What are you doing right now?
Annoyance sparks through me, heart pounding, on the defensive. Mom always had an uncanny sense for when I was breaking a rule, like she could put up her own psychic reader shingle.
But the tension in my shoulders softens when I remember she must be lonely in there. She just wants to be involved.
ruby.ocampo:
I’m at my boyfriend’s condo!
And then, anticipating what she’d say about me sleeping over, I quickly add:
ruby.ocampo:
I came over for breakfast
And he told me to hang out here while he runs some errands, isn’t that sweet?
I wince—old habits die hard. I’m editing myself like I would when she was alive.
When I was in New York and we talked on the phone once a week, she’d ask forall my news,like only updates showing my steady forward progress could make her happy. She didn’t want to hearI stayed in binge-watching TV in my underwear againorI can’t remember anything that happened at work this week, it’s all a blur of screen glow and light back pain.So I gave her onlythe most creatively curated updates. I’d paint a selective portrait of every guy I dated, designed for her to approve of him. Sometimes I’d find myself believing it, to the point where I’d lose track of how I really felt. And I’d avoid her calls altogether when I didn’t have enough cheery news to share.
I walk around the condo taking photos for her: the spacious kitchen with its chrome appliances and marble countertops, the fridge filled with chilled bottles of Evian. The minimalist decor in the living room, the leather couch, the art on the walls that makes me wonder if Mark Winterson paid someone to pick it out for him. The polished hardwood stairs and the ocean view from his bedroom.
sampaguita72:
Wowww very very nice Ruby
Beautiful home!
Not like in here, so plain
Goosebumps rise along my arms. Whatisit like in Slack? What can she see? What did she say the other day, when I was talking to Erica?
Why don’t you wear a more colorful top? Maybe put some flowers in your cubicle so they show up in your background?
Wait.
ruby.ocampo:
Mom, can you see Zoom in there?
sampaguita72:
Oh yes, it starts projecting on one wall every time you have a meeting
I cringe, thinking back on all the awkward calls she’s had to sit through.
sampaguita72:
You were right, by the way
I blink a few times. I can’t quite process that combination of words, coming from her.
sampaguita72:
Erica really isn’t very nice
That message makes my eyes water. I reread it again and again, trying to absorb this thing I was starved to hear. It takes a while to sink in. And a question that’s been nagging at me makes its way past my fingers and onto the screen:
