I threaded my fingers through my hair just to grab something, lest I choke him wilfully this time.
Air left his lungs with a heavy feeling. “You aren’t weak, Jan. But maybe you’ve convinced yourself you are.”
I forced a breath through my teeth. “I don’t need to convince myself when you’re so ready to do it for me.”
Reagan walked towards me, his assessing eyes seeming to read further beneath my layer of rage. And just as I considered leaving, his hand rose to my cheek, turning my head back to face him.
“I’m sure that you can handle everything I’m throwing your way,” he murmured. “For someone who acts so brave...do you tell yourself you’re weak?”
I tried to look away, but he held my chin firm.
“Of course not,” I rasped, “but I am not blind. I know my limitations. Not all of us are gifted with power. Some of us were never built for this world, but I’m still trying to learn. As futile as my efforts might be, considering what your people can do.”
His brow knit.
Sometimes it felt as ifhewere blind. Or he didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. That we were not the same. That he desired someone who would never be as capable.
I steeled myself, willing my expression to betray nothing. “I am sorry to disappoint you.”
He scowled, dropping his hand. His gaze bored into mine, twin seas storming in the silence that hung between us. The overhead lamplight had never seemed so bright, so revealing.
“The only thing that disappoints me is that you don’t seem to see yourself clearly. And neither you nor I think your efforts are futile. I know that you’ll be brave, even if someone is stupid enough to harm you. You will not balk. But it makes me see red to think that.”
He drew the smallest fraction closer. “What is in your head matters a whole lot, so believe in that strength. Understand? Or I will prove to you that you can, but you won’t appreciate how I do it.”
My eyes narrowed.
I didn’t need convincing. I had been learning to protect myself for months.
“You just can’t help but resort to threats, can you?” I said and turned towards the door. “I need to leave.”
His voice sharpened to a razor’s edge. “We are finished. Hate me all you want, but my conscience will be clear when you find yourself in the hands of people who would harm you for their pleasure. Again.”
I stopped. The words were bitter, meant to hurt.
“If harm finds me, I will either defend myself or I won’t. It will not be your fault.”
I did not wait for his response as I left the room.
???
I sank to the floor, breathing hard.
“Your defence is improving, Red,” Gwinifer noted, propping her elbows on her knees. There was something almost like pride in her tone. “You don’t fight like a little terrified bird anymore.”
Almost.
I tipped the water bottle to my lips, the cool liquid doing little to quench my thirst after the gruelling hour.
“After almost three months of being bruised and beaten, I was hoping I could knock you down, just once.”
Gwinifer’s laugh was low and wholly unimpressed. “Three months is hardly anything,” she said, brushing a damp strand of hair from her face. “But you will be able to put up a fight.”
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the wall. “A small mercy, I guess.”
A faint buzz of preparations drifted in from outside, where the Hall’s workers scurried back and forth, setting everything in place for the night.
I hadn’t seen him since our discussion in this very training room yesterday, only hearing from Cerridwen that he had left with Finn to go over something about his last liaison.
