As a little girl, I would go to his games and cheer him on from the sidelines, sneaking under the tunnel and standing in line as the team walked by and wishing him good luck. I remember the nights he took us to games, watching as my brothers fell in love with the sport. When I was eight, I begged my parents to put me in figure skating while my brothers went to hockey practice. That’s where I met Bellamy. I didn’t end up sticking to figure skating, but Bellamy stuck with me and has remained my best friend.
I squeeze him one more time, before I let him go and step back to look all around the house I grew up in. It’s where I have made so many memories, where so many firsts happened, where I watched my parents love each other with everything in them, and where my siblings and I lived our lives. We’re a messy, chaotic bunch, but I love my family and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, even when they annoy me.
“As much as I’ve missed you all and I definitely need to catch up, I promised the boys that they could take me out tonight to meet the team, so I’m gonna finally shower after a long flight and go get ready.”
I start to make my way up the stairs, knowing that tonight is going to change everything all over again.
Chapter 4
Jake
Iarrive at Entourage, our local bar and favorite hang out spot, feeling both excited and nervous about tonight.
It’s not too far from the arena, given how small of a town Winter Hills is. We’re technically considered to be in the Orlando area, closer to Deltona since we’re right on the water. We definitely have more of a small town vibe here since we’re more off the coast, the biggest attractions being the Hockey and Football teams.
This is our first official hang out as a team to celebrate the end of preseason, and I’m ready to get to know the guys on the team outside of the arena. I’m putting myself out there and waiting to see what happens, hoping I don’t get too overwhelmed.
If that wasn’t enough, the new staff was also invited, meaning Kailyn and Emilia are going to be here tonight.
As soon as I left the arena, I raced home as fast as I could before my panic attack settled in. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and I couldn’t breathe. My body felt like it was on autopilot, going through the motions ofdriving and then walking through my front door. Once I was able to get inside, I beelined it to my bedroom, crawling under the covers and shrouding myself in darkness.
One of the techniques I learned early on in therapy was about centering myself. She told me when the anxiety feels overwhelming to find a safe space away from the noise and to just focus on breathing. For me, I’ve also found that blocking out my surroundings helps me focus, because I’m not distracted by the movement around me.
The quiet buzz of my A.C. helps me sometimes to focus on something other than my racing thoughts, and my breaths will start to even out once my mind has calmed a bit.
Today’s anxiety attack is probably one of the worst I’ve had in almost ten years. A wave of memories overtook me at the sight of Kailyn, and I’m brought back to the night she shattered my heart.
“So that’s it, you’re just going to leave and forget everything that we’ve shared these last two years?” My voice cracks, desperation lining my tone.
The girl that I’ve been in love with since the moment she said yes to being mine looks at me like I’m a stranger, like I’m not her entire world like she is mine.
“It’s what’s best for us, Jake. I’m sure you’ll eventually see that.”
She left without looking back, even after everything we shared together, including those stolen moments, the “'I love you’s,” and the future I thought we planned together. I went home that night and cried my heart out. My anxiety was so bad, and the one person who I wanted to hold me, talk to me, and make me feel better was the source of all of my pain.
My dad was the one who ended up findingme sobbing in my bed that night. He got me up, helped me shower, and then we lay in his bed all night as I told him everything. He was the first and only person I ever told about us, and when I thought he’d be disappointed in me, he wasn’t.
“Son, I knew from the day you two met that there was a deeper connection between you,” he’d said. “She’s always looked at you like you hung the stars, and you looked at her like there was no other woman in the room.”
“She is the only one. But I guess it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”
“My sweet boy. I’ve known that girl for a long time, and while you might not want to hear this right now, you will one day. I can tell you with absolute certainty that she loves you with everything she has. She must have her reasons for leaving the way she did, and while you might not agree with or understand them, they make sense to her. Just give her some space for now and then try talking to her.”
“But what if I try and she hurts me again?” I asked.
“You’ll never know until you try. Take it from your old man, maybe she’s the right girl, but the timing was wrong,” he’d said. “You two have been through so much together, I don’t think she’d throw it all away for nothing. Just keep trying. And if she’s not ready to tell you, just be ready when she is.”
He told me not to give up on her. In that moment, right after she ripped my heart out, the only thing I could think of doing was washing away the pain, and in turn I ended up giving up on her like she did with me.
It wasn’t until I got into therapy and really opened up about how I was feeling that his words registered with me. From then, I allowed a small part of myself to hold onto the hope that one day she might come back and I’d finally learn the truth about everything.
Maybe all it takes is one intervention from the universe to set things straight.
I had to force my body to get out of bed and get dressed, because I knew that showing up tonight was important for not only me, but the team as well.
That doesn’t stop the nerves swirling in the pit of my stomach as I sit in the parking lot.
After a few deep breaths to settle my nerves the best I can, I turn off the ignition of my truck and hop out, striding over to the VIP entrance, where I flash my wristband, courtesy of our PR department, and continue my way inside, weaving through the crowd of people.
