“I didn’t fight. I disassociated. It was all I could do. I did unspeakable things, and for what? Ultimately, I failed at my assignment. I was supposed to get close to Guillermo, get the information needed to close him down, and get out. The worst part is, there were times when being with him, being passed to his men, it excited my body, even if my brain screamed against it. I ended up as his whore.”
He raised a hand to cradle her skull, drawing her face up to his. His lips pressed to hers. “Glennon, you are not a whore. You did what you did to survive. Remember, you said that your profile showed your sexual inclinations made you a good mark for him. Degradation kink in the BDSM world wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the war between the brain and the body. You need to remember that those actions were without your consent.”
“But I stayed. And staying means I allowed it.”
“No,” he asserted. “You did not consent to being raped and shared among a group of men.”
“I took the assignment knowing I did it with a singular objective in mind. Any. Means. Necessary. I didn’t just sleep with a mark for a night or two. I can’t pass this off as a one-night stand, a kink to downplay as an aberration, and something to never do again. I slept in his bed every night. I was weeks away from taking those marriage vows with that monster.”
“Under duress,” he emphasized. “Traumatic bonding.”
“People won’t understand. I can’t even explain my actions to anyone because I won’t be able to talk about why I did it.”
“Glennon, you haven’t been in the country for ten years. By your own admission, you haven’t spoken to your parents in over that length of time. You could settle anywhere. Make up any past for yourself you like. You said it yourself. You can’t explain your actions, so in turn, how would anyone know about them? It’s not like the CIA is going to take out an advertisement to denounce you. Even if they tried, you owe no one any explanations.”
He could feel her self-directed rage for not getting the job done years ago. What he couldn’t understand was how the CIA left her in that position for so long. When the information she provided didn’t allow them to move forward, why keep her there?
His fingers itched to get on his laptop and dig further into the reports. He’d looked at hers, but that’s all he’d hadtime for. What he needed were the analysts’ reports with their recommendations. Particularly, their impressions of her psychological state.
And his heart was breaking at her sense of failure. Not for herself. For failing her family, who didn’t deserve her, based on their rejection of her. For failing her brother, someone who didn’t appreciate her. Who used and abused her attempts to help him.
Taking the assignment would have seemed like a good idea at the time. A means to assuage the guilt she carried over something she had no responsibility for in the first place.
Now she was holding onto that guilt because it was all she knew.
“Don’t you dare take this guilt any further into your heart,” he warned. “Tripoli’s fiancée worked for the FBI. Her boss went bad. Hung her out to dry. I learned from her situation that when an agent goes undercover, their handlers are their only lifeline. Your people let you down, not the other way around,” he explained. “Their abandonment of you forced you into a corner. To make impossible choices. What else were you to do?”
Her voice was muffled, but he understood what she said. “Why are you acting like this?”
“Like what?”
“You should be pushing me away. Disgusted.”
“That’s how I should feel? Don’t do that. Stop worrying about what you believe others think you should feel. All that matters is how you actually feel, and I think, inside, you know you had no other options.”
She didn’t speak.
“You need rest. That was the whole reason we stopped tonight. Hopefully, now that you’ve made this first step forward to purge it, you can accept it for what it was. An incredibly brave act requiring a huge sacrifice.”
He pulled her face out of his chest. She needed to hear this. She needed to understand that what he said was true.
“Painful as tonight was for you, you needed to get this shit out. Not gonna lie, it was hard to hear, but I’m glad you told me. To know that you trust me enough to do that. When we get home, my friends and I will do everything we can to help you, whatever that means. The bulk of them are law enforcement, so they have resources. And I promise you, I will stay with you to ensure you feel safe and secure.
“You also need to understand, I care about you. I’m pissed as fuck at the situation you were in. If Guillermo and his army of assholes arrived right now, I’d be tempted to tear each of their heads off with my bare hands. But never—” His vocal register went lower to try to impress the seriousness of what he said. “Never at any point in time am I mad at the decisions you made to stay alive, or disgusted with you. I’m proud of you for staying alive.”
He stroked her hair. “Sleep, Glennon. We’ll be on the move again soon.”
Several minutes passed before her breathy, tired voice reached him. “Thank you, Triumph.”
Sleep for him wouldn’t come. It should have been exhaustive to him, even though he hadn’t experienced it directly. But his mind wouldn’t shut down, so he watched her sleep instead. Each rise and fall of her chest was one breath closer to healing.
She wasn’t doing well right now, but she was a fighter, even if she didn’t believe it.
She felt a great deal of guilt, mostly for things she shouldn’t, but time created distance, and with help, she’d gain a better perspective.
Her self-worth was shit. However, he would make it his goal to give her what she needed. To show her just how worthy she was.
A brief flash of concern pierced him as he thought of the heavy makeout session they’d engaged in. He worried that later she’d feel like he’d taken advantage of her.
