Joan touches a hand to her forehead. She looks as distraught as I feel. “Oh, Cal...”
Her husband takes her hand and collects himself before he speaks. “Allison, that’s not what happened. Not at all...”
“What do you mean?” My stomach sinks as something clicks.
“We didn’t kick Steffi out,” he says, struggling not to cry. “We never would have done that.”
“She told me...” I cannot believe this. And yet I can. “She told me that you didn’t want her. Not for the long term. That it wasn’t working out.”
“Dear God.” Joan shakes her head.
“She was scared,” I say in a whisper as a new understanding of the past washes over me. “She was too scared to trust you. That was it, wasn’t it? Oh, Steff ...”
“We should have known,” Joan says, heartbreak in her voice. “Damn, we should have known. But she was so adamant, so headstrong and sure. Very polite about not wanting to be adopted, but very clear. While we wanted to respect her choice, we tried to convince her. We did everything we could, but—”
I jump in. “But you cannot convince Steffi of anything she doesn’t want. And she never wants to feel dependent on anyone else. Shecan’t.” I know this all too well. I should have known this would extend to Cal and Joan.
Cal nods. “Yes. Allison, we loved her then, and we love her now. We think of her as our daughter.” His face crumples. “She will always, always be our daughter.”
I step forward. “I see that. I believe you.”
Crushed.I am crushed, because now there is yet another layer of tragedy to Steffi’s illness.
CHAPTER 29
TO THE GOODNIGHT MOON AND BACK
The nurses, Rebecca and Jamie, are sweet. Very sweet. They’ve clearly done this before. So, they do what they can to prepare me before I walk into the room. I hear something about how thin Steffi is, about her coloring being off. About machines and beeps and monitors. About it only being a question of hours. When I press them, Rebecca answers. She’s seen enough patients to know, and her guess is soon. Four to ten hours.
Esben waits in the hall, seated on a hard chair. “I’ll be here as long as you need me.”
I know he will, and it’s the only comfort I have.
Cal and Joan are with him. I’m not sure how to tell Steffi that they are here, but I suppose I’ll figure it out.
Jamie pushes open the door and walks me in. “I’ll be right outside if you need me,” she says softly.
“Allison!” Steffi’s volume and joy shock and terrify me.
She is sitting up in bed, surrounded by wrappers. The room smells strongly of burgers and fries.
It’s all I can do to guard her from my reaction, because the girl before me looks so drastically different from the one who appeared outside my dorm last fall. She is very, very thin, her skin tone near ashen. Her formerly full blond hair is flattened against her head, stringy and limp. I see bags under her eyes where there were never any.
Everything about her looks totally wrong, and yet it’s equally easy to see my best friend. She will always be Steffi, no matter the circumstances.
“Get over here!” She beckons. “God, I can’t believe you made it. You’ve had a crazy day, huh?”
It’s the middle of the night, yet she’s wide-awake and wired.
“A little bit.” I try to sound like a normal human being. “But anything for you.”
“I knew you could do it!”
I cross the small private room and lean over to hug her. Seeing how weak Steffi looks is hard to swallow, and I’m hesitant to hold her too tightly. However, she grabs me with more strength than I’d anticipated, and so I respond. It feels so wonderful to hold her after all these months, especially when I didn’t think I would ever again.
She pats my back repeatedly until I sit in the chair by the bed. “Now, tell me everything. Tell me about you. And you and Esben.”
She makes it hard not to smile, because her enthusiasm is so elevated, and it is so very Steffi to want to talk about me when she’s the one in crisis. “What do you want to know?”
