I swallowed hard. “Listen, Dad, I—”
“Before the principal called you into the office to join the conversation, he told me about a party that happened over the weekend. He showed me a video of your friend Karla beingattacked. Is that why you hit that boy? Because he bullied your friend?”
I lowered my head. “She’s my best friend, Dad. I couldn’t just let them treat her like that.”
He stayed quiet. He kept gripping the steering wheel. I halted my breaths. I watched his hands. They loosened. They relaxed. He said, “Ashish?”
“Yes, Dad?”
He turned to face me, put his hands against my shoulders, and spoke words that I did not expect him to say. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”
***
A few days after the fight at school, I sat at the dining room table with both of my parents. It had been a week since the incident with Karla took place, and I still hadn’t recovered fully from it. Greyson had checked her into a mental health clinic to make sure she wouldn’t spiral too much.
I was still so scared for her, and I struggled to sleep. It looked like my parents hadn’t been sleeping, either. I wondered if they had nightmares, too.
Maa held my hand as we sat at the table. Dad kept his hands to himself as he talked about the next plans for our family.
“North Carolina?” I gasped, as if I’d heard my parents wrong. “What? No.”
Maa smiled at me, but it was the saddest smile I’d ever seen. She nodded her head. “Yes. I think it will be best for us, Ashish, to get you into a new environment. Plus, your aunt Josie said you and I can stay with her while we get on our feet and—”
“You’re not coming?” I barked toward Dad, confused by all this. Wait... What was happening?
Dad shook his head. “No. I have work here, and North Carolina doesn’t have the same opportunities as Chicago does for me, Ash. Also, my new partner, Chase, is just getting the hang of working with me. Plus... I can’t sell our house. This is the last place that Rian...” His words faded away. He couldn’t leave Rian behind, not the last pieces of him. But he was OK leaving me? He cleared his throat. “But you and your mom will be fine with her family down in North Carolina. I think this is best for us all.”
“Best for us or best foryou?” I sneered. “All you do is care about saving strangers’ lives but not your own family, and now you’re abandoning us because you don’t love us anymore? All because Rian died? Because you lost your favorite son? Well, I’m sorry,” I shouted, standing from my chair. “Is that what you want to hear, Dad? I’m sorry he’s dead. I’m sorry I wasn’t watching him. I’m sorry some jerks bullied him. I’m sorry, OK? I’m sorry for not being him. I’m sorry for ruining our lives.”
Dad’s eyes softened, and he shook his head. “Ashish, you didn’t ruin anyone’s life. Life just happens, and it happened to us. Your mother and I both think this is the best option at this time.”
Maa’s eyes told a different story, though. They were packed with a sadness that hurt my own heart.
“Do you, Maa? You want him to stay here? You want to move to North Carolina?” I questioned.
“I...” her voice shook, and she closed her eyes for a moment to take a breath. “I see him in everything here, Ashish. I see your brother on every street corner, in every coffee shop we used to visit. The streets of Chicago are imprinted with him, and it’s hard for me to exist here. And if I’m not existing, that means I’m not being the parent you need me to be. I think North Carolina could be a great new start for us both.”
“But what about Dad?” I asked quietly. “Don’t you want him, too? I know this year has sucked and has been hard, but don’t you still love each other? You used to love each other. I swear, you made me believe in love. This can’t be it. This can’t just... we can’t stop being a family. Please? Please?” I begged, feeling my chest burn from the realization that the little bit of family that I had left was dying right in front of me.
I couldn’t believe what was happening.
North Carolina?
No. That was a place where we used to visit and talk about how we loved our home in Chicago. It was a place we were always happy to leave, because we were meant for the Windy City. Chicago was home. And it felt like the only thing I had that made me feel close to Rian still. This whole North Carolina thing felt like a hit-and-run. Something that came out of nowhere, and I was struggling with accepting it all. I was hit with whiplash, and it felt unsettling.
Maa looked over to Dad, and he locked his eyes with hers. All I saw was sadness in the both of them. But it looked like the kind of sadness that even words couldn’t express. It felt... hopeless. Empty.
Dad looked away first. He always looked away first lately. I wondered if he saw Rian in Maa’s eyes, too.
“Now listen, Ash. This has already been decided. Your mother has already applied for a nursing position in North Carolina, and I set up movers to come pack up your things in two weeks. This isn’t up for discussion.”
“So you’re just going to uproot my whole life because you both can’t face being around each other?” I shouted as my rage built more and more. Or maybe it was sadness cosplaying as rage. It was hard to tell sometimes. “I hate you! I hate you both so much for this!”
I stormed off to my bedroom and slammed the door. I reached into my sweatshirt pocket and pulled out the toy truck and threw it at the wall. It broke into pieces. It got scratched up, too. I instantly felt bad for letting my anger break the one thing that made me feel whole. I gathered up the broken pieces and held them tightly in my hands. Then I collapsed onto my bed and sobbed against the red toy truck.
I’m sorry, Rian. I’m sorry, Rian. I’m so fucking sorry.
26Ash
