She sounded a little hurt, and I felt awful. Her wedding was not the place I wanted to discuss this with her, but I owed it to her. She was my best friend, and this was sort of something pretty big happening in my life.
I sighed. “I didn’t lie, not technically, anyway. Wearefriends, I mean, we were. It’s just…” I stopped when we approached Rylee.
“Hey, Rylee! How are you, love?” I was all too eager to change the conversation and Fallon knew it too. She scowled at me, but I ignored her as I ran up to Rylee and gave her a hug that was probably a little too long, trying to draw out the moment.
She laughed into the hug. “I’m good, sweets. You look amazing, Dre. And Fallon, my God, if you were straight, you would definitely be getting pregnant tonight!”
Fallon couldn’t hide her laugh. “I can almost guarantee Roxxy said the exact same thing to Mackenzie, but thanks. Where do you want us?”
“Could you guys turn away from the camera? I would love for you both to be holding the bouquet between you.”
We did as Rylee asked, and I knew the pictures were going to turn out beautifully.
“Don’t think I forgot about our conversation earlier. What is it you two are doing? You clearly aren’t just friends, babe. Are you just existing together?” She raised her eyebrows, emphasizing the words I always spoke when asked about what Skylar and I were doing. She was quiet for a few poses, and I honestly thought she was going to drop it. I guess I was wrong.
“We were friends. Wearefriends, but…” I just couldn’t find the words to label what we were doing. I knew what it looked like and what it felt like, but something stopped me every time I tried to say the words out loud.
“Dre, you know you can talk to me.” Her voice was so calm and devoid of any judgment. I couldn’t hide it from her. We were family, and family didn’t keep things from each other.
I sighed. “You know me, I’m not one to put a label on things. I like her… Ireallylike her, Fal.”
“I do know you, and I can see how you two are together when you think no one is watching. I saw the way you looked at her when we were all dancing. I know you thought no one was paying attention, but of course we were. She’s the first woman you’ve brought around since Skylar, and we can see why. She was the only person in the room in your eyes, wasn’t she?”
I remained quiet. I couldn’t admit it out loud, least of all to myself. She wasn’t wrong. Blair was something to me I was scared to define. I was scared it would go away, and I didn’t want it to. Like saying how I felt out loud would somehow jinx everything and it would disappear.
“I just want you to be happy, babe.”
Fallon’s eyes started to get damp, and I wanted to push her down into the grass. “Don’t cry, you bitch, or I’ll start to cry.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, sniffling while she wiped away her tears. “I’ve just never seen you like this over someone before, not even Skylar. I know you loved her, but you weren’t in love with her. If you were, you would’ve left with her and gone to New York without giving it a second thought. I’m not pressuring you to label anything with Blair, but I can see things are different. I can see she really means something to you.”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t have the guts to say what I should have known from the beginning. Instead, I smiled as Rylee continued our pictures.
“Okay, guys. That should be enough.”
We thanked her and linked arms as we headed back to the party.
“Do you love her?” Her question caused me to stop fidgeting with my dress and look up at her.
That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? I cared for her deeply. I would have done anything for her. My life was better because she was in it. When she wasn’t around, I didn’t feel like I was truly living life; I was just existing in it. Like I was an NPC in a video game, waiting for the player to interact with me.
I took a deep breath and sighed, too tired to come up with a lie. “I’m scared,” I whispered. “You know I didn’t have the best role models for love growing up. If my parents, who had four children together, couldn’t love eachother enough to work it out, then I can’t see why I deserve anything different. What if I fuck it up and lose everything?”
I’d never spoken the words out loud before, and if anyone knew the dynamic of shitty parents, it was Fallon. Still, I was relieved when she didn’t press for more details and just pulled me in for a hug.
“Babe, I love you, and I understand where you’re coming from. It’s scary, giving up a part of yourself when you can’t guarantee it will be treasured, but you are not your parents. Just please promise me, whatever is going on with you two, you will embrace it and be honest. You deserve to be happy, and that’s all I want for you.” Fallon laid her head on my shoulder.
“I never said ‘I love you.’” The admission came out in a whisper. So low, in fact, I couldn’t be sure she heard me.
“What? What are you talking about, Dre? There’s still time. I mean, if that’s how?—”
“To Skylar. I never said ‘I love you’ to Skylar. I wanted to. I cared about her so much, and I wanted to love her. I wanted those feelings for her. The way I feel about Blair, God, I really wanted to feel them for Skylar, Fal, I really did.”
The look on her face was pure shock, and all I could do was shrug. I hated being so vulnerable. Even with my best friend, it was still difficult sometimes. “Wow. I… I had no idea. I saw the two of you together, and how long you were together, and just assumed you loved her.”
I shrugged. “I know. I wish it would’ve been that simple, but then I wouldn’t have gotten to know Blair, and…”
“And fallen in love with her?” she asked.
