‘I feel terrible that I didn’t phone you. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but Tamzin’s been –’ Having made the opportunity to talk about it, he hesitated, not knowing how to go on.
Then Diane sighed and the tension seemed to seep from her. ‘Yes. I can see how she’s been. I’m glad you warned me before I went in – about her arms. I had no idea.’ Her voice was sadder than tears.
He watched her shiver. The ladder of scabs and scars that ran up the soft inner of each of Tamzin’s arms made him feel like that, too. Some fresh, some old, some no more than white or pink cords. Each scar an ugly statement he couldn’t completely understand or a question he wasn’t hearing. ‘She tries to hide it. Self-harmers do that, they find it deeply personal.’
For a moment she touched his hand, her fingers cool in the evening air. ‘I’m so sorry, James. Even though you’d warned me I’m afraid it took me by surprise. I don’t think I quite carried on as if I hadn’t noticed. I’d like to understand what makes her do that.’
He laughed, mirthlessly. ‘So would I.’ He fell silent. Tamzin was that rare thing – a problem he couldn’t fix.
Diane reached for her bag and made an obvious attempt to change the subject. ‘Look, I bought a mobile phone, yesterday. I’ve made one call on it to check that it works but I’m useless with it, really.’ She held the flat black phone out for his inspection.
He took it. ‘Sensible to have one.’ His thumb moved over the touch screen. ‘There. The first entry in your phone book.’ He turned the screen so that she could seeJames mobileand his number. The thumb went into action again and he showed her:James home.
To view the screen properly, she had to draw close to him. And if he shifted his hand a little – even closer. ‘So they’re there forever, are they?’
‘Yes, you pressmenu, thenphone book, then the first letter of the name. See? Then press the green button.’ After a pause a muffled buzzing soaked out into the evening air. He reached into his pocket and brought out his BlackBerry. ‘Hello?’
She giggled, taking her own phone back and putting it to her ear. ‘Hello!’
‘Now I can put you in my phone book.’ He showed her how to save the number and typed inDianemobilebeside it.
She played for several minutes inputting phone numbers. ‘Home … Freddy, my brother … Rowan, the mean git who sells some of my garments at his shop … the hospital.
‘Right,’ she said. ‘Let’s be adventurous. How do I send a text?’
‘Not difficult.’ He bent his head next to hers. ‘Tap this icon, select me from your phone book, type the message, then presssend.’ In a few moments, his phone vibrated against his leg and a little envelope flashed on the screen,Diane mobileshowing in his inbox.
They laughed at the message, ‘I have a mobile!’
Then, under the cloak of darkness, he took her hand.
She stopped laughing and examined the way his fingers enveloped hers. All the hairs on his arms stood up. Something in her faraway expression brought back the way she’d looked down at him when he’d been inside her, the wonder, the lust, that volcano of pleasure that erupted for him. The way she’d kissed him when she’d come down after the explosion, the sweetest, deepest, most perfect kiss. He remembered how to move, how to touch her to drive her crazy.
Gently, he squeezed her fingers. Even that chaste contact felt good. ‘I wish I’d rung you when I should have. I wanted to see if we could make each other happy – but I was caught in the middle of Tamzin’s black cloud and I felt as if I’d contaminate you with it. I had no right to ask, anyway. I’m stuck here and could never give you the relationship you deserve. And I’m being a presumptuous prick in disregarding Gareth. But I want you to know how I feel. You don’t have to say anything, I just want you to know.’ His fingers tightened. ‘I feel good just being with you. I think about you all the time. And want you. Our couple of hours at Farcet Fen was an oasis of pleasure during a shitty time. Your husband doesn’t deserve you because he’s an arse. I don’t suppose I deserve you any more than he does – and I’m just as married as you are – but none of those things stop me wanting you.’
She sounded strained. ‘I took it as a one-night stand.’
His heart began a long slow slide south. ‘If that’s what you want, it will be. Our secret.’
Abruptly, she closed her fingers around his, suddenly breathless. ‘Let me think about it.’
A big meal, a long and emotional day, she was sleepy. She kept the car windows open and Lily Allen playing loudly on the stereo to keep her awake as she drove the hypnotically long, dark lanes.
Home. Her neighbours’ houses were bright with windows where hers was dark.
Across the kitchen, through the dining room, up the stairs; a one-minute shower and she cleaned her teeth and fell into bed. She wasn’t going to think about James and the words she’d been shocked to hear emerging from her mouth …Let me think about it. She was going to sleep.
The phone rang. She groaned.Stop ringing! It stopped. Thankfully, she drifted towards sleep.
The phone rang.
Swearing, she rolled out of bed and staggered down the stairs. ‘Hello?’
‘Mum! Guess what? I’m coming home!’
Diane blinked, trying to engage her brain. ‘Bryony, what’s the matter? Are you ill?’
Bryony’s laughter rocked around the earpiece, shrill and excited. ‘Dad rang me and we had a big heart to heart. He explained why he’s been so odd. Isn’t it cool about his father tracking him down? I’ve got a grandfather! Dad says he’s sweet. It’s so good that Dad finally told you. I saw him with a woman and I thought he was having an affair. It was so scary, even though he kept saying he wasn’t. But she was his sister. He’sexplained. This is so good!’
