And one day, after one too many bullies at school, after accidentally tripping and falling in the hallway in front of my old friends, and after having an awful back pain shooting through me, seeing happy Ellie was the last thing I wanted to witness. And she was always happy.
When Ellie picked me up that afternoon, she was standing outside of the car, looking like a goddess who was sunbathing in her perfect sundress. She smiled my way, waved as I walked in her direction, and asked me how I was.
And I finally snapped.
“Will you stop asking me that stupid question?!” I shouted, the back of my voice stinging from irritation. “I’m bad! I’m always bad!”
Ellie’s eyes flashed with concern as her hand moved to her chest. “Oh, gosh. Karla. I’m so sorry. How can I help?”
“You can’t.” No one could. But leave it to Ellie to keep freaking trying.
“Maybe if we—”
“You don’t get it!” I hollered at Ellie, feeling the rage building up more and more as I screamed her way. “You went and told Dad about Ash being my friend and you made it weird! I thought that was something between us and you betrayed me! You’re just so annoying all the time with your nice-girl thing, and it pisses me off!”
“Oh,” Ellie quietly said, guilt sitting heavily in her eyes.
“Yeah,” I huffed. “Oh.”
I didn’t know what else to say, and I could tell Ellie noticed that. She stepped in closer to me and gave me the sincerest expression. “I’m sorry I betrayed your trust, Karla, by tellingyour father about Ash. It wasn’t my place to do such a thing, and I’m sorry if it crossed too many boundaries. But I was just excited for the idea of you making yourself a great friend. When I was a kid and went through such a hard time, my saving grace was a person who befriended me. I just wanted you to have that same kind of connection. A good friend can save a life. A great one can make life worth living. That’s what happened for me. I started living again.”
I grimaced but stayed quiet.
I hated that she was right, because there was a part of me that was excited about the idea of Ash. I was excited about the fact that someone saw me, scars and all, and still wanted to get to know me. Wanted to be around me. Wanted to be my friend.
Outside of Brian’s random hellos in the hallway, I was failing on the friend front.
And then came Ash.
The odd, handsome boy with an odd, kind smile.
“It doesn’t matter, though. I can only see Ash at school, and we only have lunch and one class together,” I told her. That didn’t seem like enough time to build a friendship.
“Maybe Ash can come over a few nights to hang out,” Ellie offered. “I’ll talk to your dad.”
“Dad wouldn’t let that happen. Especially since I’m grounded. He’s a hard-ass.”
“Karla!” Ellie remarked. “Don’t call your dad a hard-ass.” She leaned in and whispered, “Even though he is a bit of a hard-ass. Leave him to me. I’ll make him come around to the idea.”
I wanted to doubt her abilities, but then again, I thought she’d be fired a long time ago. Clearly, Ellie had some kind of superpower when it came to dealing with my father. Power that other nannies couldn’t tap into.
We got into the car, picked up Lorelai, and drove home.
I ate dinner with Ellie and my little sister that night. Lorelai set a spot for Mom and Dad, like she always did. Lorelai then proceeded to talk to Mom as if she was there.
As usual, that made me sad.
I didn’t know if it made me sad for Lorelai or for myself, but it always made me sad to see Lorelai make believe that Mom was still alive. I wished I could imagine such a world, but instead I only noticed the places where she was missing.
That evening after I headed to bed, Ellie stopped in my room to say good night. As she turned to leave, I called out to her.
“Ellie?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry for yelling. I’m working on that.”
She tilted her head and gave me a sympathetic grin. “It’s OK. Sometimes yelling is warranted. Especially when Girl Code is broken. Good night.”
