News flash, they were just misogynistic men who didn’t take the time to listen to me.
At twenty-seven years old, every day is a struggle with my health. I eat right, exercise when I can, and still there’s no medicine or cure to help me. The only thing that helps is my birth control, and all that’s done is decrease the frequency of my periods, but not the pain and symptoms that come with. So I take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
But no matter what I do, I’ve just never been able to look like other girls. It’s been my biggest insecurity my entire life.
I’ve always had curves and been bigger than most girls my age. In a world where everything is about beauty and image, it was safe to say that I wasn’t very high up on either of those lists. I wore clothes two to three times bigger than others and never looked the same in my jeans like they did.
Stretch marks marred my hips and waist, and all I wanted to do was cover them with make up. That, plus having back rolls, usually meant hiding underneath as many layers of clothes as possible.
Eating in front of others was a challenge, too, being judged for everything that I consumed, especially during lunch time. I ended up starving myself sometimes until I got home from school afraid of what kids would say or do.
With recent changes in the healthcare world, they’ve renamed PCOS to Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome (PMOS), to hopefully reflect theexperience many women go through. It’s given me hope that people will finally start to understand or take me seriously when I tell them what I’m going through. Hopefully, more positive changes and advances mean better solutions and help for us.
After moving to L.A. and finally getting into therapy, thanks to my sister, Lainey, and my best friend, Bellamy, I started to unpack all of the self doubt and insecurities I had about myself, finding better ways to cope and process my emotions.
Therapy gave me the confidence in myself that I was desperately missing, but there’s still times when those voices at the back of my head come out and want to be heard louder than anything else, making me feel worthless and disgusting.
But it also gave me the courage to say yes to the Blaze and move back home.
I knew accepting this job would mean seeing Jake again, and I tried to come to terms with that as best as I could, but nothing could have prepared me for the way my heart twisted and my gut sank seeing him sitting right in front of me. It reminded me of how much growth I’ve done in the last ten years, thanks to therapy, and how much work I still have to do on myself.
After weighing my options and talking to Lainey, I knew coming back home and taking this job was ultimately the right decision for me.
I also knew that there would be some challenges facing me, mainly a 6’2” beautiful man that broke my heart with just a few words.
One day after school, I was waiting for Jake by the locker room when I overheard some of the girls talking about how they wanted to ask him out and see which one ofthem could kiss him first. Startled, I hid around the corner, hoping they didn’t see me.
Luck was not on my side.
I heard one girl loudly proclaim something about me. “Any of us are better options than that fat loser, Kailyn.” They all erupted into cheers, laughing at my expense.
I ran home, crying in tears over how nasty those girls were.
I ended up calling Bellamy, and she came over, holding me while I sobbed onto her shoulder. She tried reassuring me that Jake truly cared for me, that he looked at me like I hung the stars and the moon, and I believed her, pushing my insecurities aside to trust in Jake.
Then one night a couple weeks later, we went on a date. He took me to our favorite diner in town, Sunrise Cravings, and we sat in the back and laughed all night while eating burgers and sharing a milkshake. With him, I felt like I could be myself, eating what I wanted and not having to watch every calorie or carb that went into my body. He let me pick what I wanted and never judged my choices, making me feel safe with him.
Everything was going perfect, until it wasn’t.
I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and when I came back, I saw one of the girls on the cheerleading team sitting next to him, touching him and flirting with him. It was the same girl that made fun of me in the locker room, and my heart sank into my stomach because I knew what she was doing.
“Why are you even entertaining her, when you know you could have a real woman like me? She’s nothing compared to me.”
I didn’t even stick around to find out what he said. I ran back to the bathroom and held myself up for just a few moreminutes, trying to fight off the tears that were burning behind my eyes. When I returned to him, all I wanted to do was go home and cry myself to sleep because even though I knew exactly what game she was playing, her words hit me right in the center of my chest. Her words had their intended effect, making me doubt if I was good enough for him.
I tried to hide how I felt for the rest of the night, but he saw right through my facade. After dinner, we went for a walk along the beach behind my house, and found our secret hiding spot. He held me in his arms all night, as we talked about nothing and everything.
His hands on my waist and his soothing words made me feel beautiful in his eyes, and for the rest of the night, I tuned out everything else and just focused on him.
For a couple months, I was cautious of other girls, but nothing happened. I thought I might finally be in the clear, all set for graduation and our future together, until I heard what he said about me behind my back.
I pull myself back to reality as I hear the loud echo of Brayden’s laugh as he talks with Brandon in the front seat of the car. They have no idea of the thoughts swirling inside my brain in regards to their best friend.
We pull into the driveway of my parents’ house, and I’m instantly taken back to my childhood. Nights of sitting at the table eating dinner with my family, nights crowded on the couch, all snuggled in while we watched movies and ate popcorn, baking all sorts of treats and goodies with my mom and Lainey. It all comes back to me in a rush, and I have to suck in a breath to stop myself from tearing up.
It’s been almost a year and a half since I’ve been home, since I’ve stepped foot into this house and seen my family.
Before I can even make it to the front door, my mompulls it open and comes running down the driveway toward me with her arms spread wide open. “My beautiful baby, I’ve missed you so much.”
