Probably because she was a whore.
Probably because she was a terrible human who didn’t care that my family was grieving.
Tears welled in my eyes as I repeated myself. “Oh my God!YouandEleanor?!” I hissed, rage flaring out of my voice. “How could you?” I asked Dad, feeling the deepest level of betrayal. “How could you do that to Mom?” I sobbed before hurrying off toward my bedroom.
By the time Dad reached my room, I’d already slammed the door and pressed my body against it. Dad was calling out for me, and when he tried to open the door, I blocked his entry with my body, shoving the door shut. “Go away!” I shouted as tears spilled down my face. I could hardly breathe as I began to fall into a panic attack.
How long had they been messing around with each other?
Is that why Ellie could get away with so much that other nannies couldn’t?
Why couldn’t I just be with Mom again?
I want to be with Mom.
“Karla... it’s not what you think,” Dad tried to swear.
Did he think I was an idiot? “Oh, so you weren’t just cuddled up in bed with the freaking nanny?!” I shouted.
“Karla? It’s me, Eleanor,” Ellie said, clearly standing beside Dad on the other side of my door.
“Go away, whore!” I screamed as tears kept streaming down my cheeks. She didn’t care about me at all. She was nothing more than a disgusting woman who ruined my family. And how could Dad do it? How could he betray Mom? How could he move on as if he hadn’t already had the love of his life? How could he heal from losing the one person who meant the world to us?
Ellie went back to speaking. “Karla, I know what you’re thinking, but—”
“You’re a liar! All you do is lie! You said you really cared about me, but you were just trying to get to my dad. You don’t care about me or Lorelai at all.”
“That’s not true.” Ellie sighed.
I flung the door open and crossed my arms as I breathed heavily. “Look me in the eyes, then. If you’re not a liar, look me in the eyes and tell me that you two haven’t hooked up at all since you started working here.”
They stayed quiet.
My heart shattered.
I began shaking more as I pushed my door closed. “Just go away! I hate you both. I hate you. I hate you...” I sobbed, sliding down the back of my door and curling into a ball. They stopped trying to enter the room. Good. I didn’t want them anywhere near me. I didn’t want anyone near me. I didn’t want to live in this stupid world anymore. All I wanted was my mom. I needed my mom. I couldn’t breathe without her love. I couldn’t be happy with her gone. I couldn’t exist in a world where she no longer lived.
I wanted my mommy.
I wanted to be where she was.
Mom.
I need you.
Please.
Come back.
But I knew she wouldn’t. So I went to the only place I knew where I could feel close to her again. I went to the cemetery.
And right at her tombstone, I fell to my knees. I clawed at the dirt, pounding my fists against the solid ground, begging her to let me join her on the other side.
She didn’t answer me.
So I sobbed even more.
23Ash
