We’re stuck right where we always end up. On a precipice where everything dangles in obscurity. Neither of us willing to take the plunge.
I start walking toward the door.
“Matteo….” Lindsay calls.
Something in her voice has me coming to a complete stop. Because I already know what she needs. I feel it innately within me. I count a beat, then two, before whirling around and walking up to her. When I place a hand under her chin to tilt her head up, she doesn’t stop me. She shuts her eyes against the inevitability of it. Waiting.
My lips land on hers. She gasps at the intrusion. Then she’s kissing me back with tentative strokes while I struggle with the need to devour her whole. I cup her cheek, pulling her closer as the kiss grows more heated, frenzied.
She whimpers against my mouth, her body growing pliant in my hold. I can hear a ringing in my ears, my heart pounding. There’s a sort of desperation to the kiss. Lindsay holds on to the front of my shirt, gripping it like she’ll never let go.
I kiss her like I’ll never stop and it could have gone on forever. But we both know it has to end. When I pull away, her lips are red and swollen. We’re both gasping for air. She stares at me with disbelieving wide eyes, and I completely understand the sentiment.
My cock is so hard, I can feel it pulsating to the rhythm of my uneven breaths.
I exhale a shaky breath before saying, “That was to make the world stop for a little while longer.”
She doesn’t reply, blue eyes staring into mine. It takes a great deal of effort for me to turn around and walk away. But I do. I leave and try pretend that even that didn’t matter.
The problem is, I’ve never been too good at playing pretend.
When I get home, my son is already changed and ready for bed. He’s flying a toy airplane around his room. I stand at the doorway, staring at him for a minute. He’s filled with so much joy and light.
I try to imagine my brothers and me like this. Sometimes it feels impossible that we were ever innocent kids, running around and playing. We grew up and became dangerous men.
The kind of men people refer to as monsters.
I wonder how my mother would feel about that. I wonder if my son will grow up to be like me, too. If he did, a part of me would be glad, because it means he’s strong enough to protect himself and the people he cares about.
Another part of me would be worried about his soul. Because once you choose my life, there’s a part of it you just never get back. And you have to be okay with that.
Leo is perfect as he is. I would hate for him to lose any part of himself.
“Hey, Dad.” Leo finally notices me, setting down the toy. “You’re late. I should have been in bed five minutes ago.”
“Sorry, champ. I got held up,” I say, walking into the room and reaching down to rub his cheek. “Had dinner?”
He nods, smiling. “Spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Brushed your teeth?”
“Yeah, and I even took a shower.”
“I’m proud of you, little man,” I tell him. “Now come on, let’s get you into bed. Would you like me to read anything?”
He shakes his head and then lets out a small, adorable yawn.
“I’m tired, Daddy. I’ll fall asleep quickly.”
My lips curl up in a smile, “Alright.”
I help him into his bed and place the covers above him, making sure they’re right beneath his chin.
“Where were you?” he asks, his voice small.
“With a princess.”
His eyes grow wide. “Does she live in a castle?”
