He still called me his friend. After everything I’d done to him. After all of my troubles. He still considered me a friend. He showed up right away when I called him, too, with no questions asked.
What kind of boy could be so gentle with a girl who was so cruel?
I didn’t deserve him.
I wasn’t certain anyone deserved a boy like Ashish Banks.
We sat on the top step near each other and didn’t say anything for a while, until I built up the courage to say what I should’ve said to him weeks ago. “I’m so sorry, Ash. I’m sorry for being a crappy friend and treating you like dirt. I just... I don’t know what I’m doing,” I confessed. “I don’t know how to do this life thing anymore, it seems, and I’m just so sorry for everything I’ve done.”
He gave me his goofy, sweet smile and nudged me in the arm. “Hey, it’s OK. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s your first time being alive,” he joked.
I loved him for being the friend I needed and the friend I wasn’t sure I even deserved.
I missed him, too, even though he was right beside me.
It was hard to believe that just a few months ago, I didn’t know a boy like him existed, and now, I was certain I’d never forget him for the rest of my life.
“You’re really moving,” I said.
He nodded. “I’m really moving.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“I already miss you.”
Butterflies.
I wanted to tell him about the butterflies. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to tell him that he was my best friend and my favorite crush. I wanted to tell him that some of the only thoughts that made my heart skip over the past few weeks were thoughts of him. I wanted to tell him he was becoming my favorite person. I wanted to tell him everything I felt for him.
But I became too nervous. My heartbeats grew too shy. Besides, why would I tell him that? My life was in shambles. Any true feelings Ash might have had for me were probably long gone after my breakdown. Plus, he deserved someone not as broken as me.
“We’ll keep in touch,” he promised me. “We can talk every night, if you want to. And I’ll be back to visit my dad sometimes.”
I nodded. “Yeah. Totally. Maybe I can come visit you, too.”
We were quiet for a few minutes, but I realized that was OK. Sometimes the best moments were the ones where words weren’t needed. Being quiet with Ash was easy.
After a few minutes, Ash reached into the front pocket of his sweatshirt and pulled out the broken pieces of his toy truck.
I gasped at the sight of it. “What happened?”
“I got upset with my dad and threw it. It broke into pieces.”
“Geez, Ash... I’m so sorry. I know how important that was to you.”
“It’s OK. Not a big deal.” He placed the pieces on my porch. “I’m sadder about losing you, actually.”
Oh, Ashish Banks...
My heart was his and he didn’t even know it.
“I’ll spend summers and some holidays with my dad still. So I’ll be able to visit you. And I’ll call all the time, if you want me to,” Ash said.
“Yes,” I agreed. “Call all the time.” I chewed on the collar of my T-shirt. “And maybe my dad will let me come visit North Carolina sometime. We can be long-distance best friends.” Just saying those words gave me a bit of hope that I needed. I wasn’t ready to lose him, to lose the friendship we’d been building over the past few months.
Life felt so dull before Ash came into my life. He added color. I wasn’t ready to lose that—I wasn’t ready to let him go.
He looked down at the toy truck. “I’m sorry you’re still sad.”
