn’t possible with Valentina and Barnaby there.
Obligingly, Thea agreed. ‘Of course. Pile in, everyone.’
As they clambered into the car, an overtired Barnaby asked grumpily, ‘When are we going to see Dad?’
Valentina hesitated. Then, as if just now making her decision, she answered comfortingly. ‘Soon, because it’s school on Monday, and Dad and I go back to work. We’ll drive home on Friday, so we’ll have the weekend there.’ She didn’t betray her own emotions at the prospect of once again sharing the family home with Gary by so much as a flicker.
To make her fib less of one, Ezz wandered over to Rick and Kay’s car to call, ‘See you tomorrow,’ as their car defrosted, and then stooped to wave to Julia and Iona in the back seat.
When they’d driven away, their headlights vanishing around the hall in the direction of the drive, she turned away from the hall, striding into the darkness to breathe in freezing air and contemplate everything that had flipped her life upside down.
It was odd to be both unhappy and happy.
She couldn’t do much about the unhappiness over Mats, except wait for it to pass – which felt as if it would take a long time. She remembered the jolt of shock when he’d asked her to return to Sweden with him, but she’d had no hesitation in turning him down. She wasn’t impulsive, like him. She needed to think things through, manage situations, see workable solutions. It was not Esmerelda Wynter to say,Yes, I’ll give up my career, home and family, and trail around in your wake,even if she also wanted to say,I want you all the time and can’t stop thinking about you. I’m falling in love.Maybe if they’d had longer together … but they hadn’t.
She gazed up at a sky spangled with stars, winking and twinkling, and blinked back tears.
There was no constellation called Birth Family.
But if there was one called Family, tonight had brought two parts of it into alignment, with her in the centre, and that fuelled the happy part of her heart.
She stood there for a long time under the shimmering stars, until she felt like a pillar of ice. Then she trudged back to scrape the twinkling frost from her own car, nursing her mixed-up heart.
