I couldn’t allow him back into my world when he’d made such a rushed decision to remove me from his. Fool me once, shame on him, but fool me twice...
“Yeah, of course. Sorry for taking up your evening.” Hewalked over to the front door and unbolted the lock, then grabbed the handle and opened it. The rain was still a downpour, and Ash grabbed his navy jacket to cover his head on his way out.
I grabbed my large black umbrella that I’d set in the metal tin beside the door when I arrived earlier that morning from visiting my grandmother. “Here. Stay dry.”
“Oh, no.I can’t take—”
“I live upstairs. I won’t even have to go outside again tonight. Plus, I have another one upstairs. Take it.”
“Thank you, Karla,” he said sincerely.
He was so grown up. So handsome in all the ways I remembered him to be, but now just... more. He was more mature. His voice was deeper, with a silky, smooth tone to it like my favorite whiskey. He was taller and built like a man who’d spent hours upon hours inside a gym weight lifting. That was definitely new. The way his biceps appeared to be the size of my head was something I took notice of. His deep chestnut skin held the warmth of a million summer suns. Still, there was something different in his eyes. Hints of sadness that I couldn’t exactly place quite yet.
I wondered if others noticed that shadow of sadness, too, or if I simply had the skill to pick up on the darkness that lurked around others, seeing as how I’d lived in the dark for so very long.
My heart wanted to ask him if he was OK.
My brain forbade me to cross that line.
Ash glanced around the bookshop one last time before giving me a soft smile that felt more like a frown. “I know it doesn’t matter to hear it from me, but I’m proud of what you’ve created. I’m proud of you for achieving your dreams.”
“Thank you.”
He nodded once.
A million questions raced through my head as I looked at him. How was his heart? Was it still beating? Did he fall in love? Did he fall out of love? Was he happy? Did he laugh often? Did he love his job, or just take on that role to honor his father? Was he single? Did he still walk through cemeteries? Was he lonely even when he was around others?
Did he miss me?
Did he think about me over the years the same way I thought about him?
“Good night,” he said.
“Good night.”
He stepped out into the pouring rain. He opened the umbrella, then turned toward me one last time and said, “You look good, Karla. You look happy. That makes me happy.” Then he went on his way.
After Ash left, I did what I promised myself I’d do each night after closing shop.
I danced. It helped me shake off the nerves from running into the one boy who once made me feel as if I was lovable. I danced away the anxiety. I danced away the panic sitting in my chest. I was certain that was what Mom would’ve wanted me to do. Sometimes, I’d dance around as if she was there with me, too. I never moved fast, as my body didn’t always allow it, but still, I moved.
I dimmed the lights low, then placed a record on the record player. Leon Bridges’s “River” was the vibe of the evening. I then poured myself a glass of wine and began dancing down the aisles of the bookshelves. There were hundreds of books among the shelves. Hundreds of stories packed with thousands of people—both main characters and side characters.Hundreds of stories, thousands of emotions, millions of tears and heartbeats. And they all lived within a little world crafted by me.
My safe haven.
As I danced around the store, I tried my best to erase the interaction with Ash from my mind, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him and his eyes.
Those flashes of his sad, sad eyes.
38Ash
Why did I think it was all right for me to walk back into Karla’s life as if I didn’t disappear from her world all those years before? Something about running into her made it hard for me to want to stay away.
When I moved back to Chicago, I wanted to reach out to her. I missed her more than words could describe. But after my father’s passing, I’d struggled to find my footing again. If I was honest, I still wasn’t in the best mental state, but I had made peace with my demons. I learned to sit in my solitude. Work kept me busy most of the time and kept me from thinking about how lonely I actually was, but when I ran into Karla, all of our memories came rushing back to me.
When I showed up to that bookshop for the second time, I needed my mind to realize that it was really her I was seeing and not some made-up dream. I just needed one more look from her before I could move on again.
Unfortunately, seeing her unlocked the parts of my heart that I hoped not to explore. I felt a rush of emotions that I thought I’d buried simply by looking into her eyes. I didn’t know my heart knew how to skip so many beats still. And now that I’d opened that door, it was hard for me to shut it.
