Dad looked toward Ellie with the softest stare, and Ellie released a sigh and said, “Promise.”
***
After I showered and washed my hair three times over, Ellie stopped by my room to check in on me.
“Hey, you OK?” she asked with a gentle knock on my door.
“You’d be surprised at how hard it is to get the smell of raw meat out of your hair,” I murmured.
“Karla, what those kids did to you was beyond disturbing. I know your father is going to speak to the principal, but is there anything I can do right now? Anything I can do for you?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m fine.”
“OK, well, if you need anything, just let me know. You have my number, and you can wake me up at any time. I’m here for you.”
My bottom lip twitched a little. “Thanks.”
“Always.”
“You’re not just faking it because it’s your job, are you? You really, actually care about us, huh?”
She softly laughed. “More than you know. Try to get some sleep.”
“Will do. And Ellie?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you,” I said, running my hand through my hair. “You know, for bringing my dad with you to pick me up. I really needed him there. I needed you both.”
Ellie’s eyes glassed over, and she was doing that thing she always did. She was getting emotional. “Can I give you a hug?”
“No, probably not,” I flatly replied. I didn’t want her to hug me, because it would’ve felt like comfort. And while I was letting Ellie in, I still felt uncomfortable about how much I’d been letting her in. It was like she was... Mom. She wasn’t, but she did motherly things. I felt guilty for wanting Ellie’s love, because it felt like a betrayal at times to Mom. And if Mom couldn’t hug me, Ellie shouldn’t have been able to either.
After Ellie left my room, I headed straight to my closet and sat in there, wishing Mom was there to hold me. Wishing I could tell her how sad and broken I felt. Wishing I could apologize to her for not only liking Ellie but kind of starting tolove her. I wanted to apologize for feeling safe with her. What would Mom have thought if she knew I was making pinky promises with a woman who wasn’t her?
I hated how my mind felt so heavy and guilty over everything. I hated that I couldn’t shut off the noises in my head that made me feel as if I was worthless. I hated that even though the smell of rotten food was gone, it still lingered somehow beneath my nostrils.
I hated how hard life felt.
I hated how lonely it seemed.
I hated that Ash wasn’t my friend anymore, either.
I hated so much, and I couldn’t stop crying in the closet as I sprayed Mom’s favorite perfume against my skin just to feel as if she were wrapping her arms around me.
After a short period of crying, there was a knock on my closet door. “Karla?” a tiny voice said. I opened the door to see Lorelai standing there with her stuffed animal Ms.Maisie in her arms.
I smiled a little. “Hey, squirt.”
“Can Ms.Maisie sleep in the closet with you again?” she yawned. “I think you might need her to take your sad away tonight.”
That made my eyes mist up, because Lorelai was the closest thing I had to feeling Mom’s love. She was like Mom in so many ways, and she didn’t even know it. Gentle. Caring. Filled with love.
“I’d love for you and Ms.Maisie to stay with me tonight, yeah.”
Her eyes lit up as if she was surprised that she was invited, too. She climbed into my lap, and we lay down together. We cuddled up for a while, then Lorelai said, “Karla?”
“Yes, Lorelai?”
