I paused my steps.
I still didn’t look back at her.
“Karla. I swear, it’s not you.”
“Oh,” she said, this time even with more hurt. “Yes. Sorry. I understand.”
The tone of her voice proved that she didn’t exactly understand, though. The tone of her voice proved that she completelymisunderstood. If she understood, she wouldn’t sound so sad. As if she believed she did something wrong, which was a ridiculous concept, because she could never do anything wrong.
Her heart wasn’t made for that concept, and I was certain it never would be.
So I forced myself to turn around to meet her stare. Not for me, but for her well-being.
“It wasn’t you, Karla,” I whispered. “You are perfect.” Shewas. “But I promise, this is about me.” Even though I tried to push off how bad my past day had been, it was seeping out of my system. Most people wouldn’t have noticed. But Karla saw it.
She nodded at my response, and I hated that I’d turned to look her in the eyes. Because that forced me to see the tears in hers. That forced her to see my eyes, too. Which was bad, because the moment I noticed her teary eyes was the same exact moment she noticed mine. And when I saw that she was sad, all I wanted to do was swallow up her hurt and take it on as my own. Because I’d want to cry every tear for the rest of my life if it meant she never had to cry another. Besides, I was used to sad lately.
Sad was something I could handle.
She took a step toward me. “Ash—”
“Stop,” I begged, the word getting jumbled in my throat. I shut my eyes and held a pausing hand in her path. “Please, Karla,” I choked out. “Just let me go tonight.”
I couldn’t hear her footsteps anymore because she respected my request.
I swallowed a few breaths before I made it to the door to leave. There were only a few more steps for me to take before Karla called out my name. I stopped walking, but I didn’t turn to look at her.
I listened to her footsteps growing closer to me. Each one made my soul shiver from anticipation.
Her hand gently touched my back.
My whole body relaxed from that touch. How did she do that? Relax me and drive my mind into overdrive all at once?
I still didn’t turn to look at her.
I couldn’t.
If I looked at her one more time, I wouldn’t be able to leave, and I needed to leave.Now.
“What did it feel like for you, when you first saw me again?”she asked with her hand still on my back. “What did it feel like for you?”
I inhaled deeply and choked on the hesitant exhalation. “Like my very first breath in years.” I lowered my head as her hand stayed placed against my back. “What about for you?”
There was a moment of silence from her before she shared her thoughts.
“Home,” she replied as her fingers slowly slipped away from my back. “It felt like home.”
I didn’t say another word.
I left her standing on the rooftop. I headed downstairs and left her apartment. I drove back to my place. I sat in my darkened house. I sat across from Rian’s bedroom door, but I didn’t open it. I never opened it.
I mentally beat myself up for being scared. I shamed myself for walking away from Karla that night, because it felt like that for me, too.
She felt like home.
***
After my last time hanging out with Karla, I became shockingly busy whenever she reached out to me. I didn’t completely ignore her text messages. I responded, though with very short, simple responses. When she asked me how I was, I said good. When she asked me what I was up to, I said not too much. I didn’t dive into any details, and I wondered if she was wondering why I was being so short.
