“What do you mean, ‘Hey, son’? Maa, what are you doing back in Chicago? What are you doing in this house?”
She glanced around the kitchen and then back to me. “Maybe we should sit in the family room.”
Those words rushed through my brain. I hadn’t set foot in that room since Rian passed away.
I shook my head. “We can go to the living room to talk.”
She agreed. We headed to the living room and sat on the sofa. I was still so perplexed at why she was at the house. She must’ve seen the confusion on my face because she began to explain. “Greyson East showed up to my house two days ago in North Carolina. We had a heart-to-heart about some hard things. We talked about him losing his first wife, and I talked about losing Rian and your father...” Her words trailed off slightly. “I mean, I know your father and I were not together when he passed away, but—”
“You still lost him.”
“Yes.” She smiled a sad grin. “I still lost him. I think I lost myself well before that, too.” She shook her head. “I loved your father so much, Ash. But after Rian died, I struggled. Your father wanted to hold on to your brother’s memory. I wanted to let Rian go, because it was too heavy. I couldn’t breathe, and it felt like your father was drowning me in the memories of him. So I pushed him away. I was broken, and I pushed the love of my life away because I wasn’t brave enough to heal.”
“Maa... what are you getting at?”
“I have a lot of regrets in my life, but the two biggest were me pushing you and your father away. My biggest regret was not loving you both enough through my grief, and now that’s something I have to live the rest of my life with, that guilt. If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve leaned into your father and never let him go. I would’ve held you tighter, too. I would’ve been better.”
“We were all just doing the best we knew how to do, Maa. I don’t blame you.”
“You should. I wasn’t a mother to you or a wife to your father. I wasn’t even a friend. You both deserved more from me, and I am sorry that I wasn’t there the way I should’ve been for you.”
I nodded, taking her words to heart. “Thank you, Maa.”
She placed a hand on my knee. “Greyson told me about your relationship with his daughter. Do you love her, Ashish?”
“I do.”
“Then you need to do the opposite of what I did, son. You need to lean into Karla with your fears, and you need to let her lean into you with hers. You both need to catch each other. You can’t run forever, Ash. Trust me... your feet will tire, and you’ll be left all alone. Don’t be like me. Don’t be left alone.”
I pulled her into a hug. “You don’t have to be left alone either, Maa. I’ll do better with you, too. I got you. You can lean into me.”
That was when she began to cry against my shoulder. I held her as long as she needed me to. After about five minutes, she took a step away from me and gathered herself. “Everything’s exactly as it was before I left. Nothing has been moved.”
“Yeah... I kind of wanted to keep it exactly as Dad had it. It felt like honoring his memory.”
She smiled at me and looked up in the direction of the staircase. “Do you know after your brother died, I never set foot in his bedroom? I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, no matter how hard I tried.”
“Same here, Maa. And trust me, I’ve tried a lot.”
She took a deep breath. “Will you go in there with me? I think maybe it’s time.”
My nerves skyrocketed as her request settled into my mind. I was terrified to see inside of Rian’s world after all this time, but I knew that Mom needed it. I kind of felt as if I did, too.
“Let’s do it,” I said, walking toward the staircase. She followed in my steps. I stood in front of Rian’s door, my heart pounding rapidly in my chest. My hand fell to the doorknob. I released a weighted sigh.
And I turned the knob.
The moment we walked into the bedroom, both of our eyes teared up. It felt like we had stepped into a time capsule and returned to over a decade ago. Rian’s world had come back to life, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
A part of me thought about leaving. A bigger part of me wanted to stay for hours.
Maa walked around the space, touching each of Rian’s toy car collection. She flipped through his old notebooks and old photos of us he had taped to his wall.
I picked up one of his black hoodies, then grabbed one of his photo albums that was filled with many of the photographs that Rian took throughout the years.
Maa cried.
I cried, too.
