“But, anyway,” Bill says, returning to the bedroom, “she left you her piano.That was really thoughtful of her.”
“It was, yeah.”This time my smile isn’t empty.
I haven’t played piano in a while.I bought a keyboard when I was in college.I used to play to Philia and Cara in our dorm room.Today that’s just part of an old box of happy moments of another time, lost in a dusty garage.
“Where are you planning to put it?”he asks, looking around.
“Actually, I was thinking of taking it to Verryn, back to our apartment.I want to start playing again.”
“Oh.”He sounds surprised.“Okay.Well, we’ll have to figure out if we can find a moving van for the long trip.I don’t know if many companies would do that.And we’ll also need to decide where it would fit best in the apartment.I’m not sure if there’s really space for it.”
“Yes, but—”
My answer gets cut by his phone vibrating.He glances at the screen, and his expression turns concerned.It’s work.He tells me he needs a few minutes, then leans down to kiss me before excusing himself and stepping out of the room.
All of my brothers are in their teen years and little has changed around this house.The smell remains the same, except for the occasional incense that my mom buys.The long table still stands, always ready to welcome another plate for dinner.The air is still alive with laughter, energy and voices that are too loud.My mom is still the safe harbor and the source of everyone’s wise words.My sister still reads my thoughts telepathically from across the dinner table.And my brothers still light up with excitement when I walk through the door, making me smile every time.
What if, when we needed it, there was a window that would take us to the dinners of long tables and voices mixed in the joy of restlessness, where, however, it is the comfort that lies at the core of our deepest connections?
Bill and Leonard get along well.Bill gets along with everyone, really.He always offers to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, helps my grandmother down the stairs, talks to my brothers about their future aspirations.He knows how to discuss wines and art with my aunts and uncles.Wherever he is, he always gets along with everyone, and that’s something I admire about him.
But just as we decide to play a family board game and start spreading the pieces out, he says he has to leave, that he’s tired and needs to rest for the trip to Verryn the next morning.
I can’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment that he won’t be here to share this family moment with us — our moment sprawled across the couch and the cushions on the floor, warmed by the fireplace.The precious moments we once took for granted, guaranteed every week of my childhood.
Bill spends so little time with my family.I just wish he would want to make the most of every minute.
My sister looks into my eyes and realizes it without me having to say a word.And I know she realizes it without her having to say a word.
“Don’t you want to stay just for one round?”She tries to convince him, and I telepathically thank her for it.“Leonard’s always losing at this game.Maybe you could team up with him and give him the much-needed help,” she adds, glancing her boyfriend.
“Thank you,” Bill says, and I know by the tone of his words that he’s not convinced.But I don’t feel sorrow over it.It is what it is.
He says his goodbyes to the family, thanks my mom for having him over, and wishes good luck to Leonard.I walk him to the door.
“Have fun,” he says, putting on his outdoor jacket.“Will it take you long?”
“A few hours, yes,” I say assertively, but there’s a pause before I add, “I’m not sure.”
He nods, his lips pressed tight, not quite understanding where this is coming from, but not pushing further.
If I don’t explain, how could he understand where this comes from?
“I just want to enjoy being here with them and—” I start to explain quietly.
“Sure!I totally understand,” he cuts me off.
But I don’t think he realizes he’s supposed to simply listen.
“No worries,” he adds.“Dinner was great.You’ll stay, and I’ll go review some paperwork.You can tell me about how the game went when you get back,” he says with a smile, kissing my cheek as he opens the street door.“If I’m still up!”
I nod, my lips curving slightly, not quite a full smile, but enough to match his warmth.
He grins back and steps out.I watch him walk away, the door clicking shut behind him — both unaware of my unspoken words.
And I let him go.
Chapter 54
